TRIGGERS! A long-winded post.

I need to SCREAM a little bit!!! So, forgive me, for what's about to come out. If it doesn't come out, I'm going to take it out on myself, and that's not a very smart idea. I know that. I've come too far, to revert to that again. I can't do that, it does no good.

I was fine, I was doing just fine! I gained more independence, have been keeping up with an exercise routine, been feeling nice and even. Until, this morning. I walked into a woman who's a dead ringer for the girl I had been triangulated with, for so long! To be clear, it was not actually her. But, in a side by side comparison, I think anybody would be hard-pressed to tell the difference between the two. All of a sudden, I saw red! Something in me SNAPPED! I lost my shit.

To make matters worse, my dog, was about to have her dog for breakfast! In the midst of trying to explain, that I've been totally inadequate in socializing him, and coddled him, to the point of crippling his interactions with other dogs, I started having a panic attack! She stood there, looking confused, and beautiful. I just wanted to rip her fucking face apart! This total stranger. I got out of there as fast as I could, to try and contain myself, and brought my sweet baby inside.

Still on fire, I did something I never had the guts to do, previously. I had been too sentimental about it, until today. I grabbed the two cds N gave me a long while ago, and started STOMPING THEM ON THE CONCRETE!!! Bashing them up!!!! In my periphery, I noticed this guy, mowing his lawn, was staring at me, like I was a crazy person! He's right! I couldn't STOP! What pieces wouldn't break, I picked up, and smashed apart, with my bare hands. I can't believe, I finally got rid of them! My heart is still racing, and I'm trying to calm down, but there's a FLOOD of emotions going through me now.

All that time, of being told THEY WERE JUST FRIENDS! He was probably telling her the same shit about me, IF that motherfucker even told her about me at all! Which I fucking DOUBT! BUT WHO CARES!!!! That's irrelevant, I still played my part. ALL THAT FUCKING TIME!!!! All that time. And there this girl is... without a clue. I understand how people spontaneously combust now. I don't know if I'm going to laugh, cry, or break something! So, I'll just keep typing, instead.

In truth, the anger has been building in me, since last night. I was hoping to get in a little romance with my husband, a little closeness, last night. Since he's ALWAYS FUCKING BUSY. Seems like I'm forever waiting for just five minutes of his time, while he stares at a computer monitor. His working so much, is his way of avoiding things, in his own right. I get it, and I know he was forever waiting on his own mother, for scraps of attention, the same as I was always waiting on mine, and NOW am reliving this, WITH HIM! Anyway, he just was too burnt out, and tired, and whatever excuse was handy, last night. It's nothing new. He's had NO sexual desire, from the beginning, when we were 21 and 22. If we make love, once a month, it's a good month. That's enough for him. It gets to the point, where I'm SO PENT UP and feel undesireable and disconnected, that I get PISSED, and then it's like... it's done just to pacify me for another month. There are reasons for it, so I feel selfish even getting all worked up over it.

He was raped by his step-father, when he was a boy, and never told his mother. She was always preoccupied with work, leaving ample opportunity for the abuse to continue. Until, I guess, he reached a certain age, or whatever, and the old bastard wasn't interested anymore, and it finally stopped. It's sick, the three of them, sitting around the dinner table, his mother blissfully ignorant of anything! Thankfully, the son of a bitch is dead now. His mother still doesn't know, the man she was married to for 20 years was abusing her son. He's dead set against telling her, hurting her, and tainting her memories of the man, who's pictures she still has hanging up in her home. She's older now, and he doesn't want to pin that on her, knowing she's had her share of abusive exhusbands. It's fucked, but I don't have any control over that. I've held him when he needed it, and even when he doesn't. I've listened, and still do. I've been there, as best as I can. He at least knows now that it was never his fault, etc. I've done all I can do, but he has to want help. I can't make him get it. He's jaded from an abusive therapist, previously, and I can totally empathize with that. However, I was raped by my own cousin, when I was 8, and that doesn't hinder me from desiring him like nobody's fucking business!!! I haven't transferred that onto him! It doesn't stop me! So, sometimes, I have a hard time with his excuses, which is selfish on my part. I just get so angry, and take it personally. He is MY husband, after all. WTF is SO WRONG WITH ME?!

To fuck it up, even more, he's developed Pyronie's!! He's only 31, and the BEST local specialist there is here, could do virtually nothing for it. Nothing! He basically gave us vitamin E, and sent us home. He was shocked to see someone so young, with it. So, it's just a clusterfuck of everything, all lumped into one. Despite all this, we ARE very close. We have no problems communicating. Because we come from similar backgrounds, there's an understanding of what we've both been through. We lean on each other, we understand. He gets me in a way, I do not have to explain, and vice versa. We have long talks. We are intimate, emotionally. I'm sorry, but I feel like we're 89 years old! How is THIS my life?!?!

But I WANT MORE FOR US. I'm going INSANE, thinking we're running out of time to have a family! Although, I KNOW we have no right bringing little people into this. I want what we never had, growing up! I want us to be able to give that to our own family! I don't want the cycle to continue. I'm also feeling entirely selfish, and totally insane, internalizing all of this, and feeling TOTALLY UNDESIREABLE! Which is HOW the N was able to get one over on me IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND LIKELY HOW ANOTHER ONE WILL AT THIS RATE!!!!!

I have no issues getting gawking stares, and jaw drops, from all the wrong guys. All the wrong guys, but my husband! Who INSISTS that he loves me, that I'm beautiful, and that he DOES want me- but that he just doesn't know HOW to express it all the time. Sometimes he can, and sometimes he can't. So, it comes in the form of THINGS. A new car, a roof over our heads, anything and everything else, but physical closeness. WHICH I FUCKING LONG FOR. It's NOT ENOUGH. I don't give a flying fuck ABOUT THINGS!! I want my fucking HUSBAND! It's like PULLING TEETH just to get him to make-out with me! Yet, I have to beat other guys AND GIRLS off, with a stick! No matter what I wear, or how much make-up I put on, or what I do, or do not do- it does not make one bit of difference!!! Somedays, I feel like it doesn't even matter if I leave my bed, or not. Some days, I HAVEN'T! But within this past year, I have been doing a lot better. It's still not enough to make my own husband want me, in the same way I desire him.

The last time we attempted therapy, our therapist ended up CLIMBING THROUGH OUR DOGGIE DOOR TO GET INSIDE OF OUR HOME, WHEN WE WERE NOT THERE because she could not BARE TO BE AWAY FROM US! She couldn't WAIT, or COME BACK, when we were actually fucking HOME! She felt she had the RIGHT to be there! SHE EVEN ASKED TO LIVE WITH US! AND FUCKING CRIED WHEN I ADAMANTLY REFUSED!!!! This is a 65 yr old woman, for CRYING OUT LOUD! WTF does that say about therapy?! I'm BURNT OUT on trusting people who are supposed to HELP, and end up being MORE screwed up than WE ARE! The bat shit lady NOW lives across the STREET from my MOTHER IN LAW, because she BOUGHT HER A HOUSE there!!!!!!!!! Now she's a "part of the family." I feel like no matter which way I turn, I'm just fucked inside dysfunction.

You know, I'm DOING the work. That's what absolutely KILLS ME. I'm WORKING on myself. I'm making all the connections, to my past and my present. I'm getting OUT. I'm not staying inside, like I was. I don't beat myself up, as much as I used to. I'm breaking away from my co-dependent behaviors and doing things that prevent me from spiraling into depression, because I KNOW I'm prone to it. I'm TRYING, and I'm just burnt out. I know this is WAY beyond the bounds of the Narc Board, but I just need somebody to tell me I'm not crazy. Or fuck it, if I am nuts, put me away in a padded room already!!!!!

It's been a difficult day.