tigger27247's story

Tiggers story - i have bounced back too many times and im tired now

I kept coming on this site for some reason but never actually 'got it' until recentley....and yet im still struggling to process it now?
My story is long so please forgive me but i want to share my hell with you as i know it help others.
I started seeing him in March 1984 through work , everyone including some of family warned me but did i listen?. People who we both worked with made comments to me subtley about ' all his women'..
The 1st proper date i saw a red flag , didnt know it then but i do now. I was corrected in mid sentence for the way i was talking !! oh and i was shown up in the process...because a school friend that i hadnt seen for ages was talking to us , for some strange reason she seemed to go very quickly after that.
I remember about 4 weeks into the relationship he TOLD me that WHEN we get married etc......at the time i thought it was very endearing !!!..huh...yeah i got that wrong.
Somehow and i cant remember why and how but we planned the wedding for the june in the next year....i wanted a big white wedding but he got the registry office...we also decided or should i say i was manipulated into buying a house for us before we got married as it 'saved money' ?...dont get that but never mind. I was also made to sell my lovely car for the deposit on the house....RED FLAG..as he should have done that i think? ( control )..
The house was in my name and he paid the mortgage , he made me buy a 2 up 2 down terraced while his mother lived in the lap of luxury in a 3 bed rent free...
We lived off rice and soup for the first couple of months because he LET me have a house !!
He never paid for any of the wedding , my family paid for everything , he didnt even get involved one bit ( red flag ) and left it all to me...i told him i wanted to go Majorca or Tenerife for my honeymoon , we went in this country on the cheap and the taxi and bus fares that my family gave to him so that we could get transport everywhere is still sitting in his bank today.
I remember him seeming very close with a co worker , they would sit in the corner giggling to themselves and did it even more when i was about...he still denies anything happened. Funny though , i still see her today and she always goes right out my way when i see her !!!!!!!!! - red flag maybe?????
I got pregnant with our 1st daughter , i told him he said, right....and carried on doing what he was doing.
Never came to any appointments at the hospital and made me stop work when i was 7 months to do the housework and have his tea ready whe he got in....thats what i think anyway.
When i was 8 months pregnant we were going shopping on the weekend. We were just pulling off in the car , he was driving..i told him i had forgotten my list for shopping , by this time he was going about 30 miles an hour down the road , he did an emergency stop so hard that the belt caught my pregnant tummy......i looked at him but was soon put in my place by him telling me dont do that again or else !
when our daughter came along and i was told i had to have an em c-section....he wanted to go home for his tea?..
I had a really bad time with our 1st daughter and was ill for a long time......still to this day he reminds me of how HE had to...wait for me to get better to have sex because i was so ill...whenever even to this day , when i bring up the lack of intimacy thing he always refers back to how HE HAD TO WAIT 1 YR so i should basically shut up.
I nearly died having his daughter for gods sake.....
From the word go our youngest daughter seemed a burden for him or in the way.
he loves his television and because we were in a small house our daughters crib was in the same room as us and of course she had to keep quiet or else...
one day when she was 6 weeks old and had bad colic he was going mad because he couldnt watch or listen to the telly..he got so mad at one point that he yanked her pram so hard that she flipped onto her face. I can still hear the way she cried now 26 years later ! i was also blocked from going to see to her to comfort her....i dont know how i did it but i pushed past him and got her....i was given the silent treatment for days after that. I didnt know what had hit me , he made me feel like i was the worse parent and person ever?..
I remember going to my parents house for a few days for support and he rang up that night asking why i had taken the microwave...lol....for some reason that scared me so i went back.
I have blocked a lot of events out , i suppose to protect myself , every ow and again i will remember something and be shocked all over again.
So i went back and i suppose things were ok for a while as thats what happens..what i do remember is this,...
when our daughter cried at night i was blocked from getting to her until she stopped crying..also if she woke up in the night i would be shaken in bed to go and see to her quickly as HE needed his sleep...if i didnt do this straight away i would know about it through temper...
Looking back now i dont know how i got through those first 2 years because there was so much control.
I must have scared him a little because one of the times when we was back in a honeymoon phase i managed to get us moved to a bigger house so that our daughter could have a garden.
Of course it was left for me to do ALL the work , phone calls , organising etc...because after all it was ME who wanted it? He did infact sign the mortgage documents as a favour to me for doing everything else !!!!!!
Me doing him favours has played a big part of this relationship which i know isnt normal.
We moved or should i say I MOVED US to our new house. It was that drove the van , it was me that got all the jobs done for the house..it was me that paid for them too....
Things settled down and we started to enjoy our new home.
I found out i was pregnant with our 2nd daughter. This is the when i think the REAL problems started.
He did spend time with our 1st daughter but it always seemed he had to , i always had to tell him to do things..it was never off his own back.
Our 2nd daughter came along and he immediatley fell in love with her and forgot he had another daughter who was now 4 years old and wanting her daddy.
From the word go our 2nd daughter was favourite with her dad and our 1st daughter was ignored and seemed a complete burden to him. There was one incident where our 2nd girl was a baby and was on dads knee , our 1st girl wanted to sit on dads knee too only to be told by him that theres only room for one !!!!
The resentment that started to build up between the girls was apparant and our 1st girl tried to hurt 2nd girl many a time out of jealousy and quite right too i think.
There was many trips to the hospital alone with them obviously as i was always 'making a big deal out of it' ..
.even when our 1st girl who i will call K broke her thumb on holiday and he wouldnt take me to the hospital as she was overreacting??? eventually i took her , he stayed behind with 2nd girl who i was call A..when i came back he went beserk because i wasnt there to make him cups of tea??? talk about sympathetic to K.
The girls made friends with a couple of girls opposite our caravan on the holiday. Those other girls wernt allowed to come into our caravan because he said so?
I have had friends who i have invited over to the house but they have never come back because hes always made them feel unwelcome. Hes actually compleltey ignored people even though they have sat in the same room?
We had relative come over from Australia who have known me from a baby and the came to see the girls....he quite openly told - whilst pointing with his finger - that A is better than K...
There was a few incidents when K stood up for herself only to be physically rammed against the wall and told he was the boss.
We was on another holiday when quite innocentley and in fun only K kicked her dad only having a laugh..he didnt take it like that and kicked her back hard...i was left no choice but to get an injunction on him....K is still waiting for an apology today and probably wont get one and he still thinks he was right.
Once K had a choir concert at a local hall and i was taking her to it , A wanted to come for the ride....he wouldnt let me take her..i dont know what started this but i know there was a scene outside the house. i ended up having to leave A with him so that i could take K so she wouldnt be late...when i got back everything was if nothing ever happened?....denial denial denial...
Like i said before i tend to have forgotten a lot that has happened....my mum and dad havent..my uncle who is not here anymore didnt...my uncle warned me time and time again about him...but i didnt listen..
Ive come to realise now by reading things on this site and other sites and talking with people who ive made friends with from this site that i must have been devalued every single day , even now and even today i have. My health is in a right mess and now i know why.
My daughter K comfort eated when she was in her teens and became very depressed and im not suprised...
One day she got sick of going out for clothes that didnt fit her and decided herslef that she was going to lose weight and she did....she lost about 80lbs....
She started kickboxing at 16 and became very good at it so much that she asked her dad if he would get her a club kit so that she could enter competitions , he told her she wouldnt need it as she wouldnt amount to anything..after getting very angry and upset she turned to me and told me that she was leaving once she was 18..she actually left the day after her birthday and now shes a mum and a marathon runner and shes doing 4 courses at uni......but on the down side shes still in counselling for her anger....
Our youngest girl has always been favoured over the eldest but when A was 18 herslef she inherited her money from my uncle, the same day our boiler went and had to be replaced.....i dont know to this day what happened but A ended up paying for a new boiler.....shes told me her dad has paid her back but thats not the point is it?
Ive just remembered one day when the girls wanted to go to McDonalds and asked thier dad to take them....they had just been to their nans and they each had pocket money....their dad took them and he also made them pay for their meal !!!!

The intimacy stopped about 12 years ago , infact everything stopped about 12 years ago where love and sex is concerned. When i ask him about it even now he laughs at me , i have tired to kiss him , he laughs at me....ive asked him if hes cheated , he laughs at me....

Last year about october time i lost quite a lot of weight and it was my birthday in december so i asked if i could get a nice dress....he controls all money , i dont have any.
He said what do you want a dress for as youre not going anywhere?...i said i am , im going out with my friends and i want to look sexy......he said well youre not having a dress and anyway youre still going to be frustrated.!!!!...this was the first time my gut was screaming at me that something was very very wrong.
Another recent incident was daughter A needed taking somewhere in a hurry and he was washing up and wanted me to wipe.....thinking about it now its funny how when i wash up he doesnt wipe but when HE washed up , HES DONE ME THE FAVOUR SO I SHOULD WIPE !!....hmmm
i told him i wanted to take A to her friends house round the corner , he said no , wipe these now...i just took her anyway telling him that as soon as i got back i would see to them... When i got back of course they had been wiped and put away and i got THE GLARE....
i said why didnt you wait until i got back , he said because i wanted them done now not whenever YOU felt like doing them....devalued........its the way he said it , with such disgust for me. I could FEEL he hated me for that moment.....he went into the other room and i followed him and questioned him about what i felt.....he did what he always does when i question him..he said in a very arrogant manner 'LOOK' as if to stop me from taking it any further....well i carried on and he was getting more and more annoyed...now i know that in normal circumstances a loving husband would have sat me down and talked to me in a calm manner...well things got heated and i ended up shouting at him telling him why isnt he concerned that he scares me , that everything is so wrong, that nothing gets resolved.......he says 'look' again.....he doesnt want to talk about it....byt this time in in tears sat down opposite him , hes just staring at me sobbing so hard that i cant breathe...hes still just staring at me with the telly remote control in his hand?..wanting to turn the telly on.....i am waiting for him to do SOMETHING !!!!..nothing at all just staring at me......i just completely break down and leave the room , he turns the telly on.......i go outside to get my breath , waiting for him to at least follow me?.......no....
5 mins later he walks into the kitchen and says....... " whats for tea sweetheart ".........

i think my love died for him there and then , i dont know how but it did...from them on i couldnt bare him being near me , him brushing past me made me feel sick.....

Only last night when the weather was hot here i just happened to say to him , god its hot , he said im not suprised in those tight jeans !!!!........devalued.

I would like some feedback on my story please , i know ive got to leave....i will die if i dont

i need to recognise all the tactics they use as this is what im having trouble with....im slowly getting what devalued is but still questioning it too..
i need to know how to leave after 28 years too....i havent known anything else.......im scared but im more scared of dying.......

thank you for taking the time to read this........xx

if there are any spelling mistakes i apologise x