Trauma Bonding

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Briseis's picture
Trauma Bonding

This is a partial list of test questions (there are 144 of them) from this book.

I "stole" this from another forum (my original community) and though I don't have this book, I'm gonna get it. Just reading the Google excerpt was eye opening!

Trauma bonding is one of the ways that these relationships are so hard to break off, let go of, put to rest. It's why we get so frustrated with ourselves for NOT being able to let go. Understanding what a trauma bond is will begin the unraveling, and make a heckuva lot of sense of what makes no sense at all :)

Determine how many of the following statements apply to you:

[ ] I sometimes obsess about people who have hurt me and are now gone.
[ ] I try to be understood by those who are incapable or don't care for me.
[ ] I keep secrets for people who have hurt me.
[ ] I stayed in a conflict with someone when I could have walked away.
[ ] I go overboard to help people who have been destructive.
[ ] I sometimes help those who continue to harm me.
[ ] I feel loyal to people even though they have betrayed me.
[ ] I remain a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive.
[ ] I make repeated efforts to convince people who were destructive to me and not willing to listen.
[ ] I attempt to be liked by people who clearly are exploiting me.
[ ] I am attracted to untrustworthy people.
[ ] I trust people who have proved unreliable.
[ ] I seek people whom I know will cause me pain.
[ ] I have difficulty distancing myself from unhealthy relationships.
[ ] I continue to have contact with a person who has abused me.
[ ] I am in emotional fights (divorces, lawsuits) that seem endless.
[ ] There are certain people whom I always allow to take advantage of me.
[ ] There are some people in my life who are hard to get over, though they hurt or used me badly.

If your score is low (0-3), this is not an area of concern for you.
If your score is moderate (3-6), you should discuss with friends or a therapist what strategies would help you.
If your score is higher than six, this should be an area of intense focus for you. You may wish to discuss with a therapist a series of target activities to help you with these trauma patterns.

gettinbetter's picture
I just went to the link and
I just went to the link and read some pages of this book. This is what it all comes down to for me I think. The obsession I have with the Narc is not about the Narc at all its about me resolving the trauma I suffered all those years ago with him. I know many of you have read my posts that I feel like the whole thing is a puzzle that I have to work yet there is no solution becuase some of the pieces dont fit yet I keep trying to work the puzzle over and over again. Its like Im shouting bring me the puzzle I want to work the puzzle though everyone around me is saying sick of it you can work the puzzle there is no solution. Yet Im screaming bring me the puzzle damn it and everytime I text him that is exactly what I am doing trying to reenact the trauma so that I can solve it with a different outcome
Briseis's picture
Wow SOI, knowing what I know
Wow SOI, knowing what I know of your situation that really rings true. It sounds like anyone would be doing exactly what you are doing. There IS a solution to that puzzle. Make a big hot fire and throw the puzzle IN the fire. That will put it all together just right. I am really impressed, this is some huge insight. Don't we all just want to put this stuff right? Talk about a deep instinctual drive. You CAN put it right, but you have to put on right on your own, without him, without his involvement, without his input. That's just so counterintuitive, because it does appear it's between you and him. Except, in truth, there is no "him" at all, he's an empty shell. It's just you and you, and that's all it's ever been. The good news in that is you have complete and perfect CONTROL over "you and you". Maybe that's the lesson for you in all this SOI? You coming to know yourself as powerful?
gettinbetter's picture
Well Briseis I still not
Well Briseis I still not sure what the lesson for me in all of this is yet but I seem to be slowly putting it all together in fact I think it is coming for me slower than most but I did and do believe that from the first time I read about trauma bonding that this was the root of my problem and add in a splash of codependency. You see I never had a dysfunctional relationship like that before nor have I again so what has gone on between he and I was quite traumatic for me as a young girl. One incident in particular. I suffered a huge amount of CD and one incident in particular He and I never even spoke of again not even in a fight both of us just pretended it didnt happen. So it was the discussion of that that actually brought us back together. In my mind Im constantly trying to resolve that trauma and make it right plus it relieves some of the CD for me. I keep thinking no I can fix this yes I can and then everything will be ok. You have often heard me say I felt the need to conquer him but what I mean is I have a need to conquer this situation to resolove to get closure. I am addicted to trying to resolve and get the closure I so desperately crave. You see I too am a bit of a control freak (my codependency) I keep trying to control what happens with the Narc and me and the outcome yet Im never able to do it. This whole relationship and everything that went on is so counterintuitive to me that I keep feeling the urge to make it right and solve it. I would almost say its compulsive for me.
blueeyes's picture
A-ha, Sick of it, Briseis
Has a way of making you realize what IT really is that your not "over". I'm so glad you know exactly WHY you felt you wernt over him. You have some good/fun times ahead. First, it will be really tough to face issues, or old ghosts. But its so worth it. I'm happy for you today:)
Briseis's picture
Yeah, me too, I'm happy for
Yeah, me too, I'm happy for her today too :)
Ava's picture
Ah yes! This is an excellent book in my opinion!
I've it sat right here on my desk next to me & I definitely recommend it. Good aspects in my opinion: - its written by a man with expert knowledge in field of addiction & compulsion in relationships but who also started his research on betrayal bonding / trauma bonding because of his own personal experiences & attachments; he's "been there" so its not a distanced, outside approach or opinion to the subject; - he has a very compassionate approach; there is no blaming or pathologising the victim, he highlights how betrayal bonding is actually quite common & can happen to pretty much anyone given the "right" circumstances; - at the same time, the book can be quite confronting for us - which he recognises & points out - and he is realistic in realising & highlighting the difficulties & struggle to break betrayal bonds. But the book is full of positive reinforcement & hope - the "It Is Hard But You CAN Do It" approach; - it is All About Us - not just the abuser & why they do it but about US & why we get attached etc; - it is VERY insightful & can help take you right back to the roots of trauma bonding & causes for; I've had a stack of "Aha!" moments; - it is focused not only on understanding but on awareness, working through & recovery. The book is presented as a progressive work-book in a way; he takes you by the hand & leads you through each step towards recovery. He does advocate therapy & outside help for many situations & circumstances - but this is a book you can use at home to do a whole pile of understanding, healing & recovery work yourself. Great for hermits like me!! :) Ava xxx


gettinbetter's picture
me too
but most of my answers pertained to the narc. I discovered a few months back this was the root of my problem with be obsessed over the Narc
Happy1's picture
I scored much higher than a
I scored much higher than a 6 for sure. I guess I'm in need of some major therapy. Thank you for posting!