Trouble with memories

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#1 Mar 2 - 4PM
moviegal
moviegal's picture

Trouble with memories

I have been very good about the No Contact for almost a month now. Things in that respect have been going well. He has either figured out he has been blocked and is angry OR he just doesn't care. But, that doesn't matter. Separating myself from any contact has been good. It has allowed me to move forward. I do not desire to speak to him, look at any pictures, or have anything to do with him. But, memories of negative things that have happened keep coming back. And that, is where the current issue lies...
I was watching "Sleeping with the Enemy" -- it was just on TV when I was flipping through the channels. The part where Julia Roberts was hit and then her husband apologizes with a gift and then has sex with her. Seeing her face during the act (when he isn't looking) explains it all. It describes my feelings during the memory I had. I was also watching another show where one of the characters was having a severe emotional reaction from a brain injury. My Narcissist had surgery removing a tumor from a part of his brain. He mentioned this all the time... The emotional reaction reminded me of a reaction he had...
This was a long distance romance. He "hooked" me in when we got to know each other through calls and Skype. We fell in love getting to know one another (at least I thought so - now I know better - the person I fell in love with doesn't exist). Then he came to stay with me for awhile. Things were wonderful at first. Then the real him came out... the criticism, being inconsiderate, bossy, talking about how he did not believe in marriage (after he told me differently before)... then, this happened:
One evening I made an effort to make him a nice home cooked meal, we had pleasant conversation, snuggled on the couch together watching a movie, had a glass of wine with dinner and made love. In the middle of the night, he woke up violently next to me and then tried to smother me with a pillow. I managed to get loose and escape onto the floor (and yes, we were both completely naked). He then rolled on top of me and put me into a "full nelson" hold. You might have to look that up on the internet. I couldn't escape. I was screaming, crying trying to get loose, but he hooked his legs around mine. He kept asking me why I was trying to attack him. I reminded him where he was, who I was, what my name was and so on... He kept avoiding and ignoring what I said. Eventually, I convinced him to let me loose. That I had to go to work in a few hours. That my friends at work knew he was there with me and they would worry and come to find me if I did not go in or call. After he let me loose, he gave me space for a few minutes and then had sex with me. I was so afraid, that I just let him...
I was a fool for not ending it there. I was scared, and hooked in. He blamed it on the wine we had the night before and his brain injury. He continued to buy me some small gifts and express his love to keep me hooked. Its only after I went to see him that I saw things were not going to change.
He made a point to show me weapons he kept at his home to defend himself. To show me security cameras that he used to make sure no one was going to break in... There were many behaviors he had when I was there that reinforced how he was narcissistic and abusive (grabbing the wheel when I was driving, yelling at me when I drove, telling me I needed to listen). I stuck it out because I was afraid. Then I left...
When I came home and walked in my front door, I was so relieved. It felt so good to be home. Since then, I have been seeing a counselor and talking to a few friends. I have not gone into this much detail with any of them, because I think they will just tell me I was crazy for staying... But they don't understand how fear and being "hooked" into a narcissistic relationship can be paralyzing.
I am just feeling strong enough to process these memories now, and it does hurt. I am really writing this to get it off of my chest and tell someone the WHOLE story.... Thank you for listening. Every day, now I wake up thanking GOD that he showed me the strength to pull myself through this and how lucky I am to get past those nasty situations. I want to make something of my life and not waste this chance that I am given...

Mar 3 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Wow, moviegal...

spinning

Mar 3 - 2AM
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

God they are such abusive