I haven’t posted here in a couple of months because I needed a break. Not a break from you wonderful people, but a break from letting my ex take up so much space in my brain. I’ve been trying to shift my focus onto me and what I want and need to be happy. I think that’s the first thing that goes when you’re involved with a Cluster B; there’s just no room for you in that “relationship.”
For those of you who don’t know (or remember) my story, I’ll post a link at the bottom of this post for anyone interested. The nutshell version is that after almost a year of high drama dating, I couldn’t take it anymore and went NC during one of his rounds of the silent treatment. Because we worked together, this was pretty awful (and wicked hard.) He came unglued, but I never broke NC. He picked up and moved over the Christmas holiday. I’ve since had multiple hoover attempts, all of which I’ve ignored.
NC is the key, as everyone says. If I hadn’t done it, I would still be an emotional and physical wreck, no doubt. However, it’s not a cure-all. I still have questions and sometimes I still get sad. Staying Strong wrote an excellent post here a couple of weeks ago about being stuck. I’m still stuck on two points, and they’re holding me back. I’m curious what YOU think.
The first thing is that when my ex left the state, he moved to SoCal (from the Midwest, so not at all a small move.) I lived in LA for a few years, and everyone who knows me for five minutes knows how badly I want to be back there. The first time I talked to him about returning to LA, he laughed and said, “You should go back! But, if you do, you’re on your own because I’d NEVER want to live there.” Yet, THAT’S the place to which he relocates? It’s fair to say I’m jealous that he’s there and I’m not. It feels like he’s been rewarded for being a douchebag. He was the ass yet he gets to go to the one place I want to be and have been trying to get back to for five years? I can’t seem to let this go and I don’t know why. I know what he does and where he goes matters not at all, but this still fries me.
The second thing is that, when I least expect it, I’ll remember something he said or did that I should have seen as a sign of his cheating. I know he had at LEAST one OW while we were together. In fact it was the prime reason I ended it with him. So, why do these little suspicions and memories still mess with me? I know all I need to know about his extracurricular activities. I don’t want to think about it anymore; it’s just hurtful. When he left the state he left the OW behind as well, so it’s not like I’m haunted by thoughts of him blissfully happy with someone else. I don’t know why these memories pop up out of the blue, but I’d like to change the channel.
Any thoughts or suggestions on how to get unstuck from these two irritations is much appreciated!