We do not hide from the pain...
We do not hide from the pain...
This what I learned. I have been doing this. It was so much easier to cave in. Even when I knew what was coming. And I did. Often.
It was so much easier to whip out the crazy and join the game rather than walk away with nc.
I am done now. I know it's uncomfortable but I am committed. I have had five days and one more possible to go of facing fear and pain and been given the opportunity to do this deal. And I am.
Me and my boys got hovered a couple nights ago at our beautiful retreat. I went thru a barrage of emotions. Stayed in reality with someone Text support and stayed in the moment. And got thru it.
Yesterday more hoovers. With the ow. The recovery retreat is over but we are staying. Turns out so is n and ow. And his hostage friend and his gf. So there was probably info leakage if they saw my Van or saw us at the park. Which is highly likely.
So n and ow stroll by. In love. Holding hands. Very slowly. I am sitting with my cabin neighbor and the kids are playing. My neighbor has over 30 hrs sobriety and I feel safe and loved. So. .... My friend says oh is that Jimenez. I am not looking and I say probably. I am watching one son who is in direct line of fire and I have given them strict instruction to ignore and walk away which he did.
My friend says 'another hostage'. I say you ain't kidding. I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. My friend says he is full of shit. I said how do you know. He says when you've been around long enough you can tell and slice thru the bs. And he asked some questions and I answered them. My friend totally knew n game. I was amazed. I felt like omg. I am not mental. I also had a moment that told me see....you don't have to reveal then. He is revealing himself and doesn't even know it. Good people, honest people, god conscious people see thru this shit. I felt strong for a while. My friend relieved me of something that was a huge block for me.
They came back on the same road. Mind you this place is huge. Acres upon acres. With loops you can take. That fucker paraded ow past again. Here is where I think. She either is uncomfortable if she really knows who I am or she is an idiot not realizing how he is objectifying her. To someone who was just relieved and no longer gives a shit. I said to my friend that I wanted to leap up and yell good luck sucker!
I told him my revenge thoughts. He says same thing. He would eat that shit up. He stood firm with me and we both acted as if.
Mind you I had a rough night of sleep. I am still having the conversations. But Kam in a bit of a volatile environment.
But for the most part. I am in the moment. With my kids and my niece and I have support up here.
I am just stunned at how everything I read comes to fruition. This is the best I have navigated thru this n shit and I am so grateful for the support I have found.
To anyone who sinew.please stay. Please follow the suggestions. The cd does lift. The fog goes away. The feelings pass. There is hope and we all have an opportunity here to recover.
Courageous. To face the fear head on. Today I feel that too.
And my bonus is the lasting vision of the wife beater shade wearing no shirt badly aged crappy tattoed ugly mug redneck driving his Mommies truck trying to scare my kids......who have far more character than that soulless fuck will ever have even in his pinkie!
I am too good for him. Always was. And the path I am on is only going to widen that gap....woot!