This time of night is hard

Mainly because I've had a wine by now (have one when I'm making dinner).

I also just walked up to the loo (thanks wine), and my daughter is in the bath. She is using a bubble bath that reminds me of the ex. A piney kind of scent. It just set me off again.

It's two weeks tomorrow, this is the longest we've ever not spoken and I DESPERATELY want to email him. I can't tell you how hard it is.

The two things stopping me (you may notice this changes on a daily basis) are:

He told me he can't give me what I want (he doesn't even freaking know what I want, which is only basic communication, not hot and cold)

He told me to not contact him

I strongly suspect if I did contact him, he'd be chatty & friendly (he certainly wanted to engage in conversation when we saw each other last week), but I am holding out because after being told (paraphrasing here) that he isn't willing to give me what I need and to go away, my contacting him is like a puppy who's been kicked coming back for more. It would be humiliating, embarrassing & would show him how little I respect myself.

But I still want to do it :(

I'm sorry for constantly ranting.