A Warning

This is a warning to those who continue to deal with toxic individuals such as psychopaths and narcs, that if you continue to endure and put up with them, you will eventually end up like I have -- paranoid

My first experience with a Narc was over 17 years ago, and he affected me so bad that all I was attracted to has been dysfunction.

I honestly don't think I would have tolerated all the abuse I received from men had it not been for him and it has taken some serious self evaluation for me to find out where this began.

I CHOOSE dysfunctional men because at least I know they are dysfunctional. Sounds silly but for me, I don't need to be blind sided by a charming man, who has my family fooled, me fooled, all of my friends fooled, and so in love then turn right around and be a low down dirty liar.

I stand here and admit (especially to Spinning because you remember my story and what I was like when I first got here), the LAST guy, you know the one related to the "celebrity", I SAW from the first words he told me that there was a problem because he told me from the jump before we even talked on the phone that he had a previous record, was/is an alcoholic.

That should have gotten me to step back and not put my heart into the situation thinking this man was my friend and was sincere.

I chose to tell him my personal business and believe him.

Anyone that can tell you from the jump that they "hate their mother and father", "has a criminal background", shows coldness even online PURPOSELY, uses their own brother (or family member) to gain their own little spot light, I could go on and on, but all of the warning signs were there, because why would someone, who is related to a public figure be so open with a complete stranger online if they didn't have an ulterior motive.

Now because of all of this shit I've endured, its confirmed to me that I suffer with a form of PTSD.

Every person I meet, male or female, I don't trust at all.

I feel like everyone has an ulterior motive or a personality that the are hiding from me, and now I'm so sick, that I would rather be around people that I know are messed up because its less of a fall when they do stab me in the back.

I remember when I was not like this.

Sure I had my up's and downs, but when I met people, I never had problems when trembling as if I'm about to get attacked.

When I'm in a room of people I have panic attacks, and now have become so phobic of being hurt again, that now I don't even deal with anyone.

If I don't take my medication when I sleep, I have shivers and panic attacks in my sleep.

I've had suicidal thoughts (which I'm very open with my therapist about).

I just don't care anymore.

This last guy was the icing on the cake, because like my ex-fiance', he left me hanging. I don't know which things that angered him so much caused him to discard me.

Was it me telling him my weight? His paranoid thinking I was phishing for a story or me taking him on my facebook friend list?

Now because of this, I'm even afraid to lose weight because if he did get rid of me because of my weight, I don't want to lose weight, become attractive then have the possibility of someone blind siding me again.

This is what you become when you keep allowing someone to abuse you.

You live your life in bubble, and no one should have to live this way.