Trying to get away.....forever

This week would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. I have been divorced since 2008 from a very honorable,loyal man that lacked emotional connections. We have 3 daughters and after the death of my father, the marriage crumbled. I had an affair with a childhood friend and eventually left the marriage. The affair ended when I realized he would never leave his wife and I was one of many of his affairs. My emotional, physical and mental health was a mess. I then reconnected with a high school friend and started what I thought was a good thing. He had commitment issues. That is when I met the N. Red flags were everywhere. My gut told me to run but I was going to "help him". Being a highly sensitive person, I was the perfect prey. He was in trouble in every aspect of his life, legally, financially, morally...you name it. He portrayed himself as the victim in every situation and I fell right in. He is also an alcoholic and drug user which I have come to learn is a typical symptom of a N. He hates himself. But his undeniable good looks and charming personality swooned me into a fog that lasted over 3 years. Thank God we weren't married or have children together. Being with a N is like chasing a carrot on the stick. You run circles and allow them to consume your life, never getting the reward of a supportive loving partner. I took attention away from my beautiful children to make him "better". All the while he always had another woman on the side. There were too many to count. I drank away my sadness and guilt and became a shell of the person I once was. I found myself alienating my friends and family. I was drowning. I once read being with a N is like putting a frog in warm water, slowly turning up the heat, the frog will remain calm and as the heat increases, he will not fight to survive, he will submit. I stayed in the hopes of better days. I know now that was never to be. He moved out on me at my worst. I was so sick from the abuse and betrayals and self medicating, I had to be committed. He was in another relationship within weeks. He had shared my home, car, children and life for over 3 years. I did what every victim does, questioned myself. He would throw me crumbs and I gobbled them right up in the hopes of gaining SOME return for my investment in him. But he is not capable. He is a bottomless pit of need. Now that I have him pegged, he has moved on. After all, if he owns it, he would have to deal with it. I am learning here and through intense research just how addictive that relationship was. The no contact is an absolute necessity. They prey on your weakness and kind heart. Any window of opportunity you give them, they will take and rob you of your sanity, judgement and self worth. The biggest challenge is finding myself. I have been in this dark hole of torture for so long, I have no idea when I will regain my strength and confidence. Every moment of the day I struggle with the idea that my brain is 100% on board with staying away, yet my heart and soul are broken and sad missing the bits and pieces of fun and affection. I hope this site, support of my friends and family and reminding myself of the pain and toxicity of that relationship will help me find peace, comfort and emotional health.