I've been lurking on this site for months, finally registered, and eventually got the book. The sadness comes in waves, so clearly I need to get this out. We split in Jan 2013 and final D&D in Feb, so it is truly past time to GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD! I'm sorry this is longer than I had intended... please bear with me.
I met XN in June 2010 online. Apparently, we met each other within the first week of both of us joining Match and were each other's first dates (I don't believe him). He was very handsome, and I was so excited that he wanted to see me again the next day... and we were inseparable from then on. My two kids fell in love with him, he also had a young daughter and a teenage son (turns out the son is a sociopath and drug addict). The love bombing was nuts - flowers and cards like crazy, texts all day long, and he would get so angry if I didn't text good morning or good night. The sex was amazing and it never got old. He lives in a crappy apartment, and I have a house, so he usually stayed at my house when he didn't have the kids.
But my intuition always told me something was off: oddly, he only had three friends, and he rarely saw them; he said I was the best lover he ever had, wished he had met me instead of his ex-wife, said she was terrible in bed, that she smelled bad, she was stupid, she wanted him back (his claim), he resented having to pay her alimony, and he was always really weird about money. He would show up to parties or events empty-handed, he never bought tickets for trips (we always split costs), even though I gave him an all-expense paid trip to So FL for his birthday, and he rarely bought gifts or tickets for shows, or planned anything fun. I figured it was because he was saving for a house, but the reality is that he is terrible with money. He once owned a restaurant and it went under and he had borrow money from a rich uncle to pay debts, and he lost his house, and I guess that contributed to his divorce. He told me it was 50k, but when I later met his wife she said it was 30k, not that it matters but why would he exaggerate his debt?
So, he has a kid that got expelled from school and eventually he had to send him to reform school in another state. XN's parents help out with the tuition. We went to Italy and each paid half (hotels, food, etc), although I suspect that I probably ended up paying more than my share. Whatever, no big deal, because we decided to get married. In March 2012, we went to a jewelry show and he bought me a ring for ... $350. Big spender, but I didn't care because by now I was ALL IN (brainwashed), and I was so excited to be marrying him. So what if I would be paying my own airfare to our destination wedding? Yes, I am an attractive, educated woman with a law degree, I own my own home, have lots of friends, and was completely duped. We all were. I bought this man two watches, expensive meals, even offered up the real diamond from my first engagement ring. Ugh, so STUPID!
I should also mention that XN would go through my phone whenever he could. While I was under anesthesia for a minor operation, he snooped and discovered that I had VM's from an old BF. No big deal, this guy was my friend and I vented to him often about XN's troubled son, as he had a brief marriage with a woman dealing with a similar issue. He advised me to get out as quickly as I could. Yet I stayed, and XN was devastated to discover the VM's that I thought I had deleted. He went through my phone at least two other times and found text messages where I said "I need to get out of this."
We started to plan for living together, and I suggested that we live in my house for a few years until we could save up to buy a home together. His response: it's too small, sell your house and we can buy a house... His plan was that we would use my equity as a down payment. So, if things don't work out, then I'm homeless and he's gotten half of my savings? I don't think so. At this point, I had already been thinking for months "what does he bring to the table, besides his good looks and his penis?" Seriously, that was my intuition telling me that this guy has NOTHING but debt and drama, and he lives in his own head... Nothing is ever good enough. My house is too small, but he lives in an apartment? My kids are too young, and after what he went through with his son, he was hesitant to raise more kids - hey asshole, my kids are honor students who already have two parents, thankyouverymuch. And my son absolutely worshipped XN. When I refused to sell my house, things went downhill FAST. We called off the wedding days after the invitations had gone out (fortunately it was going to be very small, because he hadn't offered to kick in much money).
We stayed together to try to work things out, but I see now that I was really just supply for him. In Oct, I asked him if he saw a future for us and he said not right now. So I broke up with him and he went into a panic - please don't leave me, I'm begging you. So we got back together. By early Dec, we agreed that we would end things at the New Year... Omg, we were dragging out this break up! Probably so he could hold onto me while he looked for his next victim. In Jan, I started a new job and exactly 2 weeks later I had to put down my 10yr old dog. XN met me and the kids at the vet for support. That very afternoon he asked if we could talk... he was anxious, couldn't concentrate and needed to talk to me about US (really, wtf?). We met and he told me that he wanted to have no contact in Feb, and we should reconnect in March to see if we missed each other. Reality: he had met someone and wanted to see where it would go, and keep me in the wings. Their "anniversary" is two days after he left my bed, so I'm guessing that he met her before I put my dog down. This is what I obsess over - when did they meet? And then I tell myself: it doesn't fucking matter.
I gave him a card and a flower for VDay and he sent me flowers at work, and asked me to send him a photo of the flowers (to make sure they didn't include red roses, or something that I might misinterpret?). He sounded giddy, and I just knew there was NS. During the next few days, I reached out a few times over text, saying this is so painful I want to die. Silence - he shut me out without any remorse. I was discarded like old news. So a week later I surprised him at his apt in the morning. He was livid, like I've never seen him so angry in my life. He held the door open and said that I had to leave, that he had "moved on." This was a phrase he used often since the day the dog died, and I was oblivious to its meaning. I truly was naive enough to think "there is no way he could have met someone so soon and jumped head first into another serious relationship. I mean, we JUST broke up after a 2.5 year relationship!" The new girl is young, she has money, owns an apartment, a nice car, she has status through her job...yep, the perfect next victim.
So I went NC since Feb 22 and I have not heard one word from him. That hurts like hell - no concern about my mental health (dog, job, etc), or my kids that LOVED him; they feel like he broke up with them. In May, I caved and reached out to his ex wife. We met for lunch because I wanted to clear my karma. XN was terrified of she and I ever becoming friendly or talking - why, because he had bashed her so much to me? I started to think that everything he did with me during our time together was for the sole purpose of hurting her, and there are too many examples to list. I was okay with the break up throughout Dec and Jan because I really thought we might work things out or at least remain friendly... but why would I want to stay with this man who offered absolutely NOTHING? He is petty, vindictive, calculating, selfish, like he had a credit/debit list with everyone in his life.
He was never violent with me, but here is why I think he ranks high on the narc spectrum:
- he was proud of the fact that he NEVER cried, he even boasted about it (I cry all the time)
- his son did not become a sociopath out of thin air, he had a role model...
- he used to say that he was so confident in all areas of his life, but he was admittedly insecure about us (I always reassured him I would never leave him, but he had a bottomless pit of neediness)
- he would keep me on the phone all hours of night, stirring fights over absolutely nothing but blaming me for his insomnia because now I had upset him (over what? talking in circles)
- his ex wife was actually a really nice person, and she said that she had to get out of the marriage because he was always all about him, like he lived in his own head, and lack of trust, and BORING (he was like that with me too)
- he thought everything in life had to be perfect: I had to be perfect (he was going to buy me boobs even though mine are FINE) and I asked me to read a book on manners before I met his parents!
- he was obsessed with his looks, started modeling, worked out all the time, talked about how young he thought he looked
- his words and actions never matched: he was going to take us all on a cruise, pay for the trip to NYC (that I eventually booked for me and my kids because I knew he'd never do it), send his daughter to private school...
- and I always thought "with WHAT money?" He got a job in sales and bragged about money all the time, and how much he was going to be making, comparing himself to a co-worker who had been there 20+ years but XN thought he was entitled to have it overnight
- I got tired of spending every second of every day trying to please this man, thinking if I was only thinner, prettier, richer (he was wiping me out financially and emotionally), if only I could make him feel more SECURE about us. But that's not possible. No one person could ever make him feel secure enough - and that's not her job!
- and he HATED that I have (had) a lot of friends. He always wanted it to be just us, the two of us, drinking wine and talking about our feelings, his feelings, his opinions, his grandiose plans that never went anywhere.
- his mother cheated on his father when he was young (maybe 9-10) and they were living with military in Italy. I think that was the catalyst for his damaged psyche. He stayed with his dad through the immense pain, and he supported his dad until the parents reconciled. They became devout born again Christians and ultra religious. I sent his mom a text in April "Happy Easter. I hope you are well." She replied "Jesus is risen indeed. We pray you come to know him." (does it matter that I'm Jewish). So that's how the Narc was created, but it doesn't fucking matter.
Trying to figure out MY pain now. Why do I obsess over him and the new girl? She'll want more kids, and he's had a vasectomy and a BAD kid, but that's not my problem! He still has a boatload of debt... again not my problem! I miss the dream of having this gorgeous, doting, attentive husband - even if I did pay for everything (and he earns twice what I do). And the death of that FANTASY life hurts, knowing he discarded us for a new girl. He's probably told her lies, that I was crazy, or who knows what. He even told me during our last civil chat, "You are going to hate me." And I said I could never hate you. Now I know why he said that. And he asked me what I would tell people about why we broke up... I thought that was so weird. I would just say it didn't work out. But it was like he needed to know what I was going to SAY about HIM. I say as little as possible because my friends are OVER it. They say MOVE ON already.
Since the break up, the anger and sadness has come in waves...
- I gave away the leather couch he borrowed for me from his friend - literally put it on the lawn with a FREE sign
- I burned all the Italy photos, and a book his mother had given him when he thought he was a big shot working for a disgraced politician
- all the bullshit appliances he gave me as presents went to Goodwill (even the awesome Parmesan cheese grater I got for my birthday!)
- I changed my cell phone number
- he blocked me on FB before VDay when he had the new girl, so I blocked his email address just to be safe. (he became friends with the girl's MOTHER on FB within two weeks of them dating!!! They went out to CA to visit her family, go to a fancy hotel at the beach... That's when I decided to stop FB stalking and deleted my professional account). He was clearly jumping into new love bombing and it was too painful for me to see.
- I joined a new gym, traded in my car for a new one, lost 15 lbs, bought a bunch of hot new heels, and tried dating (disaster!!)
- and the BEST: I sold the bullshit engagement ring for $50 and took my kids to dinner :)
Now I stay home and cry and tell myself to stop obsessing. I choose to STOP being an observer in his life - NOTHING in his life has any impact on my future!! Heading into 6 months NC and sometimes I can't believe that he dropped us. just. like. that. He and my son were SO tight. I need to focus on my new job. Please help me get this douche bag out of my head. I saw a therapist and a psych (for meds), but when the cost of healing became 4 times more than the "engagement" ring, I had to try something else!
Sorry this is so long. I wasn't perfect, but I was there for him through all of his ex wife drama, and the legal troubles with his son, and his financial woes, and trying to find him a place to live, and isolating myself from friends so I could give him my undivided attention ALL the time... I don't want Mr. Drama back, I just didn't want to be thrown away like my family meant NOTHING to him and lose my best friend so suddenly. We call him the Dead Guy. As I told his ex-wife, he hadn't changed with me - and he won't change for the new girl. I hope she's getting the same drama and sob stories and pathetic insecure neediness and tally sheets and ME ME ME. Maybe they're both co-dependent and needy and perfect for each other. NOT MY PROBLEM!! I was a whole person before I met him, and I want the old me back. Fortunately, I don't think he will ever Hoover; he's too proud. I should be grateful for that.
Petty motherfucker even "borrowed" a few items from my house the last night he was here. And he asked me for money on our last date because he never had cash. omg... I am so DONE! You guys are the BEST and I am eternally grateful for this site.