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Tooo Many Posts

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#1 Nov 24 - 8PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Tooo Many Posts

and no time to comment on all of them the way I would love to.

so I'm going to try to say what I need in just one. Shit! I already know it's going to be long. :-)

Been reading all day. Some of the posts made me want to cry. Thank You Betty and Lisa and everyone else for being my friend and being here for me like no one else can. I would be soo much more lost than I am without you. I think I'm alone in this messed up aftermath of a so called relationship & then I come here & I find peace and logic to the shit that won't stop in my head.

Goldie it was nice to hear from you again. Your words are an inspiration. You were here when I first came on.
For all of us and our psychic chord cutting I swear I'm going to go buy myself that little dagger with rhinestones :-)Merry Christmas to us!
Helldweller the time has come for your name change ceremony! YOU are doing amazing!

Now I have struggled with needing any help with this but after today and what I read I know my feelings are ok and it doesn't mean I'm weak or should be further along. Only in my mind.
One year ago the N was living with me and he left to go back to his home state for a funeral. I soo felt bad for his friend who lost his dad. The friend by the way absolutely adores me. But I was pissed and hurt because it would've been our 1st Thanksgiving together in how many years and I had a 4 day weekend and he was excited to leave. I remember thinking he's hoping the funeral is over the long weekend so he has an excuse to leave. he never once said I'm sorry I have to go, I'll be back as soon as it's over. He actually left on Tues and said I may be back Mon or Tues of the next week. Funeral was Fri. I know he turned this all around to make me look like I was selfish because he wanted to go to this funeral. He told me well as long as I'm there I might as well make the most of it.
Now mind you one thing I have seen in him is when someone dies he puts on the I care act but my gut always told me it was because the N could get attention.Oh feel sorry for me someone I know died. I never called him on it because I thought I was the one f*d up. i mean who could really think that way? A NARC!
So we hardly talk the whole time he's gone & he calls me on Sat and says Babe I'm coming home tomorrow you want me to bring my freezer? I said sure!
Fast forward to March and many suspicions later. I find out he went back & slept with a nasty skank & gave me an STD. I confronted him, he denied he slept w/her(I never said a name),he said I'm unhappy that's making you unhappy & that's making us unhappy. Told him to pack his shit & get the f out.
haven't heard a word since. don't ever expect to. but all the memories and the nasty feelings and the suspicions are haunting me this week. And I hate it! I don't know what to do to make them stop!
And I am thankful he's out of my life and will never be welcome again.
But it makes me sick that I trusted him(well in between suspicions) & I tried soo hard to make him understand how I was feeling and to know I was such a fool.
I truly am thankful for soo many things in my life. This last year not even including the narc shit has been a year from hell. All has turned out well for the most part but today I hate his guts! I have been feeling soo much anger! Like I need anger management!
I have soo rambled. I'm sorry for anyone who takes the time to read all this shit. But I so needed to let it out! And have someone anyone listen and understand. NO ONE who knows what happened last year has even acknowledged I may be having a hard time with this.
So thank you to all of you for listening and being here. I am thankful for you on this Thanksgiving! God Bless All of You!

Nov 25 - 9PM
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

Ladies, wow how I can relate to all...

of your posts on here. Last year at this time we had just reconciled and I was moving back home with our kids. It was hook line and sinker which I fell hard right back into the abuse that I thought would never happen again. I didnt really want to believe he was a liar, we had been together for about 18 years, met as teenagers. From the illusion created to the STD that popped up in our sex life in FEB 2010. Nice how he was the first one to say, "we'll we shouldnt blame each other or point fingers", glad he was the only one that ended up getting it! If only he cared about my body as much as I did about his. But this year, my Thanksgiving (im Canadian) was not full of stress and anxiety like most of the others. Christmas will happen like it does every year but the only real happy and joyful feelings will be the one I create, not the ones I forced myself to fake. I used to think of the alone but now I embrace it as a new beginning and spending time getting to know me. Sometimes I like to say I'm dating myself, getting to know me, what I like and what I dont, what I accept and what I won't. I would not be at this stage of the process if I didnt find the friends and supporters here, kinda like family where I feel I belong. Thanks for reading, thanks for believing and we are Survivors! Happy Holidays All Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Nov 25 - 10AM
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Hi Faith!

Great post but sorry you are feeling out of sorts today. Feel the anger Sister, you have freaking earned it! What an absolute jerk for treating you like that and good for you for saying No more! The holidays are hard, and I am coming up on a year that we reconnected at the beginning of December. I know it will trigger alot and I am ready for it...bring on the red Flags I should have acted on, the lies, the betrayal. I am ready to face them....I already have but not in this way. Time to face it and keep moving on. It's still so hard for me to understand the blow he dealt me. Got a knot in my stomach thinking about it. But in the end...I am coming out of this wiser, stronger and more in tune with my true self! I am a winner and he is just a weiner. Jerk! I'm proud of you Faith! Keep going!!!!
Nov 25 - 3AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Hi Faithinthefuture

So good for me to read your comments. Your name says it for me today. I do have my faith for the future back without him. This does not mean that I do not still think about him from time to time and feel the feelings of the good and the bad. Just means that I am still greiving and it will take as long as it takes and that is o.k. because I have me back and that was the worse thing I lost, myself. A song kept ringing through my head the other day and I had not thought of this song in years. I went to youtube to look it up and it was Whitney Houston singing: "All at Once" I believe my subconscience was telling me that it is really over. Somewhere deep inside of me I think there must have been a shread of hope that maybe..... when he gets out of jail he will be o.k. different ect.... and the song was a gift to me to remind me that yes it is in fact over and it will never be and it is part of the process, the final letting go of the hope with him. I was shocked because I did not realize that I was still harboring hope. I can understand what you are saying in your post. I understand the total devastation of having the thing end so abruptly with no closure. My X went into jail almost 7 months ago and there has been N/C since. Most people out there do not "get it" unless they too have experienced it. This sort of trauma is life changing for us and I feel like I will never be the same. I feel like I am a better person now from having gone through this. Far more in touch with who and what I am and far more tolerant of who and what others are as well. So this is a good thing. I think the thoughts and feeling lessen as they get replaced with other things and this is a gradual process. Thanks for sharing and we are both exactly where we are supposed to be and it will continue to get better and better with time. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and remember to be good to you, you deserve the best because you are the best!!! God bless, Goldie
Nov 25 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

I'm going to go find

"All at Once" Goldie! I love how music speaks to me thru my pain. It's validating and thanks for the share!
Nov 25 - 12PM (Reply to #12)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

GREAT SONG!!

The words are amazing.
Nov 25 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Sherbear

You need to find whitneys 'The greatest love of all' too. That speaks volumes to us all on here :) Faith, it's so hard this time of year with all the memories of last years 'wonderful times'. I was gonna scrap christmas this year, but I aint gonna let him get the better of me. He HATED christmas with a vengeance and last year I invited him to share it with me and my family and he SEEMED to have a wonderful time. His family are all Bah humbugs at this time, my family on the other hand have always put our heart and souls into the festivities. I've got the week off work next week and I'm going to throw myself into decorating the house, shopping till I drop and trying to get into the spirit. I don't need HIM to make my christmas special, I have my children, my dogs (they love christmas too) and most of all I have my FREEDOM. He can't take any of those things away from me. I know his christmas will be back to being a sad and dismal affair. I hope the 'ghost of christmas past' (ME) comes to haunt him :)
Nov 25 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

omg...I was going to write that!!!

I love The Greatest Love of All....I played it over and over again in my car at the beginning of the D & D. That and Mariah Carey's Make it Happen. I love All at Once too! I remember it from back in the day and I can relate to it so much right now. Lots of memories storming back in.....lots of ex husband thoughts (not the current narc, but an asshole narc all the same). So many triggers, so much I should have seen back then,....LEARN FROM THIS DAMMIT!! Don't go that route ever again...it's hell on earth. I'm yelling at me , not you...lol!
Nov 25 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

LOL

I'll yell with ya, if thats ok? I'm off to check out Mariahs 'make it happen and 'whitneys 'all at once' I'm in need of some good inspirational toons. I'll sing em at the top of my voice :) Cheers Sherbear x
Nov 25 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Don't know if that one is inspirational

I was kinda referring to a break up with no closure which most with a Narc would certainly qualify and how when there is no closure sometimes one can harbor lingering doubts "all at once". I found it profound to what I am going through right now. Accepting that it is really over and there will be no reconciliation. May not come across as particularly inspirational. God bless, Goldie
Nov 25 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Maybe not inspirational...

but definately validating for exactly what I am feeling for sure. I love music and it has been very thereapeutic in my healing. I am stuck on Kenny Chesney's new song...Somewhere with you. It definately touches a nerve as I can imagine the narc singing it... And when I am good and pissed, Carrie Underwood's Undo It is powerful!
Nov 24 - 11PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

faith

I too was thinking back to this time last year we were so smitten with eachother both in disbelief that we were now in our forties and were still incredibly attracted to eachother with him claiming that he was still in love with me and he knew it was wrong since I was married but said to himself" I loved her first" saying that when he looked at pics of my child and I that he couldn't help say to himself "that's my family". He talked about how it was gonna be a storm and that we were gonna have to be really strong to get thru it. I felt crazy in love. I get teary typing this as I truly believed that he was the love of my life and that my prayers 15 years ago were being answered. I had no idea that there were people like the narcs who are inherently evil Here's to next year and recovery with our swords sharper and more sparkly than ever!
Nov 25 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

"I loved her first"

Wow, I know that phrase well. Our stories are so similar SOI. I am so sorry for your pain as I know how incredibly brutal it is. My narc and I talked of how this had to be be God bringing us back together, that it was a divine intervention...he called me an angel sent to save him, the only woman who could help him b/c I was already in his heart before he built his walls up. My oh my, the sweet words we would say to each other....it was like a fairy tale, a dream that I never wanted to wake up from, he was everything I had been waiting for....and then it turned into a freaking nightmare. It's so hard to process. I know it's b/c we were connected from 30 years ago....he is imprinted on my soul, but I have to think of it like this.....It had to be him that tore my heart and soul open, b/c I was damaged so deeply, that I couldn't just deal with surface issues anymore, I had to Dig Deep and I have done just that. I am so grateful for our time together but boy did he destroy me! I can see though how I am coming out of this better than before....Glory!! I know your pain, Sweetie....keep going!! You are doing great!
Nov 25 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Wow, they really have the "words" down!

Amazing how they can "paint a picture" through their words. The words are intoxicating. Too bad their "actions" are so far removed from their words. I try to remember his actions, not his words and this helps to process the truth and the reality of the situation. The words were pretty poetry to my heart and soul and such a major hook. God bless, Goldie
Nov 25 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Actions speak louder than words...

I kept trying to minimize his lack of follow thru and make excuses for it...i blamed it on his anxiety, his past, his pain, his recovery, his ex wife.....everything except seeing it for what it truly was.....a big lie! I kept saying to myself, It's okay if he doesn't follow thru on everything....No dammit, it is not okay...that is wrong, very wrong....and it's not me that has the problem! Yes, his words were intoxicating...but I try to think of how he uses those same words and actions on all his other supply, it was jsut a hook. What a cruel, heartless creature. Sick Jerk.