he always told me I had anger issues, couldn't take critisism, was defensive, crazier than anyone he had ever seen .. blah blah blah. he also told me I was flirty and looking for attention .. when all the while it was HE that was talking to OW. Anyways, they project EVERYTHING they are onto us. Did I ever lose my cool and flip .. oh yea!! And if I was defensive, it was because he CONSTANTLY accused me of outrageous things (the things he was doing) and human nature, when you are being accused is to defend .. eventually, I was so sick of his constant verbal assualts I would just flip on him .. Funny, he could flip out and scream and throw a tantrum (denying it later) but when I did the same he would look at me so horrified!! ha I asked him once how it felt to look in the mirror. Yes, he, at times, made me question myself and if I was the crazy one. Once you are out and can look back in clearly .. you see how they manipulated you and tried to make you feel crazy. he was masterful at talking and turning it. I don't know about you .. but mine would even tell me "what I should have said" like a script .. or how "I should have reacted" you know .. because he knows best!!! lol
My exN would also advise me of "what I should have said" or would say "if you didn't do_______ then we wouldn't be here in this situation right now" Every day I feel better being validated on this board! I finally know that I was not the crazy one!!!!! He had me thinking I needed a straight jacket and I have never felt that way before! Thank goodness for this site!
when I began to hold him accountable for his abusive/controlling words and actions, he then said I was just as bad. Always tit for tat.
He punched the wall, fridge (broke the handle), car dash. But I hit my fist on a table while talking.
He got in my face to yell at me, physically put his body on me to make a point about love not leaving scars, and manually stopped me from hugging him with a press to my chest.
But I pushed him in his chest 3 times to get away from me when he followed me thru our building.
No accountability. I am always equally or more wrong than him.
No accountability. I am always equally or more wrong than him.
Couldn't agree more.
I was not in a physically abusive relationship, but I lost my cool and slapped him once when he totally humiliated me. Not my proudest moment, but it happened.
likewise, he lost his cool once... pushed me on the ground and I hit my head on the couch.
Both were isolated incidents... neither of us were/are physically abusive and this was not an issue in our relationshp.
When I did it, I found out A MONTH LATER that he called his mom because he was afraid I had anger issues and I was going to stab him in bed while he slept. When he did it, it was an accident.
This pretty much sums up the relationship. I am to blame and he's not.
didn't call me abusive....but made me feel it!
One night, i was crying for several hours, talking about our relationship and things he had done (i had been drinking so was over emotional). he told me to leave, and stupid me id didn't. he left for an hour. when he came back i was half asleep on the couch. he walked over to me and said "are you still here" anyways, he flipped and went into a RAGE like I had never seen. Finger in my face and called me stupid, hands waving in the air, face red, saying i don't want to see him mad, yelling at me to get the F out. I thought he was on drugs actually. i put my hand on his shoulder and he pushed me into the wall. then he called the police.
So yeah, I felt like I was abusive.
Yeah, he wrote to my lawyer a year after I left him saying "she was physically violent towards me"............duh, he was convicted a year before. He'd also forgotten that in a statement to court he'd been asked by social services if I'd done anything to him and his written down reply was "no, she was never violent towards me"...duh again..... They lie so much they get completely mixed up with what they've lied about. And to think he really believes he's so intelligent.... so deluded I'd say.
One week before I was scheduled to move out of the marital home, N came in & was "fragmented & disorganized" as these Ns get when you leave them. He apparently was getting his boss involved, said he had explained that he needed time off from work to be with his wife, me. I said, "Back off. Leave me alone. Or else I will tell your boss everything you have done to me."
With that, he packed a little bag. Said I was "abusive." Went & stayed with a friend until I left. He came by at least 3x a day to stake his claim on the house so I did not take exclusive possession & to drive me crazy.
Also, that your's is a therapist does not surprise me. Mine was a philosophy professor & really into reading psychology. These types are very, very dangerous & manipulative. They use "normal" psychology to manipulate the victim. Mine would be silent for 3 days at a time to punish me. He was "flooded"--jargon for too upset, cooling down, being "flooded" lasts approx. 1-3 hours, NOT days. But, if I walked away from one of his verbal harangues, if I refused to engage, I was "stonewalling" & destroying our marriage--a la Gottman, the Four Horseman fame of what destroys a marriage. MINDF**K.
You have children? If you are divorced why are you all in contact?
My ex-P accused me of being a narcissist (later, he claimed that it was meant to be taken as a compliment), that I "discomfited" him (by telling the truth), that I needed to "manage my feelings",that I was evil, imposing on him, that I was embarrassing myself, the whole 9 yards. During the D&D, I was constantly apologizing, even when I was the one in tears. When I told him I loved him, he said he was offended, disappointed. He said that I "baffled him constantly"--when it was HIS behavior that left my classmates and I on edge. He'd say he was afraid of me.
Yes, during class discussions, my ex-P professor would say "You're scaring me" whenever I spoke with emotion.
I'd be asking him, "Why are you angry? What did I do to make you angry?" He DENIED that he was angry (one of the basic emotions of psychopaths-other than fear)
I told him point blank that I fessed up to my own mistakes and took responsibility--but why did I have to take ALL the blame? Shouldering all the blame got tiring. And the constant negativity.
My ex told everyone we broke up because I yelled at him. He told his mom I had anger issues and that he was afraid I was going to abuse him. I felt humiliated for such a long time.
I'm not sure in this case if it was projection... a smear campaign... or a little of both.
ALL THE TIME!!! When I met my N 11 yrs ago, he explained to me that his first wife was SO abusive. This man is 6'4. During our 10 yr marriage, the only way I survived and came out remotely intact is by STANDING UP FOR MYSELF. His abuse made me retaliate. Did that make me abusive? Probably sometimes. I was being attacked by what I describe, a wild animal. He wasn't even human. I told him I would not tolerate his BS. You don't say that to a N. You don't call them on anything. Well, I did and that didn't go over well. So, if you are retaliating, he is veiwing that as abuse. Only what you are doing is so human to survival. Hope that helps.
oh yes. I told him he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and he turned it around and told me I was cause all I ever did was #itch. I never believed him and nor should you. Narcs are master manipulators and projectors.
He was def a master manipulator and projectionist! The scary thing about all of this...he is a...get this people....a MARITAL THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been 20 days NC now (we divorced in Jan 2010 yet he pushed/pulled and I of course believed he would change)and I have never in my life been so confused and saddened by someone who professed (words, not action) to be so loving! He constantly accused me of being abusive (he was a master at gaslighting as well!)and would loeave me confused and wondering if I was the worst person alive. He typically accused me of this when I was defending myself against he attacks all the while accusing me of attacking him. I was a very strong independent woman before I met him, not what one would consider weak at all so it was hard for me to take this Narcissistic piece of crap lying down and so yes I defended self but was not what you would call abusive. No one in my whole life, escept for him, has ever called me abusive. Now I am trying to build myself back up and I know that every day NC is a victory for me. I feel him hovering around as his past actions have been to "pop" back up 3 weeks out yet I think he is placing his fangs currently in another lovely girl yet when that falls apart I feel him calling/texting/emailing and I just hope to be strong enough to continue to IGNORE him like he has me sooooooo many times!
Mine also told me that he was "afraid" of me and the running joke with my friends was me looking at them and saying "boo"......that is how scary I am...not at all........!
I get it in his emails---"you are delusional"... "you need to get over the divorce & move on" ...." you must talk to me"
He filed, he wanted it.
People that know both of us--know he is the angry one. I was always considered the "angel who put up with the devil". Folks that beleive his smear campaign have never met you. And if they do meet you, they will be confused as you will not fit his description.
And I chose NC---except for business matters regarding our child.
Today we had an email xchange regarding child's ice skating lesson. He would have to het her skate bag to me. I suggested that he bring it to her summer camp in the morning & I would get it when I picked her up that afternoon.
OH NNOOOOOO!!!
He insisted that he "drop it by the house when he knew
I would be there."
Yes! All the time! And now he is capitalizing on it and literally crying to everyone that will listen, that he is SOOO depressed and sad over our break-up. I just wonder, are his friends telling him to "get over it"?
Over and Over
wow... you described my
OMG!
sort of
So True!
didn't call me
Not exactly abusive
Yeah, he wrote to my lawyer
Ending the dance
Abuse Projection
It was projection all the time...
Yes
Anger Issues
projection
gigi9
Yes!
geez.........
projection
Yes! All the time! And now