Timeline of a Narc

I thought it might help marshal my thoughts a bit to write a brief event-based list of my experiences with The Ice Queen of Narcnia. So here we go:

- He contacts me via a social website, apparently looking for friends.

- We get to know each other a bit. He seems quite boring initially. I have little interest.

- As I get to know him more he gets a lot more interesting (looking back I realise he was "locking on" to me and figuring out what buttons to press) and we start spending more time together.

- I realise, to my horror and surprise, that I'm falling in love with him and try to resist it because I already have a partner.

- I reach emotional breaking point and confess my feelings towards him. He feels the same. I'm on top of the world.

- He tells me that no matter how things turn out, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends.

- First push-pull cycle: Suddenly he pushes me away, leaving me totally confused.

- I try to figure out what has happened, and put some distance between us. He then flatly denies he has pushed me away and pulls me back.

- He starts "helping" me figure out what to do with my existing relationship. I realise looking back that this mostly consisted of pouring poison down my ear about my partner. It's always done very subtly.

- I question if all this is a good idea, knowing it will destroy my relationship with my partner. He pulls even harder, turns on some emotional blackmail about how sad he'll be if I stop seeing him.

- We "get back together" and I start talking about a committed relationship.

- He refuses to give any commitment. Start of next push-pull cycle. I realise I don't want to leave my partner and still love him, and I certainly don't want to leave him if Narc Boy isn't waiting for me.

- Around this point there is mention of someone he met who he fancies. This person isn't mentioned again for a while...

- Some of the things he says about himself start to sound suspiciously exaggerated or like lies. I start paying closer attention.

- Masturbate together on a remote hillside. He comes within a minute, and instantly "switches me off" and becomes incredibly cold and distant. At the end of that day I go home and realise I'm close to tears. At the time I had no idea why. Now I realise it was because I felt used.

- Manage to spend some time alone with him. After he's had a shower he leaves most of his clothes off and we end up embracing...and I can't let go. Mind-blowing feelings of lust, but I keep enough self-control to not have sex with him. Frustrated, but also suspicious that he lured me in like that after him making it clear he doesn't want to interfere in my relationship with my partner.

- I start catch him out on things and we start to engage in lots of verbal fencing. He finds convoluted ways to make things he's said be reinterpreted any way he feels like. I start to question my own ability to correctly understand people and wonder if I often jump to the wrong conclusion. This is where he's managed to stuff a lot of self-doubt into my head through his mind games.

- Increasing amounts of push-pull. Don't see each other for a few weeks.

- Friends of mine mention they keep seeing him in a local pub, letching all over the landlord.

- We have a conversation where he suggests we go off together on a weekend city break. Initially I'm not happy with cheating on my partner, but eventually I crack and decide I will go.

- I decide that as much as it hurts me to do this to my partner, I will have sex with Narc Boy. Emotionally, I'm being torn apart. Things with my partner are going from bad to worse.

- He comes back, we have a great day together, I inform him of my desire to have full-on sex...he turns me down, telling me he wouldn't trust me if I cheated on my partner.

- I bring up the city break. He tells me he never meant it, he was just "seeing how I was thinking."

- I have a few weeks where my partner is on holiday. I mention this to Narc Boy, thinking it's a great opportunity for us to get together. He's totally disinterested.

- Mention the weeks again, he has "forgotten."

- Finally meet up just once during the weeks on holiday. Strange mentions of pub landlording from him, which I pick up on immediately. Another day of him playing games. Despite him telling me doesn't want to initiate anything, he claims he has motion sickness and wants to lie down. I leave him be and he makes it clear he wants me to join him. More near-naked stuff, despite him "not trusting me if I cheat on my partner" and HIM initiating it. At the end of the day he leaves with a hug. A very odd hug that almost felt like a "goodbye" hug...

- Disappearing act: He vanishes for a month and a half, leaving me with nothing but excuses.

- Eventually he realises I'm not going to go away and confesses that he's started a relationship with the guy he fancied (see earlier). I'm devastated. I confront him when I realise it's the same pub landlord who has cropped up repeatedly. When I demand to know if he's been seeing this guy at the same time he's been seeing me, I am told "you know me better than that" - i.e. no actual answer.

- I rationalise that at least I've got a good friend in him (why would I ever do that after what he'd done?!), and try to move on with my life. Instead I find he pushes me away. His attitude is that if I bother him too much (or pretty much do anything not on his exact terms) then I am a bunny boiler. Cognitive dissonance is in full swing about now.

- I begin seeing a therapist. I don't know if this signals the end of my relationship with my partner, and maybe I should move on to someone "better", or whether I should patch things up. I need help.

- First grapevine gossip starts to arrive: I learn the full details of Narc Boy and his new partner. It becomes clear he has pulled this guy's relationship apart and didn't even let his predecessor finish moving out before he was moving in. I am ENRAGED.

- As therapy starts to hit its stride I start to understand just how much damage Narc Boy has done and start seeing through all the poison he's filled me with.

- Christmas comes and goes, he doesn't even wish me a Merry Christmas. I am abandoned and forgotten about.

- In therapy I begin to realise that mentally I'm splitting Narc Boy into two people: The guy I first met (who I shall call Prince Charming) and the guy I know now (the Creep).

- Therapy leads me to have a discreet look around me to see what else is out there, partner-wise. I begin to realise that when I think of all the people I've EVER met, not one of them can hold a candle to Prince Charming. A little more thinking makes me realise that even the Creep is no match for Prince Charming. A little more thinking makes me realise Prince Charming isn't real and no-one will ever be that perfect. This helps me to understand that there is nothing inherently wrong with my partner. We patch the relationship back up.

- Narc Boy's relationship falters. He is dumped and makes a reappearance. I am distant with him. He disappears off the radar, then suddenly is back in the relationship again.

- Although I still think about Narc Boy, by now he is busy in his relationship and has dropped me completely. Things are much, much better, and I start to heal. Therapy continues.

- Narc Boy's relationship falls apart. He manipulates me into contacting him, but won't give any details. I am infuriated and demand to know why he wouldn't contact me and what happened about all the "friends" crap I was told. I give him a full rundown on how I feel about him, what it was like for me, how things have been, and how angry I am with his strange behaviour. He ducks and dives and finally dumps all responsibility on his now-ex. I am told "this really isn't about you."

- I start rationalising that maybe the love element was responsible for this mess, and that since we're now ONLY friends, maybe it will work. I realise I still enjoy talking with him, so I decide to see how it goes. He is on probation, to my mind.

- Almost immediately he starts pushing to be treated as a "full" friend. Then he starts becoming inappropriately sexual. When this doesn't work, he goes back to his mind games.

- I recognize his games for what they are from therapy. I become extremely angry. I tell him that the games better stop, or there will be consequences.

- He continues playing mind games. I get angrier. I realise I no longer trust him in any shape or form and that the future of this "friendship" is very bleak.

- I am told I "see things that aren't there."

- Finally, I get D&D'd. I am told, on the public boards of the social website we both use, that he is superior to me in every way. I am enraged and tell him how I feel, expecting an apology.

- I realise at this point that we've known each other for 2 years and I've never, ever heard him apologise. I begin to realise there is more wrong with him than I first thought.

- Online research leads me here and to the diagnosis of NPD.

- He announces publicly that he can't attend a party we're both attending. I send him a message saying that although I'm still mad with him, I'm sorry he can't go. He totally blanks me.

- See a lot of evidence that he is sniffing around a friend of mine. Unsure what to do. End up warning friend, in vague terms without naming any names, that there are some unpleasant people out there.

- I realise I must go NC, and do so. It's initially more painful than I expected, but I quickly get used to it.

- Two months later he is out of supply. Word reaches me that he has been stalking his ex, and has been warned off. He tries to come to me for supply only to find I have blocked him (NC).

- Thus begins five months of him stalking me all around the social website. He is incessant and tenacious, almost desperate. It is so pathetic I feel like laughing, but there is still the pull of Prince Charming in the background.

- I break NC after about four months. I briefly give him an opportunity to say his piece, making it clear I am listening. As soon as he realises this, he blanks me. Same old, same old.

- I post a number of hints on the same social website that someone is in my bad books, and someone has caused me a lot of pain, and someone is stalking me. A slight threat that he might be reported if this continues.

- He abruptly disengages, after a parting shot hinting that he couldn't care less about people who block him.

- Peace and quiet at last.