Update and "stuck" question

Hi everyone!

I haven’t posted here in a couple of months because I needed a break. Not a break from you wonderful people, but a break from letting my ex take up so much space in my brain. I’ve been trying to shift my focus onto me and what I want and need to be happy. I think that’s the first thing that goes when you’re involved with a Cluster B; there’s just no room for you in that “relationship.”

For those of you who don’t know (or remember) my story, I’ll post a link at the bottom of this post for anyone interested. The nutshell version is that after almost a year of high drama dating, I couldn’t take it anymore and went NC during one of his rounds of the silent treatment. Because we worked together, this was pretty awful (and wicked hard.) He came unglued, but I never broke NC. He picked up and moved over the Christmas holiday. I’ve since had multiple hoover attempts, all of which I’ve ignored.

NC is the key, as everyone says. If I hadn’t done it, I would still be an emotional and physical wreck, no doubt. However, it’s not a cure-all. I still have questions and sometimes I still get sad. Staying Strong wrote an excellent post here a couple of weeks ago about being stuck. I’m still stuck on two points, and they’re holding me back. I’m curious what YOU think.

The first thing is that when my ex left the state, he moved to SoCal (from the Midwest, so not at all a small move.) I lived in LA for a few years, and everyone who knows me for five minutes knows how badly I want to be back there. The first time I talked to him about returning to LA, he laughed and said, “You should go back! But, if you do, you’re on your own because I’d NEVER want to live there.” Yet, THAT’S the place to which he relocates? It’s fair to say I’m jealous that he’s there and I’m not. It feels like he’s been rewarded for being a douchebag. He was the ass yet he gets to go to the one place I want to be and have been trying to get back to for five years? I can’t seem to let this go and I don’t know why. I know what he does and where he goes matters not at all, but this still fries me.

The second thing is that, when I least expect it, I’ll remember something he said or did that I should have seen as a sign of his cheating. I know he had at LEAST one OW while we were together. In fact it was the prime reason I ended it with him. So, why do these little suspicions and memories still mess with me? I know all I need to know about his extracurricular activities. I don’t want to think about it anymore; it’s just hurtful. When he left the state he left the OW behind as well, so it’s not like I’m haunted by thoughts of him blissfully happy with someone else. I don’t know why these memories pop up out of the blue, but I’d like to change the channel.

Any thoughts or suggestions on how to get unstuck from these two irritations is much appreciated!

Ally
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/01/10/allys-story

exhausted's picture

So happy you are back. I've missed your posts. I'm glad to hear you are doing well! Keep it up!
gettinbetter's picture

Ally I wondered what happened to you. Sounds like you are doing pretty well. I am happy for you. I guess you read that my x responded to one of my texts after months of silent treatment that he was getting married to a nice lady in the fall and told me good luck and take care of my family. It set me back in ahuge way but finally pushed me to seek therapy which is a good thing. I too still find myself going over and oveer in my head why me? He has tons of x girlfriends why did he choose me to screw over again. What I have come up with is that I was there and he could. if I think on a deeper level i sometimes think that it was meant to happen and I was meant to know wht what happened all those years ago happened and although I have suffered and still suffering a huge amount of pain I now know that it wasn't me. It wasn't because I wasn't this or that. It was because he is disordered.
ally2375's picture

I like the screen name. :) I did read about your ex and his reappearance. I'm so sorry that he did that too you. I am sure it was a real 2x4 to the heart. Even when we KNOW that's the kind of crap these guys pull and we know WHY they do it, it still hurts like hell. I'm glad that you're seeking therapy, because I think it will give you some peace. I know you know intellectually that the problem is not you, but sometimes this message takes awhile to sink in emotionally. For me, it's also taken quite awhile to accept that no matter how much I can love him, I can't love him enough to make him not disordered. I think once we really and truly accept both those things, we can finally move on. Takes work though. Good for you for continuing to press forward. It's the only way. :)
jaycee's picture

ally i will try to answer but im not in a good place, but am assuming that these thoughts pop in and out of your head because its difficult to accept those we love are no good lying bastards, and as good people its hard to accept it and accept that others are no good.......but for you, feel so blessed you are not haunted by the thoughts of him living blissfully happy with his ow, as she got hers, he left he standing with her thumb up her butt........lol...savor that one...........and keep on feeling good and doing your own thing...........stay narc free and pray i can someday say im narc free as well.xoxo

Jaycee

ally2375's picture

Hi Sweetheart, I know you've had a rough couple of weeks. I've been peeking in on the board and read a few of your posts. I'm sorry you're struggling so hard right now. Please know that it does get better. I'm not out of the weeds yet, but a few months ago I could barely get up out of bed. You're strong enough to do this. You really are. As far as my situation goes, I take no solace in his having hurt the OW. I bear no ill will toward her. ALL my anger goes right where it belongs: my ex. I just hope he's not stringing her along (he will if she allows it) because she has little kids. Remember that it's about progress, not perfection. You'll be Narc-free soon enough!
jaycee's picture

thanks ally for understanding, ive been struggling, a bit of an understatement, lol, but im hoping to awake one morning and not feel anything for the rotten creature that i called my husband for twenty five years.......i hope to be the voice of reason to someone else someday telling them i was the weakest of weak and am now strong enough to help others........that is my wish tonight.......and wish is for everyone here to be healed and narc free by morning, hey a girl can dream........xoxo

Jaycee

SoaperGirl's picture

Probably a more scientific term is out there, but I was thinking conditioned reflexes - like the bell to stimulate dogs salivating, those random thoughts are remnants of old memories which mean something to you. I was watching a video this morning where it was said that narcs subtlety brainwash us with thoughts and memories buried deep within our psyche. They train us to react in certain ways that we associate with pleasure and reward. So, maybe something triggers the neural synapse firing for the cells containing those memories? Old unwanted memories- so tough to get them out of our heads. Maybe that's why those unwanted thoughts tend to get stuck in our heads. I'm especially like that when it comes to certain tunes and songs. Drives me crazy! I don't claim to know, just a theory that came to me.
Susan32's picture

The ex-Psych prof was like Pavlov's dog when I told him that my classmates HATED him... but that I didn't hate him.. And I took away the meaty bone when I told him that I saw him as a mere mortal, and that it wasn't his job, as a teacher, to command his students how to think&feel. Since the ex-P's name is Hebrew for dog, PETA would be on my case for animal cruelty in regards to him. Ns/Ps condition people... but let's not forget they have weaknesses (HUGE TEXAS-SIZE ONES)... and they're conditioned too. The ex-P didn't know HOW to handle me when I was NOT reacting the way he expected. He associated his own pleasure&reward with seeing me cry... and when I STOPPED publicly weeping after seeing his live-in girlfriend, he was profoundly baffled. I'm sure he associates with memories... and I bet they give him MAJOR EPIC CD. Yes, he dished out the "good teacher/bad teacher" routine... he didn't mind being considered a monster/alien/robot... his favorite movies are the Terminator series... and if he thinks of me, I'm the one who went from saying "I LOVE YOU" to ridiculing him in the senior skit. I went from worshipping every word he said to comparing him to an infant. I'm an empath... so I KNOW...
ally2375's picture

It could very well be a conditioned response. Dunno. How did Pavlov get the dogs to STOP drooling to the bell? That is the question. You'd think the games and other women would have done it. ;)
Hunter's picture

Welcome back. Im glad you are safe and narc free. They never seem to leave, No answer to your question. If he's In LA then you are better off in the Mid West. :) Why did he move there anyway? Does he think he is going to make it on the Big Screen??? HAHAHAHAHA Hunter AKA Idealk
ally2375's picture

Hi Hunter! I read about your recent bout of Narc reappearance. I'm sure you had been really missing him; his teensy NJ apartment and mother obsession would make any woman MAD with desire. ;) Sorry you had to deal with that. Hope you're feeling better.
Happy1's picture

Welcome back! Good question but I hope someone else has a good answer for you because I have those questions in my head too. Maybe we just keep answering our questions with our own answer of "who cares"! It's a long hard road and you're doing so great! Big hugs to you!
ally2375's picture

Aw, Happy I've missed you! I hope you're doing well. :) It's very good to hear from you.
spinning's picture

I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. You helped me so much in my early stages of NC and I really appreciate that! I am so glad you posted and that you're doing okay despite feeling 'stuck.' I believe it is conditioning...will just take more time and distance. What these losers did to us over a period of time does not get undone easily but I am optimistic that one day they will be just a speck of lint on our sleeves. Ally, I'm doing better...at 6 months NC tomorrow! Amazing things are starting to happen and it's getting better and better. Like you, though, sometimes I still feel his presence in my life and I'm quite sick of it! I also can't quite figure out why, except maybe that for six years I was conditioned to have these thoughts and I'm only six months out so the conditioning lingers. Well, girlfriend, I'll sign off now but I want you to know I'm so glad you're doing well and I hope you'll keep us posted. love and hugs from spinning (just a little today).

spinning

ally2375's picture

Or should I call you "Standing"?! :) It's so good to hear that the spinning is slowing for you. It's about time, right?! I used to set little goals for myself, like, "by Christmas I will be feeling good" or "when the snow's all melted, I will be totally over this" but now I don't bother. Healing happens on its own time frame. I'm doing better, too. I'm still stuck on a couple of points, but overall I'm not such a mess anymore. I was such a wreck for so many months that I have some making up to do with my co-workers, family and friends. The tide is turning slowly, but it is turning. I hope I'll get to a point soon when I'm ready to welcome a guy into my life again. The biggest thing I've learned from all this is how much I want to share my life with someone. The key is "share" though, not "give over and surrender"! I was so concerned about not seeming needy that I subjugated ALL my needs in order to make my ex comfortable. Yeah, he was comfortable all right! Never again. :)