"We expect perfect behavior 100% of the time"

My mother and father had a tumultuous relationship. It was never easy living in a home in which shouting for what you wanted was normal. There was always fighting, even playful between us kids, but it was certainly the norm. My father drank a lot and went to the pub as often as he could. I was ‘slow’ as a child and I didn’t engage in ‘real life’ to well. (I later found out I had dyspraxia and dyslexia) I was held back a lot and my mother doubted my ability to handle myself on my own and never allowed me to venture far in the world. I was inhibited by insecurities and the shouting and disagreement continued until I left home. I did become quite selfish in my teenage years towards them because they were too controlling and I was to out of control… And at one point, I vowed to get even with my childhood bullies by becoming someone popular and malleable. I would do what ever I had to do to fit in and not be such a laughing stock. As a toddler/pre-school child I was ugly, awkward and not that smart. I felt always on the outside of life. My father died because he smoked and drank himself to that ugly long painful death. I am very much like he was I think… My mother is driven by money and likes the better things in life. She is also kind and generous but that has always been sticking point. She will always help me no matter what but I would do better in her eyes to stand on my own two feet a little better. She worries about me but doesn’t understand me. We have never seen eye to eye really but underneath she is deeply empathic and caring if a little tough on the surface. Having said this, she is tough and I always felt that she did not properly understand my emotions and found my emotional behaviours to be confusing. I used to rock and rock, back and fourth, as a young child. Well I did well into my adult years. My father and mother loved me but they drank to much, smoke, ‘lived’ in and owned a pub when I was a entering adult/teen years and they did not plan for me. I felt I was undervalued because I was slow to learn and was given few tools to develop my skills. AND my father spent most of all of our (my brother and sister too) child hoods calling us ‘thick, stupid, not very bright’ etc. he used to say ‘Vix’ you are thick as too short planks’… His dad said it to him and he said it to me.. And I was by in large crippled by the words he used to describe my struggles to learn. SO I was defo inhibited and defo damaged and open to the kind of abuse I invited into my life after that. I thought I was having fun, having sex with guys too young, getting into relationships with some guys who perhaps who did not respect me and that supported my erroneous understanding of what you had to do please men!? Watching my dad verbally abuse my mother for years taught me that it was OK to allow someone to crush someone else at will. She cooked him meals, he would pick at them with his fork and pick at it and then hurl abuse at her about the food and about how he couldn’t eat. It was always very nourishing hot meal. My mother was always a fine cook. SO yes, if your asking does this stuff predisposes us to abuse well yes I think it does and that is why we have to break the cycle to get a healthy healing relationship’. It cannot come until we have really taken charge of our own lives. We need to have the love in ourselves that we sought from disapproving parents, from stupid narc men, from anyone at all. Yea you definitely would have put up with the abuse if you have at some point ‘learnt’ that vile words or damaging bullying behaviour are okay. If the ‘programme’ in your mind is not ‘re-loaded’ with better more healthy images and messages then you will find it hard to break the pattern you are being taught to continue. After all my narc husbands father was/is a vile man. He treated his mother so badly and was also an alcoholic like my father. Its quite normal to find this dynamic in relationships. When both people have had an abusive father and a subjugated mother; Without intervention, the male continues to seek to control over woman and the female forges a relationship with men in life in general that allows this to happen. But yea, my father and mother too, still criticises me and my choices in life. She thinks its personal against her. She asked me to cut of my dreads for her wedding, She thought I was being utterly selfish not cutting my dreads off just her wedding day.. I wore a scarf to compromise in the end… Its not easy! Yes its really no wonder you were vulnerable. Most families with any dysfunction will continue to promote this dysfunction if the cycle is not broken by change, mental and emotional development. I just hope I can do that for my son… I only lived with my narc husband for a few years before I asked him to leave. Living with that abuse, the walking on eggshells, the fear… I couldn’t not have lived with that for long. Especially given that I vowed never to let my own children endure that kind of childhood I had. I understand Susan. I totally do!!!

""We expect perfect behavior 100% of the time"" That's like epecting to take a shit, and not noticing a smell. Sorry. But that is an impossible request. Life doesn't work like that and anyone that expects it should needs to take a real close look at themselves. You will never be perfect and there is no shame in that. Mistakes will always be made, what makes you human is the ability to recognize and learn from your mistakes.....something N's and P's aren't capable of. Although I do believe these guys can dupe people that come from "normal" childhoods, I also believe that if your childhood was filled with critisism and self doubt, it for sure has to impact what you are willing to put up with from others. That's something I am just learning about myself, too....with the previous threads on this subject. So much to learn about ourselves, hey? Thankfully we all have eachother to help us through! xoxo