Updates..some ok, some not so okay.

Ladies and gents, I come with a series of updates in my filecase, some good and some not so good.

Let me start with the good stuff. There have been approximately 4 months of completely NC for me, very very active, and refreshing. Yes, with ups and downs, small steps, lonely nights and some triggers, BUT overall pretty good. I`ve been working out and exercising, eating healthy, feeling healthy, probably the most healthy and strong I have ever been in my life!

I live in my own place, I have boundaries with my family and covert N dad. Full NC with N mom. And other boundaries, and no toxic people in my life. I have had some job opportunities, not big ones, but still trying, to help me pay the rent and the bills, and be on my own two feet.

Every day I have thrived to get out of my comfort zone, and stay sane, healthy and everything.

But shoot me (here comes the part I am not very proud of) I had a slip. Not a heavy fall, but a slip of NC you can say. I happen to be sort of financially "crowded" right now, and a pretty stressful period, the place where I lived is being permanently sold, and I gotta find a new one pretty quick, and a summer job to pay the bills. So yes, I had a moment and I looked back.

To the Drug, to the N mess. Have things changed? Absolutely not. I should feel happy, because since these full NC period, I must have gotten on his nerves and he closed and blocked his old profile. I should feel happy I know. Because I know that it is over now, and he has other supply to get his demons on.

But I feel sadness, of course, because any form of Contact, is Pain, and I fully know it crystal clear. Because I didn`t want it to be this way.

I was going to make a pretty mellodramatic post about this, but you know what? I came home, and I looked in the mirror. And you know what? I can see the results of these wonderful NC time and months. I LIKE ME, I like the way I look, I can see the resuslts. And I`ll be damned if I`m gonna let that self centered Narc pig (excuse the language) dictate the way I live!!

Fuck it, fuck him! If in all those years, that is everything he could ever see in myself, NOTHING, it is Not my fault! If that is all he can do, he can KEEP his damn nothing to himself.

I am more than that, I deserve more than that. I`m not gonna die because of this Narcisistic sob, and he ain`t gonna dictate the way I`m gonna live, not him, not any other man!

He is a coward, he is the one who killed my dreams, and if nothing is all he can do, than he can keep it!

It is not about him anymore, it is about Me.

Thank you for letting me Vent tonight. Thank you each and everyone who believed in me, your voices carry me in the dark! You are all amazing.

I hope I am not going to dissapoint any of you in the future for putting your hopes and trust in me. I am going to get out of this, not only survive but survive smiling! :)

Life is more than that, life deserves to be lived, life is beautiful, life is worthy, WE are worthy.

Fuck them, let them give their Nothingness to somebody else! Because that is all they are, and all they will ever have to give!

I`m gonna brush myself off of this, because tommorrow is a brand new day. It was also his birthday these days, and probably that was also a little trigger. But to hell with it, I`m gonna live my life to the fullest.

Love,

x