Weekends are hard

I struggle every weekend. I use to look forward to them but narctard ruined that as well. UGH! When will I feel normal again? When does my story end and my life begin? Just UGH! I sit home alone, ok not alone I have my wonderful kids, but alone on the inside. When does the pain stop? Torture with them and torture without them. Strange. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want him to control my life, my thoughts and my heart anymore. I am NC and that is a wonderful thing but the pain is real and present and constant. He does not desreve that, he never deserved me and he needs to be out of my head and heart starting NOW!