Traits in Abusive & (N) Relationships

Certain personality traits predispose people to abusive relationships. The following lists are typical characteristics of both parties in abusive relationships.

Partners of Abusers:

Personality traits which are common in the partners of abusers:

Intense need for love and affection. (See Love Addiction)
Low self esteem. (Belief that they can't have / don't deserve better treatment.)
Drug or Alcohol Dependence.
A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.)
Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction.
Enforced isolation creating resentment.
Strong need for a relationship to validate them.
Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.
Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.
Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other ways.
Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety.
Belief that "it will change if I just try harder."
Repeated attempts to leave the relationship.
Inability to follow through with leaving - return to the abuser again and again.
Clinical depression, self - medication.
Suicidal ideation or attempts.
The Abusive Personality:

Traits which are common in the abusive personality are:

Uncontrolled temper.
Extreme Jealousy. (See Love Addiction.)
Intense fear of abandonment.
A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment, ACOA issues.
Unrealistic expectations of a relationship. (To "fix" them or solve their problems.)
Isolation and antisocial temperament.
Recklessness. (dangerous sexual behavior, reckless driving, drug use etc.)
Inability to accept responsibility for their behavior and actions, even in the face of dire consequences.
Cruelty to children / animals.
Threats of violence.
Low self-esteem, shame.
Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction.
Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries, a compulsion to violate boundaries.
Drug or Alcohol Dependence, self medication.
Emotional volitility - fear of being "out of control".
Need for power and control to compensate for the above.
Bipolar disorder and / or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Abuse generally escalates when the partner leaves.

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abuse_rel_types.htm

Many people ask “Why doesn’t the victim leave? Why does the victim stay?” as if it is that simple. It is important to understand that there are many barriers to safety in an abusive relationship. Leaving can sometimes be dangerous and there are many factors an abused partner must consider in the analysis of how to respond to an abusive partner. The better question is “Why does the abuser do this and how can I help the survivor gain access to safety?”

Economic necessity
Isolation: from friends, family, community support, resources
Fear: of retaliation; of being alone
Threats: the abusive partner may threaten to commit suicide or hurt their partner/children, other loved ones and/or pets, threaten to call INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services), threaten to take the children, threaten to “out” their partner to family or coworkers…
Lack of resources or information about available resources
Shelters are full
Love and concern for partner’s well-being (fear that partner will be arrested, imprisoned, deported etc.)
Hope/belief that partner will change
Culture/ religion/ family pressures to stay together
Shame and guilt
Depression
Belief that the abuse is their fault
Immigration status: fear of deportation without partner’s support, fear of separation from children, law enforcement etc.
Children: desire to provide them with a two-parent home, custody concerns etc.

http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/barriers-to-leaving-an-abusive...