Trusting my taste

Mine never critized my tastes, quite the opposite. Probably because our tastes were the same. That was one of the things he told me that was different from him and his ex-w. She made him dress all preppy and I preferred more city chic. He was sooo complimentary in the beginning and then as soon as things went south all of the compliments stopped and no matter what I did it never made it any better. I have read that these guys are stuck in the romantic phase of a relationship and as soon as that ends, and reality sets in, they go looking for that romance again with someone else. Mine found it in a girl 17 years younger than he is. Boy is she in for a rude awakening!

I know this all to well Scoop. Living life constantly on shaking ground and never trusting your own judgment for fear of disapproval. Well i can assure you honey, i have all the up most faith in your decisions. In fact, your ability to make sound choices was always there. Your Narc did everything he could to make you think otherwise and distroy that but thats over now. Trust and have faith in yourself. I know what ever your choices are they will be what is right and good for you. I would love to see what you pick out....im sure it will be perfect! only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

I think I may have had one bf who wasn't a narc, and with my upbringing, my taste hasn't had much of a voice over the years. Even when people would come into my house and say how much they like it, I'd always denigrate it because I thought it wasn't what I SHOULD like. Ridiculous. On the other hand, I recognize now that I do have somewhat expensive taste and when making a decision about something I have to live with every day, I don't want to get stuck with something I get sick of quickly. That's just practical. You rock with a boat, that is so great--this may be something as simple as not wanting to mar the rest of your experience with it by decorating it in a way you might tire of soon. I'd also suggest no mustard-color anywhere! ;-)

Once again first off, I am so freaking proud of you and your BOAT for god's sake. You are too cool for words! Ugh. EVERYTHING I did was about whether he was going to like it. If he was coming to dinner, it had to be a gourmet, Food Network feast. If he wasn't it was Hamburger Helper. If He was coming for cocktails it was his brand of vodka, otherwise whatever was on sale. Everything I wore was to please him, everything I listened to was to please him, everything I talked aobut was to try to interest him. He never ever criticized anything, but I was always on the offensive about it, dreading the day when he might. He always used to come over to my house and say, "It's so beautiful here. You have such a knack for decorating." But whenever I chose lighting or paint or anything else for "our new house" he hemmed and hawed and installed something else behind my back. Gee, now I know why!" I will never forget last spring, the day my daughters and I were leaving for New Orleans. He came over to say goodbye and have a drink and I was wearing this very pretty lace dress which I'd had many compliments on. He looked me up and down and said, "Is that what you're wearing?" And then he said, "I like some of your other dresses better." Well, you would think he had said I had three boobs, I was so upset. I actualy burst into tears! Now I think, Who gives a crap what anyone thinks of my dress? I remember that book, "Men Who Love Bitches," which was the first book I read when I thought it was ME that was the problem. It talked about this: If a man says he doesn't like what you're wearing, say: "Ok. Next time I wear it I'll make sure I don't see you that day!" Scoop, it will all come back to you. It helps me to think about myself at a certain time of my life, before all of this, when I was in grad school, discovering the subjects I like, doing the things I like because I didn't have kids yet, spending time where I liked, and dressing MY way and decorating MY own apartment. I kind of channel that girl, you know? It does help a bit. I'm sure your boat is going to be fantastic. If you aren't sure of yourself yet, just have a friend with good taste that you like help maybe right now, with the basics, until you get your footing back.

What makes you happy? I've been designing spaces for people for more than 25 years and it is always a matter of what makes them happy. I surround myself with what makes me happy and that is all that matters. I am comfortable, I love it and I am happy as a clam. What else matters? But if it's you goal to impress, hire a professional. God knows we need the business.

I think it's super important to realize that he would have criticized your choices NO MATTER WHAT YOU CHOSE. It had nothing to do with what you chose. It was just an abuse and control tactic. If you picked black, he'd say white, and vice versa. For one thing, THEY are the ones who don't have a personality or a style or taste. They simply absorb other people's. So you could have picked ANY dress in the store, any duvet, anything at all, and he'd criticize it to hurt you. Their criticism has no meaning. Just like their compliments.

I did the exact same thing!! I would go into such a complete and utter DITHER. My taste and choices were systematically crushed out of existence, it was too much work to have an actual SELF. I go through fits and spurts, still (three years later!!). I just have literally forced myself to choose. Forced. Headlong into it. Telling myself that my reluctance and fear is a bunch of bullshit and I got rid of HIM and don't need to rent free space to his nonsense in my head. Don't give it any "power". Like Lisa describes with managing obsessive thoughts, counteract them with indifference, and "Oh, shut the hell up" or whatever works for you. It won't stop them altogether, at first. YOu have to work new grooves into your brain that override your brainwashing/conditioning. It's not easy work, but it's very doable. Just effort and self talk, "undoing" a bunch of total bullshit and getting on with your life :) Your new boat is symbolic of your new life. It is a perfect place to practise a new way of thinking. The stuff I choose now is so much more MINE than what I chose before the exNarc ever came in and fcked with my life. I have a new appreciation for what is "mine" and "my choice". Like I appreciate it more. Hope that makes sense! It's worth the work, I promise :)

My ex-P was ALWAYS critiquing my food/portion size. He'd give weirded out looks and say things like "you're eating THAT?" He always mocked what I had for lunch when we went out to lunch together... but he never really told me what his tastes were. He'd tell me I'd get fat if my meals were certain portion sizes. He had ways of making me lose my appetite... then command me "eat your food." Nothing could please him. He'd always bash the concerts/lectures we went to together. Couldn't find anything positive about them. He claimed he liked jazz... but he never really talked about music. It's not so much that his tastes governed my own, but his lack of taste(?) left me baffled. It's like telling someone "I don't like your route" but then not giving them a map to show them the alternative. In the past 8 years, I realize how fortunate I am that I can make choices on my own. I no longer have to fear disapproval. I can eat weird things like raw vegan food at Cafe Gratitude and ENJOY it. I can savor exotic food at home without the fear that I'll be drubbed on it. I no longer have that running commentary... thank God!