Tips on Closure

Thank you for the posting, I've felt the same way. I have the nagging obsessions, but its less and less. Normal closure come from two people being honest and discussing things in a civil fashion. Narcs don't like closure, its too definite and too out of their control. It also prevents them from coming in and out of our lives to torture us lol. Obsession is an interesting thing. For me, its like the obsession is my mind processing all the lies and b.s. I can see what really happened clearly/objectively. The obsession also distracts me from other things in my life I don't want to look at too closely. That's so helpful, and then the obsession lessens. Its a healthy distortion, but for me, closure comes with walking away, and not wanting anything more from these people. I hope that helps.

Probably the best thing you can do is figure out WHY he wanted a relationship with you. What was his game plan? What was he after? Usually, if you look over the course the relationship, you'll find lots of clues. Thinking about it, my narc wanted me for sex...we had lots of sexy talk, emails, videos about sex - and how good it was gonna between us once we got together. It was an extremely sexual relationship...knowing what I know now, and realizing what he was after makes me feel so much better and at peace. I know I got things a lot better than other abused individuals. He never got to complete his con...time, distance, disease all took their toll on his game plan, and when he couldn't finish the job and got tired of waiting on me, he went looking for an easier target to run his con on. Turns out she is even more naive and trusting than I was! I later realized I was supposed to become his live-in sex slave, unpaid housekeeper, nurse, cook and maid. I got lots of gifts and money out it, but damn little sex (because his severe ED), and he apparently D&Ded me realizing the futility of it all. He tried, but he couldn't break me! He couldn't destroy me. If anything, I harassed, mocked, spit at and derided him! I think he ended up being scared shitless of me...he found out I was a lot tougher than he imagined. Once you put the pieces together on why he wanted you to begin with, and why he chose to dump you, it's like having a puzzle that finally fits together. That is the closure and you can provide it to yourself! Blessings to you.

YES TIME DOES DO IT...YOU WOULDNT WANT TO HEAR IT, IF IT WAS WRAPPED IN RIBBON WITH BELLS AND WHISTLES ON...IF YOU ARE NC..YOU HAVE YOUR CLOSURE.

I think all of us go through this stage- the driving need for closure. Its a double edged sword tho as is still a bit of CD. Because we want the fantasy man to reappear and take responsibility for everything he's done. But that's the thing, fantasy man never really existed. All there truly is is one truly ugly shell of a human being (if you can call it that). Hes never going to apologize or truly take ownership for what he has done. He cannot give you what you seek- he's a N, an emotional retard. Here's the other thing- while I don't know your story. I'm going to assume that he has emotionally abused you, at the very least, If your on here. He is therefore pond scum and should not be the one you seek closure from. The power of closure lies in your hands and yours only. He doesn't deserve the toilet paper you use, let alone the power of shaping how you get on with your life. The drive for closure will go away because we never truly get it in the way we want. What will replace that drive is a growing sense of inner peace. The bad man has gone away. Ride out the storm, wipe your hands of him, peace will come xo

Time is the key,mine never gave me closure this after 15 freaking years with the man. He said he would call the police if I came onto his property and get me for stalking,nut case! I am over 2 1/2years out and still think of him, but much less and it would have only been over much sooner if I could find a decent man to start a good friendship , but so far no luck, internet dating is terrible where I am,and the pickings are real slim where i live, but in time you will heal...........

My Narc has apologized, admitted everything was his fault, apologized again, talked about how I did everything right in the relationship and he was WRONG! Haaaaaaaa! BS! He didn't mean a word of it. He just wanted me back in his bed. I don't know how to tell you to get closure. I'm still working on it myself. I can tell you FOR SURE that if he apologizes and admits he's an ass clown he doesn't mean it and he wants something. I think when we let them go completely then that will be our closure. They will never give it to us. Hang in there! Sara

I found myself talking to friends about my N, and how I was charmed in the beginning of our relationship, I'am sure we all were. But I Really focused on how badly I was treated and how he was rude cruel putting me down, etc. When you realize your worth more then that and that he does not deserve you, you will find it alot easier to get past him, and not to mention, knowing how the N REALLY is, why would you want to be with someone so dishonest and not caring about you or how you feel, keep repeating this to yourself your WIRTH alot more then that, what also got me through all this is keeping busy with girl friends, had no desire to date anyone, after my experience that's for sure. And I also kept in mind how many other victims he has done this to. Good luck to you also Hope I HELPED some.

and I think they all seem yo be identical, getting them to say they are sorry is IMPOSSIBLE. I'm completely ignoring mine because he said the most vulgar thing to me I've ever heard in my life. I see him at work and instead of saying he was sorry he has totally flipped it around and is acting like he is mad at me and ignoring me back. It's so effin childish, but what do you expect. I'm sorry and I know exactly how you feel, but they will never admit what they are. It would be beneath them. After all they firmly believe they are above us in every way and that we are lucky to be in their presence. They just suck!

I'm afraid there's little I can tell you. Here's what I'm doing in case you find any of my methods helpful. I was just marveling today, that my whole experience with the narc now seems kind of surreal, almost like it never happened. Then just a few minutes ago, I reported him on another cheater's site for the general satisfaction of him giving me the silent treatment and being the ass-clown that he is. In the future, anyone who knows him, can easily google him and his cheater record will pop up to tell the story of what he's really like. In terms of getting closure, well, I do a lot of praying, begging God to remove memories of him from my mind - I do admit they are fading, and getting harder to recall if that helps any. I am endeavoring to find a new love or companion - just today, I was responding to three men who have contacted me regarding a possible relationship with each in the future. That really helps my ego more than I can say. I'm doing a lot research reading on narcissim, self-esteem and finding healthy love relationships. That's a big help! I'm learning not to be so naive and ignorant about men. In fact, I'm trying to learn how to date like man (for fun, and not just solely to find a husband!). Perhaps most of all, is just allowing time to pass, developing new interests and keeping busy. That includes going back into my childhood and reclaiming my wounded self, recalling my history of being abused, neglected and abandoned as a child - embracing that child. Oddly, I'm finding myself sleeping more, but eating less, and feeling much more peaceful and relaxed. Time seems to be my biggest ally, and bearing with the pain, letting myself feel it, and allowing myself to heal.