Was/is the N competitive with you?

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#1 Jul 8 - 11PM

deecbee

Was/is the N competitive with you?

I had a bit of an "a-ha" moment the other day. I realize now that even though the N and I are post-D&D with no chance of ever getting back into an intimate relationship (I've made it clear, although he might still see me as a challenge to try again when he's bored/alone)-- he is extremely competitive with me. Not overtly so, but in hind-sight, nearly everything he does is tainted with this need to not be one-upped by me.

I'll keep it brief, but basically, he's in a new relationship, and I've been hanging out with someone as well. Not dating, but I really like this new guy and could see it turn into something more eventually. The N and I were friends on fb and he would stalk my page and see the interactions between me and this new guy and it was clear that we both have similar tastes, hobbies, sense of humor, etc. We fit really well together. On the other hand, judging by her FB page, his OW is the polar opposite of him and the type of person he's always claimed to despise. She's from a massively rich family, a perfectionist, kinda typical and dry, no sense of humor. Total opposite of the narc.

N would ask me "conversational" questions about the guy I was seeing (I knew that it was only to pry for information), but he would never EVER give any details about his relationship or her personality in return. The only thing he would mention is how rich her family is and how big her home is. Any specifics on her specifically were highly guarded secrets for some reason.

Here's where it gets weird:

Recently, we were having a conversation and I admitted that I had stopped seeing the new guy because I was going through a rough patch in life and needed to focus on myself and was not in the right condition to build a relationship at the moment. AS SOON as he realized my life picture wasn't as rosy as he had speculated it was, he let his guard down and let loose with his own woes. I mean, it was a firestorm. He went on and on about how uninteresting the new woman is, how her dad hates him, even called her names. He complained that his life was "dull and routine", "retarded and boring". He even said he sometimes wishes he were dead. He complained for 20 straight minutes. This, from a man who refused to open up about any details of his relationship with OW when he thought my life was just peachy.

Then, as soon as I made a mention that I still really liked this new guy and that we would both be open to pursuing something later on, he shut up. He sort of brushed off what he had just said with a, "Yea, I get frustrated with her sometimes but she's a great catch and I like her a lot"

Umm, what?!

Do any of you find that the N competes with you like this? Or maybe this wasn't him trying to compete, but hoovering?

I have many more examples of stuff like this but that's the most recent. It kinda opened my eyes yet again to their lies and exaggerations. Their life is mostly likely complete shit but if they think you are doing okay, they will NEVER let on.

#2 Jul 14 - 1AM

mrlin (not verified)

deleted

xoxoxo

#3 Jul 10 - 4PM

mystwoman

Everything with xnh was a

Everything with xnh was a competition, a battleground, or both. He LOVED to argue. It was like a sport with him. He, also, had to "one up" everything. If someone happened to mention that their butt hurt, xnh would have to find some way to divert the attention back onto himself with some diatribe that was more dramatic like "Yeah, I know all about it. My dad just went into the hospital to be checked for colon cancer and was afraid that he was going to die. He couldn't sit down for a week." It didn't matter whether or not his story was actually true. Only that it out-shined whatever the other person said, and turned the attention back to HIM. Just like what you said, xnh's comments would follow along with whatever "tone" was currently being used in the conversation. If someone made comments about how well things were going for them, xnh would (of course) be happier and things were suddenly going so well for HIM that he had sunshine glowing out of his ass. If the other person was sad or depressed, xnh would profess to be even more sad and depressed. You could sit back and watch the "poor, poor pitiful me" start coming out his mouth. He was like a competitive chameleon.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#4 Jul 9 - 10PM

greengirl91

Competitive? Oh yes.. I kept

Competitive? Oh yes.. I kept trying and trying to explain that a bond, a connection between two people means sharing, not fighting. I like that quote "Be a man FOR her, not AGAINST her". I like movies a lot. A lot of my childhood has been spent watching movies and movies, my father being a huge collector. He once, after I tried to make my first NC week, started "movie campaign", watching tons of movies, like trying to make up for the time lost..like trying to say "ha! I can too"..or smthing like that, who knows what crosses his crazy head of his. But yes, competitivness, definetly. How much I was longing for moments where we could just be, without fighting, mind games and shit. But I guess it couldn`t be so.

#5 Jul 9 - 4PM

Susan32

As well as his FAMILY

Since the ex-Psych prof's parents were in Massachusetts (been there, LOVED it), he mythologized/competed with his Daddy. He saw his sister in Texas as competition. He'd say he was BETTER than his father the scientist because he was a philosopher. The ex-P was paranoid that I'd read his favorite book, "War and Peace", my senior year. He'd say "I'll KEEP YOU from reading 'War and Peace.'" I didn't take it seriously. I'd tell him "I can read it in the bookstore. I can read it in the library." When I recounted to him how I'd read parts of the first epilogue, he epically FREAKED. He was so freaked out... my senior class read "Anna Karenina" instead of "War and Peace." It was supposed to piss me off... instead it pissed off÷d my senior class. It DID cause controversy. I was unfazed. I'd say with a smile that "War and Peace" has boring battle scenes anyhow, that "Anna" was more applicable to my situation. The ex-P was paranoid about me being a published writer... so he freaked when I got published in the college paper. The ex-P was paranoid that I'd write about religion... he considered himself a philosopher of religion... I put the kibosh on THAT. I've been a published writer on religion for the past 8 years. His first lecture was on St. Augustine's "Confessions";I did my senior thesis on Augustine's "Confessions";he has NEVER written about Augustine nor his "Confessions" again. (Who says normals can't win?) He'd say that if I did so, I'd "ruin" it for him. He was quite competitive with me- and I was JUST A STUDENT. He was territorial as a philosopher of religion;and I was as respectful as his "boundaries" as Genghis Khan on a raiding party. Looks like I was as merciful as the Mongol horde. I think that's why I got D&D'd for a curator. She was in a different area of research;she was a scientist, like his father. She was less of a threat.

#6 Jul 9 - 9AM

Deidre40

In a word, yes. I am dating

In a word, yes. I am dating someone. I have mentioned it very fleetingly, and briefly on the website we belong to. Nothing major, but I'm sure he's read it. I also told him several weeks ago, when I broke NC, that I 'had moved on,' and was dating someone. Since then, I had heard through the grapevine that he had been on a mission it seemed...lol To find another woman. lol This week, he spoke about his new woman on the site. I read it, of course, I don't speak to him on there or elsewhere. But, I read it. She's got a hot body (he thought this of me too so must be a prerequisite lol) he was describing her breasts and butt...who does this? Oh yea, a narcissist. lol He went on and on and on...she literally sounds like perfection. I laughed reading it, because he did this for my benefit. See Dee? I can do 'better' than you!

#7 Jul 9 - 9AM

ValiditySeeker

Yup

Competition with me waS huge for him. It drove me nuts. He couldn't just be with me; he had to compete. The first time we went skiing together, it just so happened that I made it to the bottom of the hill before he did. That's normal when you ski: you don't ski side-by-side usually because you want to give each other plenty of space for the sake of safety. He threw a fit thst I "beat him" and was "kicking his ass." I told him thst it takes two to compete and I was not competing with him. I mentioned that I had skied more often than him. I also Mentioned that in Order to become really really good at it, you probably have to live in the mountains, not where we lived. Guess where he moved to right after he finished his education? Yes, the mountains. It bothered him do much to have a girl ski better and faster than him that he moved to the mountains to get better at it! I once mentioned that I thought women from a certain country were the most beautiful in the world. Guess whom he married? How even managed to find one is beyond me! I said that really liked a certain type of car. He drives it now. I said I wanted my wedding ring to have a certain type of stone. He bought it for her. I wrote him a letter (back before I knew what he was and was still trying to be friends) saying that I had a boyfriend and were getting married in May. He suddenly married at the end of March. Winning!!!! That's all they live for. It wouldn't be so bad if they could be happy for us whenever we won. But no, thst just losses them off and makes them demand a rematch.

#8 Jul 9 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

deecbee

That is competition to the

That is competition to the extreme!!

#9 Jul 9 - 7AM

twisted

Competitive to the most

Competitive to the most ridiculous degree! We couldn't even play simple board games because he was such a poor loser and winner. It wasn't fun at all. But he would say that it was me that wasn't fun, and that he didn't like playing games with me, because I got too loud, was a poor sport or if I won I must have cheated or bent the rules. If he ever lost he blamed someone or something for causing him to lose. If he won, he was the most obnoxious winner and would rub it in your face. He was the poster child for being a poor sport. Of course though would claim otherwise, boasting about what a good sport he was. And during games, he would target me for his competitive smack talk, and then tell me to lighten up and that I have no sense of humour. In fact if we played games with friends, I knew it was going to open a door to a horrible night - for me. Simple board games was one of the worst activites we could ever do together.

#10 Jul 9 - 12AM

prettypeeved

Hell yes! In fact I loved the

Hell yes! In fact I loved the fact that he was competing with me. It gave me something to "push against" and a challenge. I suppose I'm mostly thinking of the gym and stuff here. To me, in my mind, it was all about two guys loving each other and challenging each other, and NURTURING each other through competition (as in healthy competition)...sadly I began to realise through therapy that this was not healthy competition at all, but it was like you describe, i.e. one-sided information "exchanges" and finding any way he could to "win" no matter the cost. Where I saw the loving nurturing, there was really none - I'd filled that bit in in my head. It didn't really exist.

#11 Jul 9 - 12AM

Arwen

Yes you have described the

Yes you have described the entire Narc's life in a nutshell. Competition is their entire reason for being, for without their own competitiveness, their true incredible, severe lack of self-esteem would surface. They are threatened not just by us, but by other men, other women, other WHOMEVER that does well in life. Their sources of supply who have left them, in their mind, are simply not allowed to go on and do well without them. But am I missing something here...why are in Contact with N

#12 Jul 9 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

deecbee

Ah, I knew that would come

Ah, I knew that would come up. The contact is sporadic and brief and platonic. Cutting contact has been difficult for both of us - I've known him since I was 15. We both come from severely broke & abusive homes and both ended up in the foster care system and bonded/became best friends over that. It's a long, convoluted story, but over the years we have literally seen each other through everything. I have no family, he is estranged from his, and it has been a lond, slow process detaching myself from what I always considered my anchor in life. I know what he is, he knows what he is, and we both know he won't ever change his horrible behavior, but I do believe that I am the closest to love and friendship he has ever gotten or ever will get. I am better now than I was a few months ago but this isn't simply an ex boyfriend- he was at one point my best friend and only "family member". At this point I know his attachment is stronger to me than mine is to him, but it's still there. Slowly fading, but this stuff doesn't just disappear overnight :/

#13 Jul 9 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

Arwen

I see...no need to defend

I see...no need to defend yourself I totally understand. My ex N was my first boyfriend I met at age 14 and the narcage that he pulled on me this last fall was enough to kill me given how long I had known him and how much I had loved him as a girl. You mention a lot that you are his friend and that he does not have friends. none of that is your fault I hope you know. And being that it is not your fault and that it also seems that he is still hurting you, why are you still in contact other than intermittent guilt you are feeling. This is just bad for you. You are grown people now...you can find your own friends. I lost my father at age 20 and my mother I essentially also lost due to her own narc and addict insanity. you can do this.

#14 Jul 9 - 1AM (Reply to #4)

deecbee

I guess I use the word

I guess I use the word "friends" for lack of a better one. I know it isn't a true, fair friendship. Part of me does feel a twinge sorry for him that he's incapable of forming any meaningful attachments but I don't think that's why I'm still in contact. I have my own issues and it's hard for me to open up to people in life. He's seen the worst of me and is the only person I feel comfortable being my emotional, tortured, damaged self with. I do know that there are other people out there who will embrace me as I am, but it's hard to take that leap. But I AM moving towards that direction. I may still be in contact with him but I do see a day when that ends. I've made a LOT of progress since April. When I first joined this forum, I couldn't fathom not having him in my life. Now, I am actually looking forward to it optimistically. I guess my path to healing is just a bit of a detour :) Edit: also wanted to add, my contact with him is not emotional anymore. When we speak, I don't hear my best friend or my love of my life. I hear a sick, sadistic narc and this board helps remind me of that. Our contact is becoming more infrequent as a result.

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