update 2

24 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 30 - 5PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

update 2

ok. so, i have noticed a pattern. he is rude, then he asks me for a menial favor. i reflected on it a bit, and it happened alot in our 'relationship'/'marraige', gaslighting? conditioning?
so what happens, is if i refuse it, i am then faced with appearing petty and most likely being abused further.
so, after his bitchy email, he called twice and repeated everything he said in a voicemail.
sigh...
then, he sends me a text asking if i'll watch milo the dog. i love this dog. he's moving in next sunday, and asked if i would 'watch milo starting monday. he misses me', then he send a pittiful picture of the dog.
i replied 'uhmm, aren't you moving in in a week anyway'
'yes, but i'm going backpacking'.
i did not respond.
THEN, i have two email from him
'will you watch milo, he'll me misserable at my sisters house all week'
next email:
'can i drop milo off monday or tuesday'
it's really infuritating to me that i am being asked for a favor, even though it is trivial and i don;t mind at all, right after him being rude. my option are either to say no, try explaining to a psychopath that you can;t be rude then ask for things, or just say 'yeah'.
fucking drives me CRAZY

Oct 1 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Fierflie . . . It's like you

Fierflie . . . It's like you have no concept that you do NOT have to even notice he exists. I can't wait till we get to the new forum because I miss so much goings on, my brain has a rough time following the thread format here. But did I hear you'll be living under the same roof as him? He is not your God. He is not your Master. He is not your Father. You are an independent adult woman with a separate self and a separate mind. He can't get to you unless you open the door and let him in. And you keep opening the door. In the very least, you don't slam it shut and nail the boards together so he can't get it. You just let him in over and over again and get set up with "dilemmas". This could stop, it's very simple really. You just have to want it to stop.
Oct 1 - 3PM (Reply to #23)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

briesis

yeah, i do get that. you're right. the thing is, i can cognitively get that, yet stay up all night beating myself up over setting boundaries. it's just the way i am, and the way he trained me. do you remember that? i know i need ot get my shit together, it's just hard. i realise ny posts are probably redundant and annoying, however, thanks to you guys, i DID say 'no'. and that's something...
Oct 1 - 2PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

i know, i still feel so

i know, i still feel so aweful about it for some reason. he would always say i was petty and never helped him enough no matter how much i did. its like i'm damned if i do and damned if i don;t.
Oct 1 - 12AM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

thanks guys

i really am having a hard time. being ingenuine, playing his games with him, instead of saying honest things like 'you want a friendship, be a friend', like i have been able to do with other x's. i'm glad you guys are here to tell me i'm not being mean, petty, or cruel, which i'm sure he will make me feel like... thank you for reassuring me. i love milo :(
Oct 1 - 10AM (Reply to #20)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Fierflie

The ex did the same thing to me. Funny thing was, he was living in another state entirely but wanted *me* to help him find pet care while he traveled for a month! LOL! So I threw back his own words at him, as he was always telling me how POPULAR he was and how many best friends he had. I told him that I couldn't help him and that since he had so many fabulous friends, he should be able to find someone who could take care of our dog. And I hear you, I miss my dog all the time. It kills me that I won't ever see him again but it's one of the prices of freedom. Anyway, it was all a setup, I'm sure he knew his request was ludicrous, he just wanted to be able to say "fine, I shan't trouble you again with any news or requests about dog X." What.ever. Stay strong, he's just yanking your chain. Milo will probably be perfectly happy at his sister's house. xoxo
Oct 1 - 10AM (Reply to #19)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Hi Fierflie, I agree with

Hi Fierflie, I agree with the other comments here. He's trying to bait you and suck you back in, and he's using the dog to do it. If it were me and my xnh, and he was trying to pull this, my response would be, "No. You'll have to find somewhere else to take Milo. He's your dog. You'll just have to figure it out." No explanations. No excuses. No more conversation with him about it. You're divorced now and have your own life. He does, too, and he needs to take care of his own problems. You're not accountable to him, and God knows, he's NOT going to be accountable to you. You may have to live under the same roof for a while...but you're still free to have your own life WITHOUT him in it or controlling it in any way. Concerning your comment, "i'm glad you guys are here to tell me i'm not being mean, petty, or cruel, which i'm sure he will make me feel like...". YOU are not trying to mean, petty, or cruel. You're a caring person. Your caring about the dog shows it. However, HE is an N without empathy. He has no such reservations about being cruel to you or using you (or the dog) in whatever form he wishes, merely to get his baby way at the moment. I'm relatively sure he already has mistreated you in the past using this same tactic. You have EVERY right to tell him "NO". Telling him "NO" is not being mean, petty, or cruel. Like my mother used to tell me, "If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question." The meaning here is that every question can have two answers "Yes" OR "No". If he asks a question (or favor) from you, he must accept your answer either way you wish to respond. If he's asking you a question that only has the answer "yes" in his mind, he's really NOT asking a question. He's demanding...and you don't have to accept that from him. He has no right to demand from anyone...particularly you. There is nothing mean, petty, or cruel by your choosing to tell him "No". If he gets manipulative and upset...oh, well. That's his problem. However, twisting any guilt onto you is not one of the options. He must accept your answer. Period. Just my two cents worth... :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Oct 1 - 12AM
better off
better off's picture

He couldn't seem to draw any

He couldn't seem to draw any blood with the emails about your "secret accounts" so he had to up the ante. I know!! I'll use the dog. She loves the dog. He just wants to screw around with you. And you don't have to give him any explanations about what you do ever. YOU'RE DIVORCED. HE divorced you. He can't have it both ways.
Sep 30 - 9PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

i just sent him a text that

i just sent him a text that said 'i don't think so.'
Oct 1 - 12AM (Reply to #15)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Good!

Now hold firm and NC...no explanations no nothing NO ANSWER...MILO is a dog, he'll get over it...he needs to eat sleep and shit and as long as he's healthy, I don't think he'll need therapy. Talking about MILO here, not the NARC! Hugs!
Oct 1 - 12AM (Reply to #16)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

this is the dog he talks

this is the dog he talks about beating until his hand was tired when he was a puppy. a dog that sits and stares at him trembling... much like i did towards the end
Sep 30 - 9PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

what if i just respond 'no.'

what if i just respond 'no.' and then send it.
Sep 30 - 8PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

sigh... if i don't respond

sigh... if i don't respond he'll probably just show up.
Sep 30 - 8PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

so just say that i won't and

so just say that i won't and don't wish to engage in a conversation about why? i feel bad for milo :( shoudl i say i will, but only because milo deserves to be properly taken care of?
Oct 1 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
Used
Used's picture

fierflie

this is what i would say... if i wasent available who would you ask.. when he tells you who he would ask besides you..say ask them then b/c i am not doing it.... i "loaned " myexh money once.. as he was walking out of the door he looked back and said, i could of got this off my sister. i flew out of the chair[like a mad womanlol] and took the money back and said get it off your f..king sister then... he said um um. and i closed the door. and as for the dog not likin his sisters home...surely anywhere would be a piece of cake, after m,s life with him... tell him to piss off...
Sep 30 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

He already said Milo will be

He already said Milo will be miserable at his sister's, so he has somewhere else to take the dog. Let him take the dog somewhere else. If you really feel you need to respond at all (which I wouldn't) just say you can't do it. Period.
Sep 30 - 8PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

please help :( should i just

please help :( should i just say that i'm sick of him being rude, flippant and cold then acting like i owe him something? what do i owe this person who beat me and broke my heart?? WHAT THE FUCK??
Sep 30 - 8PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Fierflie

I've tried to follow the story, but I can't find the sequence. If I remember some of the story, you guys will both cohabitate while waiting for the sale or divorce or something? Whatever the details are...I read very clearly he's moving back in. That is not good for your emotional health nor does it allow full detachment; however, the economy amongst other things have pushed people into doing what they have to...I get it... HOWEVER... Just because you physically share a space does not mean that you are dependent upon one another. Clear boundaries need to be established and enforced. This is your responsibility. Expect he will attempt to violate them at every turn. Being civil is necessary under the circumstances; however, doing favors, worrying about his problems...ARE NOT your responsibility. His Dog=his problem...plain and simple. I would politely tell him you cannot watch his dog and that you do not wish to engage in an explanation that as a courtesy you are advising him so that he can make alternate arrangements. If he attempts to suck you in, use the broken record technique. If you don't know what that is, post "Broken Record" on this thread and put a question mark and I will explain. End of sentence. You need to remain detached or you are asking to get sucked back in at lightining speed. Certainly you will be pissed when you discover that his backpacking trip was something else. These dipshits are all about game and using people. He is free to live his life and do what he wants...he can have an orgy. Don't care, do not engage, psychologically NC...NC...NC...it's not about him...it's about YOU. One word answers. Anything else, it is simply no longer his business. You will have to enforce the rules. Equally, you cannot be concerned about what he is doing. This is a business arrangement and business is not mixed with pleasure. The Rules are...don't ask, don't tell and it goes both ways. Just my two cents...
Sep 30 - 7PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

It's

completely freaking me out that you're going to be living under the same roof as this guy. I'm reallyreally worried about you.
Sep 30 - 7PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

fireflie

he's using the dog and that is soooo unfair! I wouldn't give him an answer like Lisa said unless it's to tell him sure I'll take the dog but then I'm keeping him. Screw his ass for using you this way!
Sep 30 - 7PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

should i really just ignore

should i really just ignore him?
Sep 30 - 6PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

lisa

it's infuriating, isn't it? I just have no idea how to respond.
Sep 30 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

fierflie

I don't think you should even bother responding. He doesn't deserve a response. You're way too good for him. xoxo
Sep 30 - 6PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Fierflie

Their sense of entitlement baffles me. They truly believe they should always receive special treatment regardless of how they treat people.