Waves of despair…

Waves of despair…
- I have been having a hard time these past couple of days. I have been obsessing about him… and I get waves of despair. I start wondering if the OW is better than me? Is she more fun? Is that what I couldn’t offer, enough fun? Because I wasn’t open to him sleeping with other people. I know our relationship wasn’t a serious one, and it only lasted a year, but I just keep on realizing more and more and more things every day, and its 48 NC, well technically 26 NC since I realized when he came down to my house on March 24th when my friends and I were having a small bonfire (he lives right across the street from me) was a hoover… I kicked him out immediately btw. Sometimes I think I am doing sooooo well, and then bam no appetite… crying, and hurting all over again. If he were a true friend, he would have never treated me the way he did. The lies, lies, lies and manipulation, manipulation, manipulation. I am in awe of how much he duped me, and the sad part is I knew it all along. I was in misery the entire time… there were perhaps not even a hand full, of true fun moments between us… and the few there were lasted a short period of time. I use to pray before I walked into his house that we weren’t going to fight that night… so many times, always walkin’ on eggshells. When I go through these rough patches it’s hard to talk about it with other people because I feel like they have had enough. I mentioned some things with my mom today (I live with parents still, full-time grad student, aiming to become a teacher… at the age of 29… trust me I can’t wait to get out haha), and it helped a little but, I don’t want to come off that I am still hurting deeply. Instead I come to my room, read this wonderful forum that has helped so much… and I cry by myself. I just want a peace of mind, and I don’t want to struggle anymore. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I can’t wait for it to come!
- rebuildingmysoul