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Those of us with sons

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#1 Jan 21 - 3PM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

Those of us with sons

Hey all,

I have been reading posts and understandably any woman who has been victimized by a sociopath (such as myself)is reluctant to get involved with a man again. The tendency is, of course, to see men in general as potential land mines, ready to explode at any moment.

But here is the issue...I have two of the most lovely young teenaged boys, who are sweet, considerate, funny, loyal, empathetic, and all that and more...

So, if I have boys like this, who will grow up to be really cool men, then there must be some men out there right now who are just as fabulous.

It is difficult to find them, I am sure, as we have to wade through the obstacle course of psychos in a search...but as a mom of boys, I am very hesitant to generalize about men in any way.

I hope my boys find loving women, who are healthy, non-borderline, and sweet as can be.

Jan 21 - 11PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

There are good guys out there, keep them on that good path

I do believe there are great guys, considerate, caring, loving, fun, who don't have pathological problems and victimize others. There are good, honest, lovable guys out there. Notice how if you ask most ladies what they want in a a guy, what are the top 3 or 4 things they will say? I want a good, honest, loving guy,,who is handy,,attractive,,etc... I would bet that most woman would say " I want a good, honest guy, who is loyal" as the top 3. Any other top 3 or 4s??
Jan 21 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

helpmefromn

Psycho-Boy's made such a name for himself blogging that he's been interviewed by G.Gordon Liddy and Rush Limbaugh. He won a blogging award - on an aggregator RUN BY HIM AND HIS FRIENDS. I always think - so what - at what cost? What has he really done for anything or anyone but HIMSELF? Nothing. Awards are meaningless - RESULTS are everything. And these Narcs get horrendous results. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Barbara

That's right...and then they go home at the end of the day, ceremonies and celebrations are over...look in the mirror, and see no reflection! They conned us, they con the world. They are masters at their stupid, twisted, evil game.
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #21)
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

what is an example of

what is an example of horrendous result?
Jan 21 - 11PM (Reply to #22)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

helpmefromn

THEY are the horrendous result no life no conscience no feelings AT ALL soul less non-human they have to live by preying on others that's the result... and just LOOK at what these PAPER HEROES do to their VICTIMS! they can have those awards... I'd feel dirty if I lived like that and got awards... blech! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #20)
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know -- I just hate the

I know -- I just hate the thought of him getting puffed up, and then also his friends being puffed up because of it too.. I know it's empty but I know he feels on top of the world and he hurt me so much it's hard for me not to care that he is so happy..
Jan 21 - 9PM
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

tomorrow's his big day - help

I broke NC last week and saw online that he is being nominated for a big award that will be given tomorrow. I am so curious if he is going to win, but it's weird, I don't care anymore. Like I still think of him (it is less and less as I get busier in my own life), but my heart doesn't ache. When I saw he was nominated, my heart ached because I felt like WTF! Too soon after we broke up and he's a star??!! Anyway, should I not look tomorrow to see if he won -- I know I will.
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

"Looking" or 'checking up' is still away of being in contact

We all want to keep up with where they are at,,,it is almost so we know if there is a plot against us,,does this make sense? It is like we need a gps system of some sort to know where they are at,,so we can defend ourselves if need be. They have trained us to react and relate to them in that manner. Maybe it is good, healthy, happy, to break that cycle? And HONESTLY don't care!!!
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #16)
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

never thought of it that way

never thought of it that way -- it's true, he did make me on edge like I had to have information ready.. i thought i was still curious because i don't have a bf now, and I am bored because in reality I don't CARE! It's weird -- like an old habit that won't die
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Oohhh I know the feeling,,the habit is there to protect you

It is such a strange feeling,,to always need, and desire to be up on the exN,,it is like a defense, protective measure that keeps us REACTING to them, which is what they want, all along. Somehow, in their mindgames, they got us to this point, without our knowing. Yet, it continues, even though we have moved on,,right,,,it is strange,,I think is it described as them initially creating a fear, or sense of harm on us,, and then some how communicated that they were capable of doing such and such atrocity to us. There are some specifics, that they do to get us in this mind state. It is up to you,,see if how you like it,,if it is a healthier feeling to break the cycle, stick with it. Trust. He never wanted you to be happy,,it is their control/damage thing yet you have control over him to prove him wrong. The N relationship has a way of keeping us on them,,I don't know why, but we can break their grip, and have actually a stronger grip over them.
Jan 21 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

no contact

for at least the first 18 - 24 months or until you have DEPROGRAMMED and gotten your PTSD under control... checking FB, googling them, looking, checking IS CONTACT and SHOULD NOT BE DONE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!! AFTER you're deprogramming - which may be years. You might want to check just to watch your back and know where to block their access to you. The only reason I found out about Psycho-Boy's new identity was 3 years after - he was SMEARING ME ONLINE and I got a heads up from people who knew me. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 21 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

helpme...

Well, you probably will look, I totally get that. Just keep in mind if he does win, it's because he managed to con the people judging. It will only be a fleeting 'victory', soon to wear off, and then he'll be on to the next thing to give him a rush. All in an attempt to fill an empty soul. But I'll be hoping he gets shafted instead, just because he's an idiot.
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #14)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

I hope he gets shafted too

The win is all the superficial.. who know what crap and evil he dealt to get some sort of award. Just to get an award. Where is true North.
Jan 21 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

if he doesn't win,...

I have this big feeling he might contact me..
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

helpme...

If he does try to contact you, please don't answer! This is the BEST way to let him know, who cares?? (telling him that you don't care, still means that you care to an N...sick stuff!)
Jan 21 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
helpmefromn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

quietude

You are so right. My best friend said that too -- like so what - that'll wear off. But still I know right now he is awaiting the day and plus, he has this young 20 year old model gf that I wnder if he he'll bring. And it is so true -- I wondered who he conned into getting nominated -- I was shocked actually to see his company was nominated -- it's not that good, and plus he doesn't do anything -- he has others do things for him, he just moves things around. Big SIGH ... anyway -- you are right -- I should probably prepare myself for him winning though, huh?
Jan 21 - 7PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I have two boys too...

I always tell them to treat people the way they want to be treated. They say that if any guy mistreats their little sister, they will punish his lights out. So far, the only jerk who has hurt her is her narc father!
Jan 21 - 6PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

bluemoon

I have two boys too, I LOVE having boys...they are so awesome! I grew up with sisters, so I didn't know the first thing about raising boys?? I think they turned out pretty good, but I'm their mom, so... And they hate what I went through with the ex-fiance. To quote my 18 year-old, "He's a douche-bag, Mom". The younger one was very pissed off my ex left again...and he's a laid-back kid. My older one wasn't surprised, he pegged the ex long before it dawned on me what I was dealing with (he even said to me a while back, "Mom, it's all about him!"). Too funny... He told me in a very matter of fact way, I can do what I want, but he won't support me if I ever get involved with the ex, or anyone like him again. Can you blame him? I can't. He said, if you take him back, just know that you will have a crazy person in your life. It was too painful for them to sit on the sidelines being polite for so long watching this... Yes, there are great guys out there. I just think they're outnumbered by a-holes. For every one decent guy out there, there are probably 100's of women who would love to meet him. I don't know the stats, I just know from 'living it'...what friends have gone through, being around support groups. It's evident, it's sad, but I agree that we can do our best to educate the people near and dear to us, especially the males. And James is our resident GOOD GUY! :)
Jan 23 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

quietude

To quote my 18 year-old, "He's a douche-bag, Mom". The younger one was very pissed off my ex left again...and he's a laid-back kid. LOL! My oldest (at the time 15) too had her pegged long before I saw all the hurt and pain caused to my children. I knew J was sly and spend a lot of time in his room. But I always thought it more his personality then having personal problems with his mother. Not until after she left did my oldest start to open up with me and tell me things I just didn't see or want to see. My oldest son's personality improved greatly after she left and he is now healing by leaps and bounds. My youngest too was "pissed" at her action and emotionally shut down for awhile. My youngest loved his mother very much and I saw all the pain in those (son) beautiful eyes. I often wonder if they even know how all their actions effect their own children? I for one don't really believe they do.. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jan 21 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

I love that "he's a douche

I love that "he's a douche bag..." comment!!!! That is SO perfect! You all sound like you have the best kids- we are all so lucky! And I PROMISE, my sons will never be a perpetrator against any of your daughters.
Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

bluemoon

LOL, I know...usually I try to do the responsible mom thing and go 'tsk tsk' when they say naughty stuff, but this was a very organic reaction from a kid who seldom gets angry. I knew he was serious, I agreed with him, happy that they have my back, but also sad that I exposed them to this nutjob. I'm just glad that he didn't want to spend much time with them, esentially, (whole other story), so thank goodness not that 'much' exposure. Thank you for saying that..and I agree, we are VERY lucky to have such great kiddos!
Jan 21 - 5PM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

BlueMoon

Interesting topic BlueMoon for I too have two boys. As any parent I worry about my sons and hope they will grow up with their own sense of self and self-love. There is a balance of more or less “good” narcissistic traits we all share. Also knowing that Personality Disorders are both genetic and environmental that too gives me great thought on how both of them will turn out. I have tried hard to share my understanding on PD’s and how to look for the many red flags both with others and also with ourselves. I know my oldest (18) have been keen on the subject and use this knowledge wisely. The other son (15) is still all boy but I see promise also in him as relating to empathy and a love of others. In the end I guess I can only hope both will learn to behave in an adult manner peppered with empathy love and compassion. One main goal in my own personal life is to stop the cycle of abuse but we must also teach our children of the many forms of abuse and its nature so that they too will learn not to allow abuse in their life which has a long effect on not only their life but the life of those who are nearest and dearest. Maybe as victims and survivors we have a great opportunity to teach our children the many dangers of being dysfunctional and how it will effect them if they choose not to get the help they need if or when it become a problem in they personal life.. I believe we can stop the cycle of abuse if one understands it and see how it must end with one's self first and foremost. Our children learn more with our own actions then with our own words. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jan 21 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
grossot
grossot's picture

parents of boys

I just want to thank those of you who have raised mature, emotionally healthy boys. Those of us with girls appreciate knowing there's hope for our little princess' to find prince charming (of the human variety!). http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

Jan 21 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

I have a son too.

I have a 19 year old son who is still very sweet, kind and loving. He has his first "real" girlfriend now and I notice they both pick things that each likes to do. They will go to the zoo because she likes it, then they'll see a movie he wants to see. I think he's got a good sense of compromise. One night my daughter's friends were here and they were dissing on this guy another friend was dating. They were really ripping on him then one of them looked at my son and said, "Sorry" and I told him if he listens to his sister and her friends about the serious stuff he will be a good boyfriend and husband.