Update

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing well - making serious progress in counseling in learning why I felt that it was o.k. for the N to treat me as someone not worthy.

For so long I have always felt that I wasn't good enough and my goal was for someone to "validate" me and say that "yes you are good enough". I've finally learned and believe and KNOW that it doesn't mean anything for anyone else to say it or think it - what matters is that I KNOW it and I BELIEVE it.

I know that I deserve someone who treats me as good as I treat them and others - I know that I deserve someone who loves me for who I am and what's most important to me is that I KNOW that I'm o.k. if that never happens because I love myself for who I am - for my strengths and my weaknesses and for everything that makes me "ME".

I want all the newbies here to know that we all had a part to play in how the N treated us - yeah they were absolutely wrong and hateful and evil and I could go on and on but we were wrong too. We were wrong because we accepted that and thought that in order to have them "love us" we had to accept being treated as "less than" or not worthy. I know that for most of us it goes back to life lessons and how we were programed as children. But we are in control now and if we give up that control and we accept treatment that is not acceptable than what it basically boils down to is that we allowed that treatment and that's all we think we deserve. I know that for so many of us control was something that we never ever had - but in thinking that you can control the N and make him love you and if you are good enough and give enough he will truly love you, you are wrong. It will never be enough - because the N has never ever seen you for who you truly are - all he/she has ever seen is what you can give and what crumbs do you need from them to keep you giving and giving and giving.

I know that each and every one of us truly believed that we loved our N - but did we really? Weren't there always questions and doubts in our minds that we just pushed away and made excuses for because we so desperately wanted them to love us? We wanted to feel "good enough". We wanted them to love us.... Each of us needs to go beyond the N and what "he" did and "why" did he do that to "why" did we allow it and what were we looking for and why did we think that unacceptable behavior was o.k. as long as they loved us.

We don't need anyone to make us feel good enough or to compromise who and what we are and believe so that someone will love us.

As for the N? Don't know, don't care - I have more important things to do with the rest of my life than to worry anymore about him and so do you. I will file for divorce as soon as I'm legally able and I'm being smart and calm headed about this and I'm not going to let him jerk my chain or push my buttons anymore.

I'm taking the path forward and I'm looking forward to this journey....

Hoping that everyone will stay strong and remember the golden rule - NO CONTACT - no matter what - I know those with shared children will have to have some - but make it on your terms - try to do as much as you can without talking to them and letting them push your buttons. Have someone with you if you are not sure you are strong enough to see them when they pick up the kids, or get a friend to take them there - but first and foremost - do for yourself what you would do for your loved ones and friends ....

xoxoxox