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Toxic Shame

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#1 Dec 1 - 10AM
Hermes
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Toxic Shame

Toxic shame.

Even more profound is the toxic shame and fragmentation resulting from abuse by a caregiver. For the purpose of this discussion, I define 'abuse' as the deliberate and knowing withholding, distortion or perversion of the normal selfobject responses for reasons of the caregiver's own sadistic gratification - gratification that might include the projective evocation in the victim of unwanted feelings and images belonging to the perpetrator; a process of emotional violence that I have termed 'imposed identity' is also an aspect of this abuse - the insistence on viewing a person in a particular way irrespective of their own subjective experience, thereby imposing an alien identity. This definition can incorporate physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Toxic shame resulting from abuse is worlds away from the normal shame, embarrassment, chagrin and disappointment in the self that we can all experience from time to time. This toxic shame can be lethal, poisoning the soul and corroding any vestige of self-esteem. Fonagy et al (2002) refer to this as 'ego-destructive shame', which they see as resulting from severe interpersonal trauma that cannot be processed and alleviated by 'mentalisation'. The latter, as I interpret it, involves two components: [1] recognising that people (both child and mother) have minds, with intentions, thoughts and feeling; [2] giving meaning to experience and to the other's behaviour. For the abused child, the recognition of the abuser's mind and hostile intention may be too disturbing and so mentalisation is defensively blocked. Without mentalisation, shame is experienced in a very concrete and absolute way.
the shame concerns being treated as a physical object in the very context where special personal recognition is expected. Overwhelming mental pain is associated with experiencing a discrepancy between the representation of an actual self, based on how one is being treated, and the representation of the ideal shape of the self. The expectation of being seen and understood as a feeling and thinking person, which is created by the attachment context, clashes violently with the brutalised person's objectification and dehumanisation. Shame is a higher order derivative of this basic affect of pain. Unbearable shame is generated through the incongruity of having one's humanity negated, exactly when one is legitimately expecting to be cherished"

From Dr. Heinz Kohut.
In his recent book, Releasing the Self: The Healing Legacy of Heinz Kohut (2002)

http://www.selfpsychologypsychoanalysis.org/mollon.shtml

Dec 1 - 10AM
Hermes
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Basic Shame

Joseph Burgo PhD. "Over my years of psychotherapy practice, I’ve come to understand that there’s another kind of shame, one in many ways distinct from the type described above. I refer to it as basic shame and I’ll be using that phrase repeatedly on this site. Here’s my basic shame definition. When things go very wrong in childhood, for whatever reason — an alcoholic parent, bitter divorce, mental illness in those around you, a mother with bipolar disorder or a father with highly narcissistic behavior — it almost always damages you at your roots and deforms you psychically, just like a birth defect or physical handicap. You may feel fundamentally afraid and insecure in the world. You might find it impossible to love and trust other people. You could be prone to violent emotional outbursts or struggle with an addiction yourself. If the environment is toxic, we’re almost always damaged by it in lasting ways. With my clients, I often talk about mental scars or psychological handicaps. They impose limitations and have to be taken into account just as you would a physical handicap. It is the awareness of being damaged, often an unconscious awareness, that I refer to as basic shame. It is intrinsic and internal, though we may confuse it with the outside world: those of us who are troubled by basic shame dread being seen and usually fear that others will look down upon us. We feel as if we are “ugly” or “deformed”. We may be burdened by a feeling of self-hatred throughout our lives." "How do you defend against shame? Chances are you’re either a blamer or a narcissist and if you take an honest look, you might see your defenses in action. " From: http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/basic-shame/