The Void

My birthday was a coupple of days ago, and I tried to make it work as better as I could. Meaning, I tried to be present, stay in reality, pay the bills check, bought some nice dresses at comfortable prices, and paid more than a half of the bills I had to pay.

Tried to go further with the job searches as well, even though I didn`t had many success replyies yet, but I still did the work, and at some point I thought I was really close to something.

So, I stayed pretty much present and "on guard" so to say, put boundaries, took everything good by each day, and dealt with the bad, and still kept NC. So all went fine, and pretty much alright and decent.

But, these last coupple of days, I`ve had this lingering feeling of emptiness, no matter what I did..maybe it is still the child inside me processing stuff, I know for certain that there is no going back, and I don`t even want to. I accept the whole Narc experience, I understand the disorder.

But there is this void, and I know that there are still some answers to be found, but from inside myself. I understand that I kept seeking the company and relationships with toxic people, to fill this void. Maybe it comes from the fact that I am a child of self absorbed parents, and I have read that it is common to have these emptiness feelings.

I mean, I did everything that was suppose to make me fill right by myself, but sometimes my soul I guess is so empty and drained..and I have so much work to do, to fill those spaces by myself.

I`m not giving up, it`s just that sometimes I feel sad and empty. I guess I have a lot of work to do, emotionally as well..

For some reason it keeps popping into my mind the movie "Eat Pray Love", and the way the character faces the same struggles, in search of happiness within and self balance..I hope one day, I will be able to say I am completely "at home" with myself. For now, there are just short moments, along moments of sadness, and emptiness.

I hope that with time, work and self love, this whole N experience will be just a memory. I feel there are still so many answers to find, that have little to do with him anymore, and more with me and my being, my own happiness.

Thank you for listening!