Truth..

Ok.. My truth is I broke NC.. again.. I have lost count now. After 9 days..I texted him..late Friday..there were texts back and forth most of the weekend so my plan of staying busy? Epic fail! I can say that the 9 days NC have cleared my head a LOT though.. I could clearly see the things he was saying were so strange.. He was just blaming me for everything.. even HIS drug use, then saying he has apologized 1,000,000 times ??? That never happened.. He NEVER apologizes for ANYTHING. It was like he was trying to convince me that my reality of our marriage was wrong..He did ask me to go over to his apartment many times and truth? I did NOT go. It has been over a month since I have seen him. Because while I did miss him and did want to talk to him .. Well the urge to actually see him is pretty much gone. Conversations ended when BAM he abruptly accused me of being out to "get him"?? Out of NOWHERE he just starting saying I don't trust you , I don't want to talk to u ever again..this is over, The past 5 yrs have destroyed HIM.. Etc. I AM still waiting for divorce date. I dont know WHY I broke NC, I so regret it.. I was doing so well.. Darn PMS maybe? I spent weekend in my jammies .. Crying over Kramer vs. Kramer.. SIGH. Normally after breaking NC I stick around and dont say much out of shame and a little bit of not wanting to be reprimanded. I will never ever stop trying.. I do read, I do go to therapy, I do post here. I really reallly regret throwing my 9 days away. Back to day 1!