Weak day..

So I've been feeling strong.. Not sure if it's entirely authentic or I'm pushing myself to.. Either way I'm guessing it's better than letting my mind wander which can only lead to feeling sad and not being as clear and objective as I should be.
I feel like it's just sitting just under the surface and I keep pushing it down. Some days it's not even there but today I feel like it's just sitting in my throat on the verge of tears.
I just want to be past this point, why can't I just cut run and move on like he has so quickly?
It was all fake he lied the entire time nothing was obviously real and I was nothing, why can't that just me be enough to not have any feelings or emotions?
I'm trying to focus on me as I'm doing things I haven't been able to ( because I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything because he didn't trust me and would have been huge ramifications so I just gave in and didn't do anything that would cause an issue- I know! Unhealthy)
But it just seems like something is missing and I feel like it relates back to him. He created a big crater that I suppose he would fill, empty, fill, but now it's just sitting empty.. How do I fill that up with cement cover it over and put a head stone OVER!
Is it normal to feel like you go forward a few steps then back a little?
Don't even know of this makes sense!
Any suggestions or feedback would be good!
Sick of feeling sick and having waves of nausea!