The ultimate letter from a Narc

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#1 Oct 20 - 1PM

ssm

The ultimate letter from a Narc

I was looking through old emails, and this is a letter from back in 2008, when I tried to leave (for the millionth time) , now I feel sick inside when I read these words. I can now see between the lines, of this fake crap. This is a man, that completely acts NOW like I do not exist after the last D&D. This is the type of words that kept me hooked...Seriously sick shit.

Hi XXXX,
i dont know what to say, but i will start out with i love you. and also that im sorry for the things that i said the other day to you...they were very mean and i dont know why my anger gets to me so bad sometimes...especially with you. You are the only one that affects me like that, (it may sound like a bad thing however you are the only one that ever makes me feel on top of the world and or good what so ever) its been a really hard 24 hours for me as im sure its been for you. my phone is dead and i havent been able to call or do anything with it. i woke up extemely late today and didnt have the motivation to do anything. i have been thinking a lot about everything and i hate it all...i miss you so much Sam..and i feel all of this killing me. i dont know how you are doing and well i havent asked either, but how are you doing? kinda a dumb question given the situation im sure but..i hope you went to villa la paz yesturday. i really want you to have and get your own place again so you can feel better in general. but besides that...my feelings...the horrible things that they are sometimes...i know i was wrong for saying the things that i did to you. i know you took a lot of things out of context and you took a lot of it wrong in ways that i was not saying it, but i still didnt act right in responce to it..calling you names and yelling and being such an asshole. i cant believe that i dont belong to you anymore and i try not to think too much about it cuz it makes me so depressed..and sad...all i have been is depressed and sad. i have to keep from crying all day just because everything reminds me of you.
We have been through so much and i cant believe this is what made this happen..everything i am is and belongs to you and i really really NEED (not just want) us to work this out...everytime we break up it kills me and i feel like dying every second i am away from you. i know you do not know this and think that i hate you, but its quite the opposite..i love you with all my heart SXXXXX. i DO trust you so much and im sorry for the way that i acted, regardless of my intentions (teasing you) i should have thought more about it, knowing that you were sick and probably wouldnt take to it well and further more not have reacted the way that i did. i am sorry for my words and actions...sometimes i dont blame you for wanting to leave all the time cuz i dont know what there is to stay for..some asshole that screams and gets all crazy...(sorry just coming down on myself) None of this makes me happy..being away from you, not being with you, not talking to you, any of that...NONE of it makes me the least bit happy and im falling back into a very cold lonely hole...one that is too familar in my life.
i dont know the purpose of this email, but its been killing me all day that i have not been able to talk to you...im scared of going outside and trying to use my phone cuz im scared that i would not have gotten anything from you and didnt think that my heart could take that. i've been sitting here at mikes house all day just trying to get by and doing things to make time go faster than the stand still that it has been all day. i think that im just giving you my feelings of how i have been and also...seeing if your feelings for me are still there.
i cant take this...all i want to do is be with you even if we do fight sometimes and get into arguements and break up all the time...it hurts when it happens and thats why i dont like when it does but i would do anything one millions times over and over again just to be yours...i miss you babygurl...i really do..im dying over here not with you and i just want us to be okay again..i miss holding you, i miss being able to just tell you i love you, and i miss anything that is good, cuz all good things in my life have come from you. i dont know how much of my feelings you will believe, but i think it worked when you told me to just share them with you..they are my present to you to know and maybe one day trust.

i...am...so...scared of not being with you....you seriously have been and still are everything to me...im crying right now just thinking about it....i dont know what im going to do without you XXXX. I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU SOOOO BAD...

I am crying all over myself and the keyboard..im going to cut this off now and im sorry for rambling..these are my true feelings and i wont even read it over and edit anything. they are raw and came out the way i felt them. hopefully their are no typos or things that can be misleading, but seriously...if you dont believe any of the above text..just know that i miss you babygurl....

~Together or Apart....I will ALWAYS be only yours~
Your Babyboi XXXXX
PS:i hope that i made sense in the things that i said..if you dont understand something feel free to ask and i'll correct it or explain it better. i love you Sami babe...i need you so bad...please dont give up on us....there has to be a way that we can work this out and just be happy together again...

PSS: im sorry im such an asshole...im sorry i said mean things to you....just know that i dont hate you and i miss you and love you with all my heart mind body and soul...out of those 4 things...none of them are well without you...my mind is going crazy and in circles, my body is more sick and aches, my soul feels ripped apart and my heart...is hanging on a string of hope that everything will be okay...I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i love you so much damnit...

#2 Oct 20 - 2PM

needing2know

You know this letter

You know this letter triggered me, when my exN would D&D me I would write him E-mails telling him I loved him and I was sorry and I missed him and I was crying and upset, this makes me wonder if I AM the real Narc, here. :( Now I am wondering if it really was all me.

#3 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

la.luna

Needing

I have that fear ALL THE TIME! I don't know how to manage it. I get anxiety attacks over it sometimes.

#4 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

ssm

OhNOOOOO needing2know

You are not a narc at all! Even questioning if you are one is a sign you are not one. I TOO have many letters of pouring out my heart like this. He was mirroring what I wanted to hear ;) Its clever, well so they think, difference is you were SINCERE with your loving words, he was not. This is an example of a badly scripted act. *HUGS*

#5 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

needing2know

he would e-mail me back and

he would e-mail me back and tell me he would never let it get to a place where he had bad feeling towards me because I had been through so much with him that only a true friend would have done Those things I did for him. I was with this guy for7 yrs and he could only call me a friend, and tell me he had alot of conflict in HIS heart! I know over the course of the relationship yes I did become a royal bitch! HE MADE ME THAT WAY! My kids even told me I started to SOUND like him! That's when I started to wake up and pull away from him , I do not want to be like a Narc. It is just not in me. But we do start to mirror them assholes! He would tell me in the responding e-mail that he knew he did some things wrong, but NEVER would say what they are OMG I JUST WANT TO BLOW HIS ASS UP!

#6 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

Froglegs

Doubtful. I wrote the same

Doubtful. I wrote the same types of letters to XN after the D&D. Remember, Ns are excellent at mirroring. They know how we feel because we tell them before the D&D so they know exactly what to say in order to tug at our heartstrings. Perhaps you picked up some N traits in order to function around your N (I did, too), but they will go away as you heal. *hug*

#7 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

spinning

N2k and FrogL, this breaks my heart!

Please do not mistake our pleas to the disordered ones to not reject us; to stop the silent treatment; to make some showing that we meant something in their lives as narc-ish behavior. It is not. It is the desperation we feel when they go silent, disappear, vanish or D & D for some reason we know nothing about. At least that's how it was in my case. The disordered freak boy I was with would go silent for days and I would have no clue as to what *I* did to cause such punishment. Of course, I was always thinking it was *my* fault because that was the CONDITIONED RESPONSE. That was the message he was sending me. If I was "good" I wouldn't get punished with ST or vanishing. The trouble is, I never was quite "good enough!" The rules were always changing. That would be when I would call him and leave pathetic, sobbing, pleading messages "please just talk to me baby and tell me what I did wrong," etc. etc. etc. puke! NEVER AGAIN! Please, N2K, don't take this on that you may have been the N! That is NOT TRUE!!! You were just trying to show a man who you thought you loved and loved you that you were willing to overlook, move past, apologize, LOVE HIM MORE or whatever if he would just acknowledge your presence. IT'S THE CONDITIONING OF THE RELATIONSHIP! Now you know it was never you. You could never have lived up to whatever impossible and ever-changing standards the disordered ones create! DON'T TAKE IT ON! You have done so well changing the pattern and that has been hard. What you are feeling now about this letter is just part of the OLD PATTERN! It's not you! IT'S THEM!!! Hugs and peace of mind to all my sisters and brothers in recovery, (determined to never again be) spinning. REGARDLESS OF WHAT IS THROWN IN MY PATH!

spinning

#8 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #16)

needing2know

spinning

Everything you just wrote is what I did and went through to T I guess even though I am 3 months out and I know what he is and how the mirror and all the other stuff, i still blame myself and I still think it was all me, but I know in my HEART it is NOT ME so why the hell do I still feel like i t is my fault, this is stupid and I know better, he is my 7th narc of god sake, you think I would get it by now! But he is different from the others , he played some serious mind games! the other did not. I would rather be beaten black and blue then deal with this emotional BS, and least the bruises go away!

#9 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

spinning

yes, n2K, I hear you...

...I was mindf*%ked by a master. Truly. I still scratch my head some days as to why I stayed in it and why I thought I "needed him" so much. I now know his brainwashing was a slow, insidious poison he gave me drip by drip and after years of exposure (six in all) I didn't even know it had been happening until the damage was way done. At this point in my recovery, I recognize that he actually LIKED to see me off kilter and in pain. That was when I was most vulnerable and pliable. That's part of the brainwashing to make me feel so bad about myself then he could be the one to "lift me up" when he thought I'd been punished enough or when he needed sexual supply. When I began shutting down and became more zombie-like (it was as if nothing he did phased me any more. I was dead inside) he started to use terror. Never in my entire life did I ever dream I would be with a man who would raise a hand to me, much less put his hands around my collar hard enough to leave a ligature mark that lasted for days. Like you say, that mark faded a lot quicker than the complete HEADF**K debris he left in his wake. Chaos, confusion and destruction everywhere. But guess what! Like you I muddled through it one minute, one step at a time. I WILL NEVER GO BACK THERE! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to vent a little here! I can't believe all that came out!! Hugs from, (determined to never again be) spinning. NO WAY!

spinning

#10 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

needing2know

I hope they go away because I

I hope they go away because I feel really stupid right now for ever sending him e-mails telling him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for hurting HIM! He hurt ME! But I always sent the e-mails, this is not going to be a good day for me first one in a long time

#11 Oct 20 - 1PM

spinning

Ssm, I hope you

have a book of matches. I'd love to see this go up in flames. Liars, manipulators, users, losers. All of them. YUCK! Burn baby burn! Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. REGARDLESS OF WHAT'S THROWN IN MY PATH!

spinning

#12 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #11)

Hunter

Spinnings got the matches

Spinnings got the matches I'll provid the gas.. Up in smoke.. Hunter

#13 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

ssm

fire!!

Girl you read my mind, I actually am this weekend collecting everything he wrote, cards , letters..etc. And BURNING THEM!! Its funny, I just noticed a BIG lie in this email. He said earlier in th email his phone was dead, but then he said he couldnt go outside to check his phone and afraid he would get nothing from me. Wow these assholes, dont know their head from their asses. Lie on top of lie. And sadly my perception was so severed by this point I didnt even see this. I think I am looking at these for clarity, peace of mind..that I am not the crazy one. BAD ACTING!!! No oscar for you narky boy! *HUGS*

#14 Oct 20 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

Amiee

Liars, Liars

Their reality is so off!!! The letter disgusted me. To me it kept blaming you for his horrible behavior. Thats what they do, blame us for them being assholes. Getting rid of all of there stuff, I threw most of it away and gave a few things to shelter. It really made me feel better!

#15 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

Froglegs

Burning is GOOD! You may bawl

Burning is GOOD! You may bawl your eyes out as you watch everything get consumed by the flames, but when it's done you may be suprised at the feeling that emerges. ;)

#16 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

spinning

Ssm,, it took me a while

to burn the crap but when I did, it was so empowering. I even saved the ashes for a while (outside in a plastic bag) to keep the visual in my head that I would rise out of those ashes. When I tossed all the stuff he left at my house when he vanished (clothes, shoes, CDs, books, etc.) I took a photo of the stuff in my garbage can. It was a momentus occasion...it took me several months to get there but I did. I am at almost 12 months NC and have, indeed, risen. I still struggle to keep rising but one thing's for sure, the sick MF'er will not take me down. He tried to destroy me but it didn't work. Hopefully I'll get to the point where I won't have to call him names any more either! :) Hugs right back at you. You are doing great on NC. Stay strong and keep working through it. Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. REGARDLESS OF WHAT IS THROWN INTO MY PATH.

spinning

#17 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

ssm

stuff

yes, i am sitting here with 8 years worth of cards..letters.etc from him, waiting to burn it all! Its hard, it feels heartwrenching to kniw all these beautiful lies will go up in smoke. BUT..I am inspired , I think i will save some of the ashes too, for a reminder to never get played like this again! i have all his crap in my garage, he hasnt bothered to ask for any of it. Some of the stuff is not even his, like his sisters bike is here! I dont even want to go near his mommys house. i dont know what to do with all this shit. I may throw it all away, but I feel like such a bad person for that. I have one of his baby pics, i was thinking about saving it, maybe just to look at such a beautiful soul that was destroyed by a narc mommy. Its such a sad targedy, my heart hurts for us all and these lost souls. I dont have the heart to burn his baby pic, but everything else will go!! This is terrible, I never been in this situation where I just didnt know what to do with all the crap he left me here with, he deleted his email today, I noticed it was gone. Its funny, i was going to do that- guess he has his new supply waiting in the wings. Its also funny how he owns 7 diff emails, he kept changing his email through the years saying he kept forgetting the passwords..but I think he plays all these games and had diff women for diff emails..just a guess. It all sickens me so much! *HUGS BACK*

#18 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

spinning

I know the gut wrenching

that goes along with the "stuff." Initially I gathered it all up and put it outside. It got rained on, snowed on, leaves blown on, etc. before I could actually toss it in the trash. I did it at the 8 month NC mark (it really took me a while...but I didn't rush it because I knew I didn't have to DO ANYTHING if I didn't want to.) One reason I hung on for so long is I was toying with using it in a revenge plot I had cooked up. But I sat on that, too, knowing that would just give him supply. Even negative supply is supply and this freak isn't going to get another ounce from me. Finally I felt comfortable with the tossing it to the curb scenario, though it was difficult because it is unlike me to toss out things that aren't ruined or are still useful, much less someone else's stuff. Just a few weeks ago I learn he has reappeared in the area and I actually thought for a minute "oh what if he wants his stuff" but then I dismissed it. I will never know because I WILL NEVER BREAK NC. He can talk to the wind. Wow, I guess I'm in a mood to "get it out" again. Thanks for the opportunity. this thread has triggered me a bit, but in a good way. Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. NO WAY

spinning

#19 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

Froglegs

You wouldn't be a bad person

You wouldn't be a bad person if you threw the stuff away or donated it (tax write off, baby!). It's just stuff. It's a big step and you'll make a decision that is correct for YOU when you are ready.

#20 Oct 20 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

Redhead1

Adele has a song on her new

Adele has a song on her new CD, I Set Fire to the Rain. Since you are into fires at the moment, Youtube it. At times, I had so much trouble putting together what I was feeling. Adele's new CD is over the top and help me in so many ways. That young lady is wise beyond her years. I have listen from start to finish and I never get tired of her beautiful voice and soulful lyrics. I think she was narked and knows it because the lyrics are something us forum members could have written.

#21 Oct 20 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Gravity

Adele

I cannot even tell you how many times I have blasted "set fire to the rain" on repeat in the car sobbing. SO much needed and cathartic. Her whole CD is unbelievable

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