Very Sad Today

Realizing a few things and I'm sad. I have been trying to get to the bottom of this, it's coming slowly. I'm 52 years old and never thought about being abused, it never entered my head. My life was normal, everyone and every family has problems, that's what I told myself and it's true to an extent. When you wind up here, lost, confused and addicted to people who are bad for you, you are forced to realize that abuse was part of your life, maybe in big ways, maybe small and almost unnoticeable. I played a big part in this, as I was in need. I wanted to feel special to someone and wanted the attention that I had really never gotten. The abuse, at the time was okay, I believe I accepted it in return for what I needed so desperately. My mother is an alcoholic and she needs me to stay exactly where I am or she will lose the one person who understands her. She has no intentions of changing or making her life better and she will never stop blaming others for the way her life turned out. If I make my life better then she'll see a different way to be and she won't have that. I can't help her no matter how much I want to. My father is controlling, a bully. He needs me to stay the way I am or his mask will fall off. I will never measure up to his standards and he will keep me down by reminding me that I am not good enough. I can't help him, I've tried, I ran to his side every time he needed someone, every time he couldn't handle his own life but the only thing that impresses him is success. He likes to brag about his children's successes and relate them to his own but for some reason I don't fit that profile. I should have recognized the huge red flag my husband gave me even before we were married. There were probably several but when someone says to you "why do you let everyone else walk all over you but me", run away fast. He needed his life easy, I was easy and accommodating until I wasn't, then he didn't want me anymore, went on a d&d witch hunt, changed his mind and then used every means possible to keep me in a box, clueless, confused and doubting myself. But he lost control, as my father says and who better to understand that. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I know I need to change. I need to like me again, need to fill in the holes in my own life. I can't fix the people I love especially if they have no intention of even looking at themselves. I can fix me and it's time to do that. Letting go will be very difficult but in order to heal, it's necessary. I've managed NC with my husband but I don't know how I'm going to handle this with family. We have a family reunion coming up the beginning of August, my gut says don't go, my feelings of responsibility are tearing me in another direction.