Today's Thoughts

I think one of the more difficult parts of my recovery is accepting that my gut instinct was exactly right about George. Spot on, every fear I had about his emotional deceitfulness, his lack of loyalty and commitment and his lying proved to me the truth. I saw the patterns, I lived his rage outburst and I had been disrespected enough to know exactly what would come. I read text messages where he was actively devaluing me behind my back, saying things that were a complete shock to me and didn’t match the words he repeated to me day in and day out about our relationship. I knew I was the only invested partner, my body told me via anxiety -every single day- that I needed to get out. I saw his lack of compassion for people, his empty soul void of empathy, so void that he dreaded funerals because he never knew what to say to the family because he couldn’t relate to how they are feeling.

But I need to remain compassionate with myself – his manipulation tactics to make me feel like I was to blame and the one with the problems and his push/pull behaviour would be harmful to even the strongest and smartest of people. The twisting of facts, taking things out of context to build up a case against me. The gas lighting, denying truths about things he had said or done to make me feel crazy. Comments such as “I love you more in spite of your issues” to emphasize my weaknesses and make him feel powerful and above me, and more importantly to deflect blame away from him and his troubled mind. His incessant venting about how awful work is for him, and how he should be in control, that his father’s decisions were all wrong. The entitlement…the nauseating entitlement that I listed to every night for 2 years. His cruel excuses for our breakup and how small he made me feel, and how he severed everything that I had come to consider my life in one earth shattering episode of Narcissistic rage. How he later minimize how he acted and would twist the facts yet again to make him seem in the right, that I was simply too damaged to be in a relationship and that he had done us both a favour. How he would still retain control up until the bitter end, disengaging and re-engaging with me on his schedule and when he did engage, it was to drop a bomb. How we agreed to meet in person in mid-July, and how he spoke about himself and his life for 2 hours, addressing nothing about anything relevant to why I wanted us to meet.

It’s all so nauseating, even 8 months later. I wonder how I ever thought it was okay, and why I didn’t love myself enough to at least talk to someone about how I was feeling and be honest with my family and friends about how he was treating me. To get some objective input on what he went through (the things he told me about himself) instead of living in isolation with the very real potential that I was with a psychopath.

I hear of him in his new relationship and can only wonder what stage he’s at with the new girl. I worry for her, and although I stand true now with no contact, I wish there was a way for her to know about this.