Very Angry

Is it normal to be this angry? This considered the “Anger” phase. Maybe he D&D me because of me being onto his lame ass. Maybe I sit here and question myself on “why” he left. Maybe all those times he left me hanging really took its toll. Maybe all those times I kissed his face 30 times before I left for work made him sick. Maybe all those times I picked him up and dropped him off at work while he sleep deprived me was meant to fuck me over. Maybe all those times I cried because I didnt feel like “me” made him happy.
What a sick fuck. Sorry for my cursing. It is therapeutic for me. I dont want to contact him. I really want him to sit in his own shit and eat it. He killed 95% of who I am and what I stand for and what is important for me. I was left with that 5%. I was left with nothing other than the same laugh in my face from him with his ST. I have so many of his things. .Who the fuck wears those anymore these days? I keep having dreams each night, a lot of him and seeing him as a N. Its pathetic. He is following a preppy crowd wearing some obnoxious outfit and head high like he a don fucking won. Here I am in my dream chasing him down climbing bar to bar thru a cruise ship, and this other chick is all sad faced. Yeah the chick he would always tell me is his “friend”...Happens to be some bartender where he lays all his money at. Pathetic. I know I have a feeling I should know better and get over it.
I FEEL violated. I feel disgusted. I feel like he has taken every piece of my loving pathetic soul and shit on it. Took me for who I was and shit on my pride. I still have that 5% left. Maybe after I write this ill have 7% of that back. I have this feeling inside maybe he will come back, and I hope when he does. I will literally spit in his face. Reaction or not from him. NS SUPPLY OR NOT. I will spit in his face and slam that door. Call the cops or not. Honestly in my state of mind. I want nothing better for him other for him to sit there and have NO NS. Which is right around the corner. The roach hasn’t paid his Child Support in 2 months. (hes 42, divorced for 6 years, alcoholic, lives with mama 2 miles away from me, 2 kids he NEVER sees). Judge told him I see you again its 1 year. Well guess what. He hasn’t been working in weeks. And spends all of his money at that dive bar right next door to my house. Yeah thats where I met him. A lot of me hopes he gets locked up, goes thru alcohol detox, and wears and ugly ass orange outfit and eats cheese sandwiches for a year. How perfect would that be...
I know ill run into his lame ass again, he lives 1.5 miles away from me at mamas. Rides his bicycle. I envision one day its raining and I drive by and hes on his bike and I hit a huge puddle right next to him and soak him and laugh off on my own way. He deserves nothing better than to suffer. He put me in a jail for a year, I hope he gets locked up. I hope that will be his turn to cry. He messed with my head so much to the point I was about to literally kill myself. He never put hands on me, he never called me names, he would give me comments, he would give me ST, he would smile when I was going thru something.
I have been in “relationships” with Ns before. They put their hands on me. The mental manipulation is by far the worse. It is. Especially when he knows how it makes me feel. I believe in my spiritual guides, I believe in a higher power, and I believe they wanted me to share this. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I have lost my mind. Maybe I should just stop while I am ahead. However I am on a roll. Pathetic. Right now I hate that fuck. I thought I suck at life. He is the one who sucks at life. He is the phony. He is the pathetic excuse for wasting space on this planet. Not me.
I feel about 8% me right now.
Thanks for listing. I plan to write and post as much as I can.
6 days NC.
Xo
Hopeful Star*