The Path Forward Virtual Retreat Febuary 2021!



venuslovedpluto's story

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#1 Feb 18 - 5PM
venuslovedpluto
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venuslovedpluto's story

I met him at the bar I worked at. I had a bf at the time, wasn't interested in meeting other guys, but as bartender it was my job to a certain degree. He began coming in regularly and I found myself talking to him for hours. Sometimes he'd stay for almost my entire shift. It was crazy, time just flew by when he was there and it wasn't long before I was actually looking forward to seeing him. And when I would it was like sparks flew. My heart would speed up, I'd get this rush that I'd never experienced before with anyone else. It was like magic. I fell fast and I fell hard. I started feeling guilty. I had a bf and here I was interested in this other man. He was older than me, I'm usually not into men more than a few years older but the attraction was undeniable. He told me he was 45, divorced for about ten years, two sons in their late teens. We'd talk about everything and anything and so easily. There were never awkward pauses, everything he said captivated me. I was totally hooked. He began to ask me if I'd see him outside of the bar. I told him I couldn't. He knew I had a bf, knew I didn't feel comfortable seeing him outside of my work but he kept asking anyway. He gave me his card and told me to call him if I changed my mind. A few months went by, he continued to come in during my shift, but one day he told me he couldn't anymore if I wouldn't see him outside. He said he'd become too attached and didn't want to become even more so if it wasn't going to go anywhere. His manipulation worked, I broke down and agreed to meet him for a drink. It was at a point in my life where I was pretty vulnerable, things with my bf hadn't been going well. So we met, and we clicked just as wonderfully outside of the bar and I continued to see him. It was about a year before it became intimate though. Something inside of me had made me hesitate, something told me he was too good to be true. We'd see each other but something just didn't feel quite right. I started seeing him less at that point and I got back together with my bf. That winter my bf had moved out of state for work, and during a visit to see him over Christmas he proposed. I accepted. I told "L" that I couldn't see him anymore, told him I was moving out of state to be with my fiance. I said goodbye to him, gave him a big hug and told him I'd miss him but hoped he understood. His eyes welled up when he saw my ring. I felt awful. But I made the move and had stopped calling him completely. He continued to text me though and had started e-mailing my Mom. They'd met once, briefly, but I guess he felt comfortable talking to her about me. And they did talk about me. He told her how much he missed me, told her he regretted not letting me know how much I'd meant to him, also told her he was devastated over my engagement, had actually been planning on proposing to me over Christmas. My Mom told me these things and I was surprised. They conflicted with the gut feeling I'd had that he wasn't seriously interested in me though. But I began to think of him constantly. Started texting with him again too. Things started going downhill with my fiance. I began convincing myself that I'd made the wrong decision and made the decision to move back. I felt bad about my fiance but it wasn't fair to him, staying with him while I was having all of these mixed feelings about "L". Things were growing between us and crumbling with my fiance. I felt awful. But the connection I felt with "L" was so different, so strong. I'd realized that I really was in love with this man and felt that I needed to see it through. By the time I left I was sad, it was bittersweet, but I was so excited to see "L" again. I felt like I had stars in my eyes just thinking about how it would be to see him again for the first time when I returned. All of the things he'd said made me think that we were drawn together and for a reason. He was on my mind all the time.
But when I got back it wasn't the way I'd thought it would be. In no time at all I was back to feeling like he just wanted to play, didn't take me seriously, he didn't even seem to want to spend that much time with me. I was beside myself. It was about 4 weeks after I'd returned and there it was, my intuition telling me I'd been fooled. I finally just called him out on it, asked why he seemed to be a different person when I was out of state, told him I didn't understand what had happened between now and all the wonderful things he'd said. He told me; "Sorry but you're just not a priority in my life right now." I felt my heart sink all the way to my stomach. How could he say something so cold to me? Where had the guy that I'd absolutely adored gone? And what had changed how he felt about me?? I was so confused, so upset, began sobbing on the phone. He seemed so distant, so detached. Told me; "I have to go. You're freaking me out." Hung up on me. I've never cried so hard in my life. I seriously felt like I wanted to die. I didn't talk to him for several days and then when I did he acted like nothing had happened. More confusion. More heartbreak. I contined to see him but he was not who I'd thought he was and I started sinking into a depression. Also this nagging voice inside of me returned, kept telling me that something was very wrong. There were good times too of course, we'd have fun, but the feeling never left me. I'd ask him once in awhile if he really loved me, watching his eyes, he'd say yes and then tell me I was acting crazy. I guess I started to believe it myself. I started dismissing those gut feelings, telling myself I was overthinking. But I still didn't understand why he kept me at a distance, why I'd never met his kids, why he didn't ever want to show me his home, always wanted to get together at mine. He'd tell me that he needed some space and some time. He'd remind me of how I'd "left him" and I carried that guilt over my own head, he didn't even have to. I didn't push it. I figured he was right, time is a healer.
But one day I'd been texting him all afternoon and he hadn't been replying. We were supposed to get together later that evening, after his golf game, so I was confused. Out of character for him. At about 4p.m. I finally got a call from him. I picked up, "hi you! What's up, I've been texting you all day!" The voice that responded wasn't his. It was a guy who'd found his phone on the golf couse, had seen my number, figured I was the gf, called me. Told me he was going to leave the phone in the clubhouse, suggested I call one of "L's" friends, hung up with me. I sat there with my phone in my hand realizing that I didn't know any of his friends. Not even one. I started feeling a little pissed. Something drove me to my phonebook that day. I looked up his last name, found him in the book next to the listed address that I knew was his. Next to it was a phone number. A landline. He'd told me that he didn't have one. But here it was. I dialed. My heart was pounding. A woman answered. I almost hung up. I asked her if "L" was there. She said no, asked who I was. I told her I was a friend of his, asked who she was. She responded; "I'm his wife". Oh my GOD. I'll never forget that day. I almost fell to my knees, they'd turned to Jell-o. His wife??? How could that be?? She asked again how it was that I knew him and I almost lied. I still can't believe it but that was my first instinct, to protect him. But I couldn't. Woman to woman and hearing her voice the way it sounded, I had to tell her. Her breath caught. She asked how long. I told her. I began sobbing. She was calm. I asked her if we could meet somewhere. She was hesitant but finally agreed. We met at a restaurant down the street from me. When I saw her for the first time I was surprised. She was the exact opposite of me. Clearly at least twenty years older, prim, conservative, poised, dressed in what looked like The Gap meets Laura Ashley. I'm 33 but I look 23, showed up in a tank top & jeans, baseball hat with a ponytail, tears streaming down my face. She ordered some iced tea, I drank 3 martinis. I'm not a big drinker but I was that day. We talked for over 3 hours. Out it came, they'd been married for 30 years. He was 56, not in his forties. Details emerged such as his money clip, he'd always told me he'd designed and even sautered it himself, she had. His favorite movies, his taste in literature, hers too. A woman he'd told me he'd been seeing before he met me, her best friend. I was shocked. Felt so betrayed. I felt like I wanted to vomit. I couldn't believe he could hide this from me and for so long. Couldn't believe he'd had no problem interfering with my life, my engagement even, under the guise of being available and having real feelings for me. By the time we'd parted ways I was numb. I had a friend pick me up from the restaurant and I cried my eyes out all night long. I cried for weeks actually. And I didn't hear from him at all that first night or the next morning. No call asking me if I was okay. No call saying he was sorry. Nothing until the following week. It was afternoon and I'd been crying still, feeling completely lost. The phone rang, it was him. He sounded like he was a million miles away. He sounded stiff, cold, void of emotion. I asked him why and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he'd ever loved me and he said; "No, I guess I didn't." My heart dropped to my feet, the blood totally drained from my face. I felt dizzy. "So you just used me? Played me?", I asked him. "Yes I suppose I did" was his answer. "And I need to see if I can work it out with my wife, I hope you understand". I felt , the numbness just completely washed over me. I wanted to die. I felt the same feeling I had on the phone with him that day almost two years before but worse. It was like I was talking to a complete stranger who had just moments before been my best friend, my lover, my baby. This person was now stabbing me in the heart, in the stomach, in the knees, I couldn't even stand up. I couldn't even hang up the phone, though he had. I felt like I wanted to disappear. Or like I just had disappeared.
Weeks went by and his wife called me a couple times. We talked for quite a while each time. Talked about our feelings, about him, about how we were handling it, she'd gone on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. Was having trouble sleeping. I wasn't sleeping much either. She told me she'd decided she was going to divorce him. I told her I'd probably never want to see him again. It was so painful. On top of finding out about his marriage, I was dealing with feeling like I'd gotten thrown away. Also dealing with how it felt to know his wife and kids were so hurt. And that I was part of the reason. It was like lie on top of lie on top of my whole relationship with him felt like a lie.
They're in the middle of the divorce process right now. A couple months after she told him she was divorcing him I saw him. Talked to him. He'd been texting me. Telling me he missed me and was so sorry about everything. Told me that he'd only said what he'd said to me on the phone that day because she'd been standing right there. He told me he did love me, does love me, or it wouldn't have gone on for so long. Said he'd never just come out with the truth because he was certain he'd lose me. Lose us both. said he'd felt trapped, like he didn't know what to do anymore once it had gotten so deep. I believed him. I'd wanted to, I guess. I started seeing him again. It took awhile for the denial to wear thin. Then I started feeling really angry. I'd ask him questions and he never wanted to discuss it. My anger turned to rage. I stopped seeing him, would only text with him. He wanted to talk at that point but I was beyond that. I needed to process it. I needed to feel that anger and decide what it was that I really felt and if I still wanted him in my life.
That's where I'm at right now. I love him so much but I'm afraid that I fell in love with an image that he projected. That it's not really him. I haven't seen him in weeks but I'm still talking to him. I don't know how to let go, I don't know how to hold on. I'm at a total loss. I don't know what to do. But this time, I'm listening to my instincts. I'm going to trust them to guide me. I think I know in my heart that I'll have to let him go but it's a struggle between my heart and my head. I can't believe this has happened to me. Still. Still in shock I guess. And it hurts.

Feb 25 - 3PM
bemybest
bemybest's picture

I am having a really hard

I am having a really hard time here today....he is a liar...a liar...I have to remember this...they can seem so sincere...why, why do they continue to try to keep coming back? He knows I know his game...I hate to admit how jealous I am of the women he is calling and seeking out. I know I congnitively undertand this, but emotionally I am struggling. He is sending me such romantic emails, wants to take me on a cruise, wants to put the engagement ring he bought me in August on my finger...telling me he understands now what he is...wants to do whatever it takes to fix this. Why isn't he just moving on? Why is he tormenting me? I don't let on he is..I act very removed by all his attempts...I have not seen him since Dec. 30th...with him for 4.5 years. I know he is desperate for supply....but he can get fresh exciting supply with someone new...will he ever leave me alone? And yet I am ashamed to admit I will feel much pain when he eventually does...which will mean he has found a new gf..for supply. Its all so very sick.
Feb 25 - 9PM (Reply to #51)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Self-respect

BemyBest, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. When I finally decided to let my ex go for good I couldn't decide which was worse...how much it hurt to walk away...or how painful I knew it would be when he let me. I was so good for weeks, didn't text back, just ignored him. But I'm embarrassed to say, I've been responding. I figured what harm could it do? I'm so attached to him. Now I'm just making it worse for myself. I feel so stupid, I know he's a liar and that in itself is unacceptable to me. There's no real intimacy with that b.s. Be strong, girl. You're so much better than what this guy has to offer you. Second best? Third best? I know you want him to want you, I know how that feels. It's so hard to let go because you're attached. Try and remember that. It's not because you have the great connection your emotional self keeps insisting. Yep he's trying all right, because he hates rejection. And I think they lose respect for us when we give into it too. Don't give him that. He'll just break your heart over and over. I wish I could give you a giant hug, I know you need one. You'll find love and support here. We're here for you when you want to call him, when you miss him, if you're feeling like no one understands. This forum has given me that. Support. People who genuinely care about your well-being and how you feel. He's all about himself. He's not capable of giving you the kind of love you deserve. You will heal. Remember that. It's normal, what you're experiencing. Let yourself feel it, it hurts but it's healthy. I think there's a certain dignity in powering through it too. I've gotta go find mine now...Lol. Hang in there.
Feb 25 - 4PM (Reply to #43)
rache
rache's picture

bemybest

((HUGS))i so feel for you! i know it hurts,it hurts ME! As,this too is what my ex N is doing,but,they will continually hurt us-isn't it much better to just get it over with now?HEAL and move on? IF not-we waste the best part of our lives-i am 53 with a 2 year old grand-baby-HE wants to take me away from that and my kids! I do not know how old you are but if you waste another ;precious second with him it is gone forever and He could care less.
Feb 25 - 5PM (Reply to #44)
bemybest
bemybest's picture

Wow..rache

I am 53 as well! I swing from optimism to hopelessness in regards to all the wasted time and how old I am....I feel so wrung out, lately feel way older now with all this mental duress. I look in the mirror and wonder if there is someone genuine out there for me. Hugs back, thanks for responding...I just have to say how much this site is helping me cope.
Feb 25 - 5PM (Reply to #45)
rache
rache's picture

I understand

i had my mid-life crisis at 50! lol...but,i would rather be alone than with a piece of sh.t that called up my now ex friends a month after we were married jacking off on their answering machine saying ouhhh it feels good etc.What a sic sob.And,he's 66.Worthless.I'm blessed to be rid of him.They are all so much a like it isnt even funny.
Feb 25 - 8PM (Reply to #46)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Thank You

Forever Learning, Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me. It's helpful to know that someone understands where I'm at. I wanted to post all day but was embarrassed...I've just been missing him all day and I feel pathetic for it. I know Barbara would probably say; "Stay away! Get in therapy!" and Rache would probably say; "Why the hell do you want that old fkr! He's evil!" Lol so I have to laugh, I feel like I kinda know you guys a little already and it's cool. So I hope you won't think I'm retarded...I miss him and want to see him. I won't...I meant it when I said that I don't even think my body would let me. I couldn't go through with it, I mean. But I've been romanticizing it all day, telling myself that he doesn't make sense, I don't make sense...together we make sense. I wish it were true. Used to feel that way. I thought he was perfect for me. Once upon a time. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel healthy. He smells great. I love his soft hair, his smile. I love the way I can talk to him openly about anything. I just wish he was real. This is insane. It really is like I'm in the twilight Zone. The sad thing is, in the beginning I thought; "this guy is too good to be true. Something is wrong...he couldn't possibly be this into...me. Me." Yeah my self-esteem sucks. But I was working on it. Starting back in school, feeling better about me. So I thought; "why the hell not? Come on now, I deserve a great guy." I thought that gut feeling was just my sense of self-worth. So I ignored it. Turned out it was intuition. So maybe I can't pick men, but I have to remind myself that it's not because I don't deserve a genuinely good man.
Feb 25 - 10PM (Reply to #50)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

I Know What You Mean

I do understand your struggle, and it is a life or death struggle by the way. Hook back up with him and you will surely lose some of the best years of your life with him until you finally wise up or he kicks you to the curb once his wife returns..... or he finds some younger bartender p*ssy a few years down the road and he dumps you after cheating on you the whole time, only this time he'll be so much wiser and slicker (and gaslight the holy h*ll out of you whenever you question him), now he's been caught by you once. Just being blunt to wake you up girlfriend! Some of the things you mentioned really hit home about a particular Narc I knew in the past (who also smelled good - but then again, alot of men smell good nowadays, MOSTLY THE PLAYERS, keep that in mind....... did you know many colognes have pheromes in them nowadays? That is the chemical that causes human sexual attraction. Its a trick to confuse our brain into liking guys, EVEN against our will, subconsciously - terrible, isnt it? Oh yes, it's all over the place in the mens cologne market - not surprised your Narc smelled good, I'm sure he was big into that stuff. Saying you could talk to him about anything: that's because he was "Mirroring" you, by the way - it's not real. It's just copying all your likes and dislikes, pretending to be interested, NEVER SHOWING OUTWARD ANGER TO ROCK THE BOAT..... If he was REAL, he wouldnt have LIED TO YOU for years about being married (oh, I know he said boo hoo, poor him, he didnt know how to get out of the marriage or whatever pathetic little excuse for his deceitful game. BULLSH*T. He should have Man'd Up and grown some integrity and NEVER mislead you into calling off an engagement to another - while HE was in a 30 year marriage with teenage sons who needed their Dad around, not abandoning the emotional support of their Mother and out in bars chasing p*ssy with someone 20 years younger. I'm being rough I know - just trying shed some light on the reality of what he did, to the family he had at the time. As a related footnote - this Narc I knew also yawned in boredom when I told stories to punish me/ be rude to me, indicate I was boring, in a very subtle way, but just like yours, never any outward anger - I only SENSED the anger and was subject to baffling, subtle abuses). Anyways, sorry so blunt and tough there, just trying to help you get RIGHTEOUSLY FURIOUS at this bastard and stop the romantic daydreaming about him. Think about how awful the worst case scenario would truly be - you go back to him, he lies his ass off again and does have other women on the side, and you dont really find out for sure until several years from now, imagine how terrible that will feel then, knowing he lied to you AGAIN, and it was ALL a lie, from start to finish, and you were used, by an old man who is now in his early 60's and you in your late 30's..... that would straight out SUCK. Hang in there and I hope something I said above, has helped you somehow. God bless and all the best to you.
Feb 25 - 9PM (Reply to #47)
rache
rache's picture

Sometimes

we have to get severely burned before we drop that skillet.
Feb 25 - 10PM (Reply to #48)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Amen Sister

My hands are scarred all to hell. I'm the Forrest Gump of skillet holders.
Feb 25 - 11PM (Reply to #49)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

just remember

what skillet? hands what hands? LOL.... just remember - the "person" you are missing DOESN'T EXIST... he a shadow, a mask, a lure... NOT REAL. NOT REAL AT ALL. He's a figment of your own imagination, plucked from you by a master puppeteer to lure you into their sick world so they can suck the life out of you. NOT REAL Not even HUMAN! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 23 - 10PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Lets Start Over Up Here

The column was getting too narrow to read at the bottom of this post. Dear Venus Loved Pluto - sorry I haven't weighed in much on your story. To be honest, I felt terrible for you, I had a friend who was a bartender just like you and I hung out at the bar w/ her while she worked off and on for several years and she was in her early 30's and this same thing happened to her and she was beyond devastated. I was ignorant back then with my own Narcissist / Psychopath problems and couldnt be of much help to her, but the agony of it all for her I remember very clearly and your story has bothered me to no end, I keep thinking of her! You are by no means alone, there are carbon copies of your Narc running loose in this world, who have done the exact same thing to others. Hard to believe, but 100% true. When you said your mind wants to analyze everything he said and did to you, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT. I do believe that is part of healing. Trying to understand the mac truck that hit you, how and why it hit you, etc etc. You want to learn from this experience so it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. I GET IT! On the other hand, eventually, after reading alot around here and swapping input and advice with others, you will reach a place of less analyzation, less scrutiny, and less re-living the whole freaking hellish ordeal over and over and over. I say, take all the time you need in analyzing it. I think it is a natural process, and it will burn itself out once your mind either processes it to some level it is comfortable with, or just says "to hell with it all, I give up". Either way, you win, you find peace. And that is the ultimate end goal here. Bye bye pain suffering disillusionment betrayal sadness agony anger, and hello peace and eventual authentic happiness. No real time tables on any of it, it just happens when it happens. But you are still in the very early stages, and I think you are totally normal in your reactions and grasping to understand all the who what where when and whys of what happened to you. Most of the questions you have raised, about why in the world did he do this and that to you - I have no specific answers for. Other than, these personality disorders / mentally ill / psychopathic losers who walk among us are so foreign, so strange, so opposite from normal human beings, that making heads or tails of them, is truly, like trying to read hieroglyphics for any of us. Most of it just doesnt make sense. The ultimate question if I was to cut it down to bare bones is always - "He said he loved me. Why did he lie about ABC and XYZ to me, and why does it appear that he at times intentionally and cruelly tried to torment and hurt me?" The answer is unknown. Their brains dont make sense. Only God knows. None of us humans. We can only speculate, and try to warn others, to spare them the harm of being the next victim (when safe or appropriate to warn them, our safety must come first). Hang in there, your questions are all normal, just wish I had all the answers for you, I really, really do. I have to tell you, I really despise this man who screwed you over and lied to you the way he did, along with lying to his wife of 30 years. God bless that poor woman too. God bless you both, and his kids, bless their hearts, they didnt deserve a life long loser cheater and hurtful liar for a father. Take care and keep coming back here, you are helping others while helping yourself.
Feb 22 - 9PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yours came back to you...

because he knows he lost her. I was playing the role his wife was (not married but lived together for 7 years). After the gf & I found out about each other, he was really screwed! He called gf one night hysterically saying, " I don't have you & now I don't have her either! Now what in the fuck am I suppose to do???!!!" What the hell?! She said he sounded like a lunatic! Needless to say, the gf dumped him in May & I'll be damned if by June he had a new gf & says she's the love of his life...What a loser! They are all the same! Umm, if it makes you feel any better, that old f****r is old enough to be your father!
Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Yeah I know...

Hahahaahaha! I have to laugh, you're totally funny. And right. I know, everyone thought he was my Dad too. Like, strangers out in public. I look early twenties, easy, and he looks every bit his age. I know he's with me because he's not with her, I'm not stupid. I guess I don't understand though, why not move on to something fresh and new? Why the hell does he want to try and be with me with all the baggage we'd have now? Plus he now knows that I know he's a fraud...at least to some degree...why would he want to be with someone who doesn't think he's Mr. Perfect anymore? I don't get it. He still tries. Not hard but tries.
Feb 23 - 11PM (Reply to #40)
Nothanx
Nothanx's picture

Same confusion here!

The part about why doesn't he just move on is sooooo weird. I am baffled by this! It just seems so much easier to go find new supply, than to keep going back to old sources. Everything they do is just the opposite of what a normal person would do!! I think a huge part of it is that it kills them to think you are over them, and that you may actually find someone else to live a happy life with!
Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #37)
rache
rache's picture

my ex had a flat

tire and a couple stopped and helped us.The guy said he thought it was a father taking his daughter to college.I was 52.LMAO-it was at a distance when he first saw us,but,the ex is 13 years my senior.
Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #38)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Lol

Haha! Yeah they don't like that much do they?
Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #39)
rache
rache's picture

Nope

My ex said that SOB MFer,lol......
Feb 19 - 12PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

SOOO Sorry

haven't seen him in weeks but I'm still talking to him. I don't know how to let go, I don't know how to hold on. I'm at a total loss. I don't know what to do. But this time, I'm listening to my instincts. I'm going to trust them to guide me. I think I know in my heart that I'll have to let him go but it's a struggle between my heart and my head. I can't believe this has happened to me. Still. Still in shock I guess. And it hurts I am soooo sorry you were betrayed like this, I too was betrayed very close to you story, he went on to pretend he and his GF had problems and he didnt like the relationship ALL LIES, They just moved into his million dollar masion he built and they travel the world while I was at home for three years crying over this man thinking he loved me as he was basking in the sun with the girl he had so many problems with. TRUST ME LET GO OF THIS MAN NOW, you must find a way because I held on to mine three years and look where I am today, I finally let him go about a month ago. They are predators of the worst kind to society, they destory peoples lives, they run away when you question them and see who they are and they dont give a shit about the damage they do. I can tell you what to do you never speak to him again he is a swindler and an expert con man. They are pigs and scum and underneath all that charm is nothing but evil. Again I know how lost you feel walk away with your head held high and know you fell victim to a predator.
Feb 25 - 4PM (Reply to #34)
rache
rache's picture

cynthia

I know you hurt so bad (hugs)wish your ex would lose his millions in a bad investment.My old psycho is on disability ss and thinks he's it!LMAO.He would be dangerous with money.
Feb 19 - 9PM (Reply to #33)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Horrible

Horrible story. Stop talking to him. Immediately. This guy is really, really twisted. I know it's hard. You invested so much into him. You're scared & lonely. But he can't help you. He'll only use you. Thank God you found the wife. Now you need to get yourself free. The only want to stop crying is to put distance between yourself & him.
Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #31)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your words. I'm trying to maintain. I know it's over, I'm exhausted too. I put so much energy into trying to hold it together, telling myself that if he'd talk to be, be real with me, we could kind of start over and it could be good. I ran myself in circles while he stood still, probably amused and not even caring much. It wasn't until I realized there was a bigger problem that I finally took a breath and accepted what I've known all along, that I'm not crazy. But now I really feel like I am and I need some help getting back to myself. I do feel lost. Defeated. Stupid.
Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #32)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

venuslovespluto

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG You were traumatized... it's normal to feel exhausted. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 18 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome venuslovedpluto

Get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY - this guy's your classic Narcissist/Predator. Sounds like Psycho-Boy. Typical. Uses and abuses women with seductive hypnosis and mind control -- and thinks nothing of destroying you. - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Get a hold of a copy of Lisa's book (Link in the Right Column) Please read ALL the Rules prior to posting on our Boards, as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers if you have to don't ALLOW him to contact you again... DO NOT ALLOW IT! and do NOT contact him in any way... that includes looking at his Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn asking friends, etc. Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing classically takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) and you will need ongoing support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 18 - 7PM
rache
rache's picture

YES!

you fell in love with a cheating,lying,narcissist who thought nothing of hurting his wife/kids/or you.He projected a false self=an illusion.The man you saw=the distant,cold,shell is who he really is.RUN,do not walk away or you'll be the wife and there will always be another GF.It doesnt matter the age,looks either.
Feb 18 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
serene69
serene69's picture

It may be hard

It may be hard to come to terms with this man, but that is exactly what he is - a cheating, lying narcissist. It is horrible when one realises the full extent of their madness. But they are all empty shells. My N - who was a manic/depressive type - used to go through weird stages when he seemed slightly aware that he was damaged (not that he would ever change his ways.) He once posted on facebook (Which he loves - of course as he has sooo many friends on there) in Italian "You don't love me, but the idea of me." (he's american - living in england) I speak Italian and he knew this - he doesn't. It stayed up for about an hour and then he deleted it. I think this really sums it up - I did indeed fall for what was the idea of him - not the real him.
Feb 21 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
rache
rache's picture

serene69

and,thats what he wanted for you to fall in love with,as,you couldn't love nor could anyone else his TRUE self.
Feb 21 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Truth of Self

I just cannot grasp the concept of wanting someone to fall in love with an image one projects and not their true self. We all put our best foot forward when we start out, tell the other about ourselves in a positive light, we're on our best behavior, but that's entirely different from creating a "persona". How could he glean pleasure from watching me fall for someone he knew wasn't really him? Does he really believe that he's this caricature of himself? I can't really get my mind around that. It's bizarre to me. I'd be so worried about being rejected that I couldn't be anyone other than me. At least then I'd know I was rejected in the beginning before serious attachment forms. I'd go crazy trying to hide myself from someone. I know I can't compare and contrast my thought process to that of an abnormal person but what are they so afraid of? To me there's nothing more beautiful than seeing someone's vulnerabilities along with their strengths.
Feb 21 - 8PM (Reply to #26)
rache
rache's picture

Its a sad reality with them

My ex N has created dozens of phony profiles with ages/backgrounds etc to lure girls/women! Even one a harley rider and he cant even walk let along hold up a hog! LMAO.He is 66 and poses from 18-60!
Feb 21 - 8PM (Reply to #27)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Poser

Seriously!??! That is so creepy!! Totally predatory. Does it work? I wished I'd listened to my intuition early on. I kept getting this vibe that he was vindictive and angry inside. Sometimes I felt like I was even being punished in little off-hand ways. Like yawns in the middle of me telling him a story. Or "jokingly" saying things that actually really hurt if taken out of the playful context that I think he was feigning most of the time. It confused me so much because he seems so even-keel. And sweet. He never shows anger outwardly, I don't think I've ever even seen him angry. But I've felt it on him. It would scare me. But he's so good, he's such an actor that I still doubt my take on his personality, though my instincts practically scream at me, warning me that he lies about everything. A few times I've asked him for details when I've felt that he's lying and he'd get furious, hang up on me. I don't understand why I'm still doubting my own intuition about this guy. I think I've just ignored it for so long that I don't trust it anymore.
Feb 21 - 8PM (Reply to #28)
rache
rache's picture

TRUST YOUR instincts

its your survival skills.Mine screamed at me too and it was right on.He does lie about everything,and,he did the very things you just described yours did-and-trust it they were trying to hurt us subtly but it wasnt so subtle we didn't recognize it.And yeah,he can deceive those gals as long as he can hide behind his lying profiles and always no pic.He is a great liar