Thinking of him...

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#1 Jan 29 - 9PM

so lost

Thinking of him...

I have read so many posts and stories on here. I know there isn't anything anyone can really say that hasn't already been said, but I guess I still need a supportive place to let out what I'm feeling.

It has been about 1.5 weeks I have stayed no contact. Nothing, none at all. He text me twice 1.5 weeks ago that I didn't respond to and I haven't heard a word from him since. I know that should be a good thing, but still leaves me obsessing with thoughts - what is he doing, is he with someone, does he miss me? Does he feel the great emptiness in him that I feel?

I know for certain he was an N, his own therapist has agreed, BUT I think he got trapped somewhere in between the 2 worlds, if that's possible!? I have read before that if they suffer a great enough N injury/loss/trauma that it could hit them hard enough to make them lose some of their N traits and get closer to what would be a true self with true emotional (empathy)capabilities?? I don't know if that is really true

7 years before I met him he was in a car accident with 3 other people. 1 girl died, 1 girl became permanently unable to walk, and him and the other guy (the driver) walked away from it. It was a faulty tire that caused it. They were all friends and it completely turned his world upside down. From things he has told me, I believe he was full blown N, on the far spectrum of bad before this accident. After the accident, he still holds many many N traits, but he wrestled with his own self continuously. Constant inner conflict of who he was and who he should be. He was open with everything. Sometimes hating himself for how he is and how he was with me, most of the time though he took the approach of this is just who he is and I had to accept it. And I tried so hard to accept it because when it was good, it was really good, beyond amazing. But trying to accept it and absorb all of his behaviors has nearly destroyed me

I guess I'm just rambling now... I miss him. I wonder why he is sticking to no contact and not trying to come back this time? I know any time I spend on thinking about what he is doing is time I am taking away from moving forward, but it's so so hard.

I had an appt with a psychiatrist on Monday, she started me on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds and I have a therapy appt, but not til 2 weeks from now. Sometimes I feel so incredibly strong, so certain this is the best thing for me to be away from him and feel so good about it, and then almost in an instant I can fall into such a low and sad place, missing him so much... Thanks so much for listening... I have been reading posts on here for almost a year and the posts have been so comforting to me sometimes during those low low times, thank you all. I'm sorry we have all suffered what we have suffered

#2 Jan 30 - 5PM

so lost

THANK YOU!

Thank you ALL so much for your words and advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Quietude, yours sounds very much like mine "I'd have to drop whatever I was doing and respond to all of it; if not, I was not 'sensitive to his needs'. I was always there to hold his hand and be a compassionate listener. I was the perfect sounding board for him, and he knew it. He was a total emotional vacuum." That is completely how it was with him. Always him having emotional breakdowns, and me always having to drop everything for him. But God forbid I were to be emotional about something. Then I was just "unstable" and he would say that wasn't good for his life to have someone emotionally unstable. The thing is, and he KNOWS this, I wasn't emotionally unstable until everything HE has put me through. I have told him that, and his response was always - then I guess you should be away from me. He also knows my childhood was rough and he would throw that at me alot. He would say my now emotional instability couldn't all be from him, it is just all stuff from my childhood and he was just a man that couldn't decide whether or not to be in a relationship with me. That's all he sees of the situation. He says he TRIED to be with me, what more could I want from him?? Agnesmurphy- I think you are sooo incredibly right on the therapy stuff. I think he learns sooo much about how you are "suppposed" to feel and what women want so he can pretend to be that. He has been in therapy ever since shortly after the accident.. 6 years or more! He completely idolizes his therapist, thinks she is the greatest thing ever, though I suppose he would cause he gets to go in there and have it be all about poor little him and I think she coddles him. I want to be clear, she has said he is NARCISSISTIC, but did not lable him full NPD. He asked her one day if he was narcissistic and she said Yes. Then I guess she got out that big book that gives the specific descriptions of disorders and they went over the criteria list for full NPD and she asked what did he think about that list and he agreed it was him EXCEPT for the lack of empathy part. He thinks he is SOOOOO incredibly empathetic. He wouldn't know empathy if it slapped him upside the head. She agrees with him though and tells him he has a very empathetic heart?? I figure either she has completely missed the boat on him and cause he goes in there and puts on his show of tears and sobs and says how he never wants to hurt anyone she falls for that? OR if she knows the real deal and maybe has her reasons she feels it would do more harm than help to tell him he has NO empathy. Mine was also so proud he was "sensitive". He loves to take that approach with girls and they (including myself) completely fall for it. I'm sure he is out there now telling others how hurt he has been by me and all the pain I caused and I just didn't understand him, he is so complex. Such a load of crap. He believes all of that though - how special and complex he is. And he text on my son's birthday (one of the last texts I got from him that I didn't respond to) because I don't want him in and out of my son's life. I know it is better to have him out NOW before he could do any significant damage (my baby just turned 5) I get worried he already has created damage just because my son now has an unstable mom. He so very much doesn't desrve that. The love for my son and what he deserves is what motivated me to finally go no contact. Anyway, I also am sure he is going around saying how heartless I am cause here he was trying to reach out to my son and tell him happy birthday and I am so cold to not respond at all... I'm working on trying to not care what he thinks or what he tells others And I loved the light socket example - so so so true!! Thank you ALL again for your words and support!!!!

#3 Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #14)

TexN (not verified)

So lost...

Whatever you do, KEEP THE NARC AWAY from your child! He will do the same to him as he's done to you! My sons were 4 & 6 when i got with the narc. He insisted that the boys called him "Dad". He wanted everyone to think those were his sons. I have to admit, he did treat them as his own, in his own dysfunctional way. As they got older though, everything he bought them, whether it was for birthdays or Christmas, he took back. Guns, knives, flashlights, dirt bike, four wheelers, money. After seven years he walked out on us & never looked back. He broke their little hearts & i hate him for that! We have a daughter together & he doesn't come see her either. She cries for him as well. Last night she said, "Mommy, if i close my eyes like this, I get to see my grumpy daddy". (that breaks my heart!)

#4 Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

Ellen

TexN

Hi, Which bit breaks your heart...that she closes her eyes to see him or that she calls him grumpy. Lets hope she never stops calling him grumpy and that she has to close her eyes to see him. This way she has a chance in life. You need to worry when she sees him in real life and she stops thinking he's grumpy. Then my heart would break for her. Right now my heart rejoices for her.

#5 Jan 31 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

rache

My N

could turn on the RIVER of tears at command,but,he could turn them off just as quick.I saw this Jekkel and hyde routine so much it did not phase me.My tears had no affect on him except to flustrate him(he was very easily flustrated)

#6 Jan 31 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

agnesmurphy17

So Lost

N says his therapist says he's got empathy! Emphasis on 'he says' here. But, on the other hand, maybe he's got her snookered, after all, he's been in therapy with her six years! We know he wouldn't be there unless he's getting some sort of supply from her. Frankly, after six years of seeing him, I believe she knows. But, psychiatrists & therapists generally donot lable & do not want the patients to know their own diagnosis. In my job I get psychiaric records of my clients, often I am asked by the shrink NOT to reveal the contents of the records to my client, their patient. I was married to my N. I left him. Exactly 4 months to the day I left him, a new women moved into the house & still owned, a house that contained all my possessions (which N wouldn't allow me to retrieve). My N was devastated that I left him! Wept blood to a string of women concerning his broken heart. Including the friend of a colleague of his--this friend was a professional handholder, a psychiatrist. Yep. This female psychiatrist moved in with my N exactly four months after his wife left him. She opened the door to the house I own and showed me which rooms I could enter & which rooms I could not--in the house I own! You see, suddenly N wanted my possessions out & threatened to throw everything out. He threw my possessions in boxes & broke so many fragile & precious items. Psychiatrist? She may still think he is the best thing since sliced bread for all I know. I have no contact with him or anybody who knows him. This is how good my N is--he can twist & manipulate a shrink. For how long I wonder? I have read stories on the internet of female psychologists, psychiatrists & medical doctors who have fallen in love with these dudes & really been taken for a ride for several years. Love makes one stupid.

#7 Jan 31 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

rache

agnesmurphy17

my own shrink told me he didnt know if HE could resist falling for one of these pathologicals out there in the world outside his office! So what/why are we kicking ourselves for??????DANG,sometimes i wish i could make a guy fall for me that easy/quick,LOL.

#8 Jan 30 - 11AM

4joys4

He doesn't hate himself and

He doesn't hate himself and he doesn't struggle with who he is! That's his game. Narcs don't have what you have. They don't think like that. Don't be conned. You need to read read read here until it sinks in that they are not like us. Keep the no contact going.

#9 Jan 30 - 9AM

Carolyn

You are in the first stage

You are in the first stage of no-contact and you are in withdrawl. You need to incorporate a good excercise program to raise your endorphin level. you are mourning a situation that you left because it is toxic. Your intellectual intelligence is telling you to stay NO CONTACT but your emotional intelligence is telling you CALL HIM. The two intelligences are creating an exhausting conflict internally for you. This stage passes and you will feel much better. Try swimming, walking, take a yoga class, and start reading. Books and yoga got me out of the stage that you are in now. Here is a good meditation to say in the morning and before bed: I am freed from all resentment or attachment toward or from emotional pain, people, places or things of the past or present. I manifest my true peole, I am receiving all the unlimited health that the universe has for me now, and I am blessed with the true prosperity and riches that the universe is sending to me now. Some affirmations: I hold serentiy within me and I look ahead in my life I am worthy of true love and affection I have good fortune and peace within I release the past My focus is on my life ahead I am at peace and in control Reason and wisdom are within me I am at peace with myself and others I release these thoughts for my own well-being Your new life is right around the corner and has great possibilites. His car accident is not an excuse for his abuse. He is what he is and will never change. Go forward and find a good destiny. You have a kind heart and you hate leaving him behind but he gives you no other choice. Go for it!

#10 Jan 30 - 8AM

quietude (not verified)

so lost

I'm sorry you're in such pain, we know how this feels. You are less than 2 wks NC, this is very very fresh for you. I found there is no way to avoid the pain, but you can do things to help minimize it. I honestly wanted to go into a deep sleep in the beginning, for a couple of months just to get through. Do things just for YOU, to make yourself feel better (healthy things, of course!) Time to spoil yourself. Hopefully, your therapist understands this level of abuse. YOu may want to speak to her about working you in for more frequent appts. in the beginning. My ex was similar to yours, the tragedies in his life, his regrets, and (apparently) he had cancer before he met me, which was in remission by the time he did...and how he thinks it changed him (not for the better). He was always in an emotional struggle, stating he had so much guilt for not getting to see his younger children by and ex GF. He's send me long e-mails about how much he's effed up in life, yada...yada...yada.... I'd have to drop whatever I was doing and respond to all of it; if not, I was not 'sensitive to his needs'. I was always there to hold his hand and be a compassionate listener. I was the perfect sounding board for him, and he knew it. He was a total emotional vacuum. He'd also do the martyr thing big time ~ "nobody appreciates what I do". He was all over the place. The point is, no matter what they SAY, it's all geared to keep you under their control. My ex played the part of the GOOD GUY, always helping, self-sacrificing, but had that dark, troubled side. That's how I saw him at the time. Now, I know what he really is, it's so clear. But I've also been away from him for nearly a year, and have done a lot of recovery work. I also had doubts in the beginning; those will likely fade the more you work on healing. My therapist told me that N's can have a very traumatic event that can open a small window of opportunity for them to want to seek help. But she was realistic saying that even IF they did seek help, chances are, it wouldn't last. It wouldn't be long before their grandiosity took over again. Sorry, but from what I've read, I don't think there is a case on record of a totally recovered Narc. Because he appears to feel guilty (yes, only appears to), that doesn't mean he isn't abusive. No matter what their outstanding traits are (there was a post here about different types of abusers, you may see him in some of those), the end result is always the same, emotional abuser. Mine carefully studied me and knew what he could and couldn't get away with. Sometimes he teetered on the edge of what he knew I might not put up with, they are always, always testing the waters. It's very tough, but its' so worth getting away from them.

#11 Jan 30 - 6AM

agnesmurphy17

Broken Heart

You are suffering from a broken heart. You loved the magic this man created. However, that's what it was magic--smoke & mirrors. You say that this man has had a diagnosis of NPD? Wow! Confirmation from the psychiatric profession which does not like to lable people. Stay clear. You have NO DOUBT as to what he is. Now, you write in to tell us how you feel. And, what do you do? Tell us all about HIS tragic car accident & how that affected him. If he's a true narcissist, what he learned in that accident is HOW it should have affected him (sounds like he had massive therapy for the trauma) & parrots what he learned he should feel. Why? Because it gets him sympathy! Sorry to be so hard. But, if he's an N . . . trust me. Mine did the same thing. Mine has a reputation for being a "sensitive" man . . . a man who can express his emotions verbally, unlike most men. Mine is so proud of this quality. Mine when through almost 10 years of family therapy with his first wife. Mine learned the drill & how to twist & manipulate others using theraputic techniques. My N's supporters are all women. Sucks them in to sooth his pain & he's such an in-touch-with-his-feelings man that he can even weep. Do you know how tears affect women? Women seem to be genetically programed to react to tears. He's not contacting you for one of several, if not, all the following reasons. He's got a new woman, or pursuing several. Or, he's absolutely enraged that he lost control over you & is punishing you but will appear again when he thinks you regret enough to be submissive once again. Or, he's getting his supply somewhere else, that is, just busy, but will turn up again when he is bored. Also, N's do not change. This belief that a traumatic experience can effect a change? Well, psychiatry is a business. There must be some hope to generate fees. Can't say hopeless case because then there is no income there. Also, a traumatic experience for an N is one that causes him a loss of some kind & was too painful. Such as when I was a child I stuck a toy into a light socket. I was very small & I still remember the jolt. Boy, I never did that again. But, hey, do you think I cared that I could have short-circuited the power in the whole house or even caused an electrical fire which would have destroyed the house? Heck no! All I cared about was that even though I wanted to play plugging a toy into a socket . . . that was too painful to me. This is how N's change too. Whatever is too painful to them. What their pain is? Who knows? They are just so different. Stay away from him. He will use you & abuse you over & over & over. With him your life will alternate between magical episodes & abusive episodes. Gradually, the magical episodes will become shorter & less & less frequent. The abusive episodes will become longer & escalate in intensity. Eventually, your life will be dominated by fear of abuse & then being abused. And unending cycle.

#12 Jan 30 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

rache

agnesmurphy17

So very true! A psychiatrist told me that narcissists do not change and are made WORSE by treatment!i saw this man-doc(who is from Romania)when i ended up in psych ward after my divorce thinking i was having a nervous breakdown.And,they DO get worse.Mine cannot go 2-3months without RAGING.Then,it got down to 3x a week rages.Mine is 66 and still chasing women like a dog running after cars(hope the sob gets ran over!)

#13 Jan 30 - 4AM

GettingOut

so lost

An N doesn't change and, no, he isn't thinking about the emptiness you feel. H'es not built that way. He's probably already prowling around for his next victim which is why you haven't heard from him. The N I was with would occasionally say things along the lines of how sorry he was and he couldn't believe what he had done and he was shocked at himself, blah, blah, blah. And then he'd hit or emotionally abuse me again. When an N is telling you that they hate themselves, etc., it's just babble and manipulation to get you back. It's pushing buttons that have worked and they knew just what to do to rope you in. When I told mine there was no chance for reconcilation, he went out and got a GF immediately, identified her as his soul-mate and fell in love within two weeks. This after being married for 29 years. It was that easy for him. Prior to that he would yell and scream and when that didn't work he got all remorseful or confused as to why I was divorcing him. After the GF he would yell that he wanted me out of his life. I get low too but not about missing him. I've been in my therapists office uncontrollably sobbing and confused and just incredibly distraught over the abuse the N inflicted. Stay no contact as is suggested. My understanding is that things will get better for you but you have to give it some time.

#14 Jan 29 - 10PM

rache

Nothingless

They are empty empty and cannot even begin to feel what we do.

#15 Jan 30 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

Steph

that's why it's soooo easy

that's why it's soooo easy for them to move from one relationship to the next soooooo quickly.

#16 Jan 29 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

so lost

it takes 18 months, at the least... to get past this. read & re-read the blog post on Obsessional thoughts He feels NOTHING. I repeat NOTHING. He's disordered, incurable and NOT HUMAN. hang in there and NO CONTACT

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