Trapped in fear

20 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 23 - 11PM

Jelickuk

Trapped in fear

After 4 weeks nc I fell for the tears and claims to still love me and him wanting to come back home. I met him and agreed to try then found out next day he had no intention of ending with his ow. Once again I walked away to a torrent of abuse and blame from him.

Now 2 days nc. He has already contacted his solicitor and claimed I am mentally and emotionally unstable.

I have gone into terror and also self blame.

Scared he will rake our children and my home and savings. We are still married and I have worked so hard to save and make a home whilst he just spent and did nothing.

He is very articulate and convincing.

Wish it were over.

Jelic

#2 Jun 24 - 9AM

Done sourcing

"He is very articulate and convincing."

... . You said... . "He is very articulate and convincing." Not if you're no contact. It is the source of all power, all freedom, all healing. I can't be convinced if I'm not listening. Articulation is meaningless with No contact, Cause you AIN'T listening. Done playing games, done listening, done waiting, done worrying, donesourcing, done giving supply, done hoping to make it all right with the N...They are the bogey man under the bed, look under the dust ruffle, go ahead, it's the wizard of oz, empty smoke...nc is the bucket of water on the Wicked Witch, I'm melting...I'm melting...Good riddance to rubbish!

#3 Jun 24 - 9AM (Reply to #19)

Jelickuk

So right...one day at a time

So right...one day at a time x

#4 Jun 24 - 9AM

michele115 (not verified)

Just like anything else...

You show fear to an animal, they will attack. Educate yourself and do what you have to do to protect yourself. Do not wait for the strike. Hugs!

#5 Jun 24 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

Susan32

Animals sensing fear

My family used to have a Pomeranian&a Wheaten Terrier... now they have another Pomeranian. I've spent MUCH of my life around dogs... and you show NO FEAR around a dog, regardless of it being a pit bull or a poodle. Dogs catch onto fear very easily. I was watching a cheesy show called "Celebrity Paranormal Project" last night, and one celeb rightly noted that ghosts sense fear... and when they do, they ATTACK. I guess with an N/P, depending on the case, it's a case of "don't wait for the strike, ambush." The ex-Psych prof counted on me being AFRAID of the next blow... that's how he had me trained. In the end, I learned the pre-emptive strike. Towards the end, after the final D&D, did he not know my perspective (duh, he lacked empathy), but when he got ridiculed in the senior skit... it took him as TOTAL SURPRISE ATTACK. With him... I learned not to wait for the strike... but to land the first one. If an N/P can't predict your reactions, they are putty in your hands, because they don't know what's coming next.

#6 Jun 24 - 9AM (Reply to #16)

michele115 (not verified)

THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT

You engage in what I guess I'm terming a COVERT Pre-emptive strike which means you gather all your resources and you make sure he can't do too much damage. You play Mickey the dope...you let him think you're intimidated but don't feel fear. Sometimes when we give into the energy of fear then we bring that onto ourselves... You have to psych yourself up and see this person as the POS he is and that really any power he has over you is imagined. It may feel that way and you can't control how far or how much he'll try to get to you but you can PLAN that is within your control for any possible oncoming attacks. Get your hands on The Art of War, browse through it, there is wisdom I think many victims can get from it...it's considered more a Narc's thing but if you think about it in order to subdue an enemy you have to have the mindset to think like him... Hugs!

#7 Jun 24 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

"Know your enemy"

Giving into the energy of fear is so debilitating. It's no way to live. "The Art of War" is kinda ironic, because everybody knows Sun Tzu's "Know your enemy." Ns/Ps don't really know us. They know their illusions about us... they see us as roles, concepts, as the Madonna, the whore, the slut, the student... but they REALLY don't know us. After the final D&D, one of my friends said, "Mr. T--- didn't know the REAL YOU." Wow. It was wisdom right there. My friend was trying to console me with that... and now I realize how right he really was. The ex-P didn't reject the REAL ME. He didn't know the REAL ME. He was too self-absorbed to know the REAL ME. He saw me as Sofia Tolstoy, as Natasha, Sonya, Helene, Princess Maria (fictional characters in "War and Peace" WTF?? I envy those compared to ex-wives/ex-girlfriends because at least they're REAL) He couldn't see me beyond the role he cast me in his head. He EPIC FAIL'd the "know your enemy." The ex-P saw me as a character in a Tolstoy novel... not as a real person who could fall in love with him, care about him, and play a major prank on him. Ns/Ps know our weaknesses, our qualities... yet they don't know us. The fact they don't know us makes THEM incredibly vulnerable, in a twisted way. Especially when it comes to their deep-seated fear of losing control.

#8 Jun 24 - 1AM

Littleone

I'm in a similar position. I

I'm in a similar position. I have a child with mine too and we've been separated for 3 months. When I found out about his disorder (mainly sociopathic) I was terrified about what he would do to me. And while he did try some classic hovering and did some nasty things it was nowhere near the scale of what I thought he would do! Have you sought legal advice yet? I found this to be enormously helpful to me. It cleared up what my rights were and if I needed to put any precautions in place. Personally I always imagined the worse case senario but he fell far below the bar. Pathetic actually. He had snarled in my face that he would hunt me down and kill me if I ever took his child away from him. Well I've pretty much done that and for all his talk I've had nasty weird text messages, he sold and withheld some property. He banned me from the house etc, but I've got a legal right to it so no biggie. Oh and he's smeared my name to people who don't really count anyway. If that's all he has to throw at me- bring it on!! They are usually to lazy and mostly all talk anyway. Stay true to yourself and your kids. Legally protect yourself etc and you'll be fine!

#9 Jun 24 - 12AM

Done sourcing

You have power

I'll bet you don't know how much power you have right now. He is bluffing about the solicitor, bet you money. He is playing power and control, lies and deception.

#10 Jun 24 - 1AM (Reply to #2)

Jelickuk

I wish he were bluffing but

I wish he were bluffing but my solicitor has been contacted by his and a letterr sent to me. But usually he does just bluff and is lazy. I just hope he gives up. He is very resentful and angry that I have the marital home...even though I bought it!And wants his pound of flesh. He is playing martyr now and I am the wicked bitch who is preventing him seeing his children who he claims to adore...he forgets he couldn't be bothered to see them the first 8months after he left he was too busy with ow. How do yo ever get through this. I just wish now he'd leave us alone. He feels like a dark cloud over us and the tendrils of which are actually seeping into my bloodstream and poisoning me Thanks for support Jelic

#11 Jun 24 - 9AM (Reply to #12)

Done sourcing

The 5 stages

. . . . Denial, bargaining,anger,depression, then acceptance. Recognize what you are feeling at the moment. No need to deny it. All feelings pass. Some aren't even logical or explainable. That doesn't matter. Write often here about what you are feeling and doing now. I try to take it one day at a time. What can I do for me today to have a good day for me today. Find a mental umbrella to shield yourself from the N and their darkness. He was dark before you met him, was dark while you were with him, and will continue to be dark after you are long gone. The quicker the better, and it starts with no contact. I wished alot of things and they didn't happen. We have to take positive action, Write down your wishes, those are your goals. Then look at them and figure out which ones are real and attainable, and which ones are illusion and fantasy. Understand the N won't get better, they will just find another object, like a kid with a really big toy box. It is a game to them, and you are the current toy (object). Sad, but true. Write the wishes down and use them as a roadmap to move through the stages to acceptance and freedom. Be Blessed

#12 Jun 24 - 1AM (Reply to #3)

Littleone

I've had a letter too hun,

I've had a letter too hun, but that's all it is- a letter. Don't forget that would have cost him money and so would any follow up letters or action. Another scare tactic to intimidate you Mine hassled and hassled for two months about visitation with his son. Which he got (supervised) But now he has gone silent and he hasn't seen his kid for 4 weeks! Doubt he'd be taking me to court because it will cost too much and I have ALOT on him. I pray hes gone away for good but unfortunately these people don't go away so easily. It will get better in time, you'll soon be laughing at his antics

#13 Jun 24 - 1AM (Reply to #4)

Jelickuk

I hope so. It feels as if he

I hope so. It feels as if he still has control and power in my life and I hate that. I could never have imagined my marriage would end like this and the vulnerable needy adoring and attentive man I married would turn into a sullen contemptuous resentful sneering and critical pig in the marriage and now a cruel heartless torturing bastard. Heads spinning with it all. Still so hard to let it all go Relic x

#14 Jun 24 - 1AM (Reply to #5)

Littleone

I know what you mean about

I know what you mean about them having power and control. I hate that feeling. Remember tho, you are the one who holds the cards here, you refuse to be a victim anymore, he would hate that! NC is the worst narcissistic injury you can inflict. Stick with it, your doing great!

#15 Jun 24 - 6AM (Reply to #6)

indenial

i dont get it

If nc is the worst narcissitic injury you can inflict then how does it work and what does it matter if they are busy working on new supply or working on recycling old supply. If we are nothing to them then what does it matter ? Sorry I'm just not getting anywhere with my thoughts or feelings no matter what I try. I know what you're saying is right but I'm in conflict still with everything I read and know. I'm bloody useless xx

#16 Jun 24 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

Done sourcing

Nc is hard because

we still want them in our lives. We haven't yet accepted that it is over. NC isn't a punishment for them, it's a keyhole to freedom for us. They won't really change, so contact keeeps the game going for them...it's a game for them...understand that and you are halfway home...You might still think it was real, it wasn't...it was make believe, dominate and control, manipulate and abuse...that gives the N power because they feel powerless and they don't like that feeling. NC when applied makes them powerless, and they will move on and find another object (toy) to play with...it is 100 percent guaranteed....at first nc cna be very hard, due to cognitive dissonance, but trust it and you will see some freedom and power coming back into your spirit. You will never NEVER get power and freedom back talking to a Narc.

#17 Jun 24 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

Jelickuk

This is so true but very hard

This is so true but very hard to do because like an addict I still want one more..... I did learn a powerful lesson recently. I had four weeks nc. The pain and grid was awful but I felt clean if that makes sense. Then after he begged me to come back I met him and fell into madness. I became frenzied and rageful and back in obsession. Now after just a few hours in his company, it is really horrible again I am scared of reprisals and feel dirty. I hope I remember this lesson but for me amnesia seems to be something I am prone to around him Jelic x

#18 Jun 24 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

Done sourcing

Amnesia

Seems to me amnesia happens when we are away for awhile. I get that it gets really horrible again very quickly when I am in the company of the exwn, happens every single time. We share a kid so proximity happens sometimes. It's the way it is. I take more precaution to protect myself, but shit happens sometimes. My biggest weakness is that I feel compassion for her. I always have. But I can't fix whats wrong in her. And I know that, and it's ok. But it is in my mind, and I have to acknowlege it, but I don't have to act on it! Clean and awful makes perfect sense to me, I still was holding on to making it all ok, fixing it. I use my 12 steps from AA to work through these issues, and I give the x to God when I remember, because I am powerless. The path to freedom passes through powerlessness by the way, so it is ok. Admitting that I am insane, trying to make the relationship work, is healing. Only God can restore me to sanity, and He does immediately when I asked him to. He never lets me down, I am the one who slips up. It is a process, has lots of tentacles, and takes time to get through it, but oh so worth it. No human being is worth giving up the PRICELESS gift of sanity for! Keep on trucking and trudging...

#19 Jun 24 - 6AM (Reply to #7)

Littleone

You are NOT bloody useless!

You are NOT bloody useless! Get that out of your head right away! You've been the victim of abuse, of course it's hard to see things clearly. I hear what you are saying, but i think you just answered your own question......recycling old supply.... You too will be 'old' supply if you let it. They take any attention positive but mostly negative as supply. Look at it this way, he is a vampire and by giving him any contact at all you are giving him blood, a feed. Do you want to feed this monster? Of course you don't. He views everyone as an object, to be used. New supply, old supply, it doesn't matter as long as he gets his feed. He will Hoover you in some way, they always do. It's also normal in the early stages to actually want them to. But a Hoover (which can be either negative or positive) is not done out of love, it's out of need for supply. You are doing really well. Asking question, digging to the bottom of things. That's a really good sign. Btw are you Australian? I just noticed some Aussie slang in your post, I'm Australian :) Xox

#20 Jun 24 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

Littleone

Whoops just noticed the 'uk'

Whoops just noticed the 'uk' after your name lol

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