Thoughts

If he is spending thousands on her where is he getting it? Flowers don't cost thousands. You can't believe everything that you hear. He is doing what he is doing because they design their abuse games to fit the woman in the trap. She has no idea what is coming but you do. Remember you are out of his reach and now you have to work on No Contact in person and in your mind. Do not let him be in your thoughts or in your life. You had a narrow escape. If you had continued to play his game and giving him money or whatever else you might not have a job or your own home. You were with a man who was dangerous to you in the present and could have destroyed your future. thank your lucky stars that you got away before you were ruined. Many women are not that fortunate. She might call you in the future and she will be broken hearted. It never changes they don't have a nightmare with you and then a great relationship with the next woman. It is all a nighmare 24/7 she just hasn't gotten to that part yet.

I was no less than his GF, just as attractive, just as educated, just as classy if not more, I had many good qualities yet he took her on trips, chose to live with her, spends his life with her living together. I always wondered what did she have that I didnt have. All I got was perverted phone calls telling me how sexy I was and to go out and do a threesome and tell him about it, so it made me feel like his little whore, I once asked him if he would like to hear a concerto on the piano, (I was a music major) and he said, no thats ok. He could care less about my talents or skills. To this day I wonder what it would have been like to go on a trip with him or fix dinner for him the only place he ever wanted me was in his bed. I always feel I was the whore and she saw a different side of him. Truth being I am quite shy in bed so I am not exactly agressive whore material. He wines and dines her and they live like husband and wife and she is no better than I am, but he sure tried his best to degrade me into sick sexual things with groups (NEVER DID) I would say go ask your GF to do that not me. Ya it hurt that it APPEARED she was getting the best but he cheats on her so she is not the love of his life now is she? If she was sooo great he wouldnt be cheating with many others all the time. I dont care what their relationship is like she can have him, she can waste her life living with a sexual predator and always search for clues of his cheating, not a trusting relationship I would want to have

You are torturing yourself. Don't. One tends to get caught up in the specific details of a pathological's activities, flower, dinners, etc. However, key here is "three months." I think looking at the larger pattern of the progession of a pathological may be more helpful. I have just been reading Heinz Kohut, one of the foremost psychiatrists in the area defining narcissism. He saw a pattern with narcissists. The normal state of the patient may have been an intense "brooding." (I like that because I even described my N as "brooding.") This brooding state is uncomfortable for the N. Then, Kohut writes, the brooding state may suddenly disappear. Why? Because the patient has been stimulated by the environment--praise or interest. "The patient feels suddenly alive and has a sense of deep and lively participation in the world. These upward swings are generally short-lived." However, this excited state can also become uncomfortable for the patient. The patient again suffers the sense of dullness. Finally, some "rebuff," an "absence of unexpected approval," a perceived lack of interest in the patient, will all soon bring about the initial state of "brooding." So look not at the details, look at the larger pattern. Here is Kohut, a major psychiatrist in the field, his framework of how the narcissist's mood's swing is perfect. You N feels stimulated by his environment of new woman. He feels alive & is participating in a lively fashion in his new relationship. Now he has money (or at least a credit card) & is flying high on euphoria of a new relationship. Really, isn't the first weeks, months, of a new love affair the perfect narcissistic relationship? The partner is the best thing since sliced bread--even in healthy relationships between non-personality disordered people. But, even in healthy relationships, there will be disappointments & slights. Well, when the inevitable rebuff, disapproval, or lack of interest occurs -- your N will be triggered & new woman will experience much of what you suffered. Really three months is a short time. Look, who the heck celebrates a "three month" anniversary? People tend to be dating & getting to know each other. Already, the relationship has the hallmark of an overly intense relationship. And, you caught her on her anniversary. Any red flags she has seen, she has shoved them under the carpet because that day was very exciting & intense & N was being just wonderful & she believes that this will continue forever & ever. But, you & I & everybody here knows otherwise. Sadly, this woman too will suffer what you have suffered. But there is nothing you can do to prevent this. She must learn for herself. If she does not eventually leave him . . . she will be in an abusive relationship, not a happy one. Believe that. Personality disorders never change.

She's the current? She has nothing to gain by telling you anything helpful. I'm not saying she's a bad person, I'm saying she's probably protecting herself. When I was with mine, I would have never admitted to anyone there were problems. He didn't have an income with you, and you were okay with that. Mine couldn't work while he was here because he wasn't a citizen. I was okay with that too. So, I mostly supported him (granted, the plan was to change that, but never happened, thankfully). They study us and know what they have to do in order to keep us around. Spending money that they happen to have does not mean they like them MORE. This girl, if not now, will eventually be discarded on the heap too. Did he treat you like dirt from the get-go? Likely not. In the beginning, they're typically Mr. Wonderful. My ex was 'the one' I was looking for, he had most of the qualities I wanted...but that was the Fake Guy. The real guy was an entirely different story. If you ever hear about them breaking up, try talking to her then...then, you'll get the real story. In the meantime, this kind of contact is just hurtful to you.

I've thought the same thing because the N has painted his new victim to be everything I am not. And he made sure he blabbed about her to his kids, who didn't want to hear it, that she is tall, thin, blonde, has a great job, knows how to have a good time and is an excellent singer. ALL of these things he complained about with me. Even down to the singing where he told me I was tone deaf and then he would always sing to songs while I stayed silent. She's not better than you. You are who you are and it's good enough.

Hi moving on- I'm sorry that you felt that you had to contact his current gf.. Remember as Barbara says often Pathology does not change- he will do the same to her as he did to you. 3months- my guess is the mask is still on or halfway on at this point. He is putting on a grand show...sounds like he is trying to buy her love... mirroring the ideal mate... he might have even profiled her and found out that is what she requires in her relationships. Please try not to get into the destructive thinking pattern that she is better than you because it appears he is treating her better... dont let him have that control over you! She is days, weeks, months from seeing the true Narc in all his glory. and you already know how painful that is. You are worth soooo much more than that. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”