Things to do Instead of CALLING HIM!

SEE WHOLE THREAD ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

'Drastic times call for drastic measures!' I have done/do all the things listed by others and find all work in varying degrees on different days, however I find the hardest part is actually getting motivated to do something in the first place, especially weekends when I don't have the structure of work. On my worst days it is hard to get dressed, or get off the settee, or out of my own head, let alone get out of the flat. When I first left my abusive partner I started to abuse myself in other ways,it was as if I felt I didn't deserve anything good or nice to happen. I guess I was scared of the unknown and scared to branch out, abuse had been my home, it was my security blanket. I reached for cigarettes and the phone and ran up massive phone bills to friends reliving all the cruelty of my former life. Sometimes I'd even forget to eat. I was so demotivated at one point I made a list in my journal called, 'A hundred ways to get off the settee!' It was so hard to break the destructive cycle! At least when I read this list now I can see that my sense of humour and my spirit never completely died! I also have a list of 100 places I can go and 100 things I can buy/do for myself. I find it helps to have these to hand and in writing the lists I pushed my own boundaries and found I was capable of being very creative! I also bought a big glass jar and put it on the kitchen windowsill. Each evening while I was cooking my tea I wrote on three individual slips of paper three things I had noticed that made me happy/made me smile, or stirred my soul during the day. Doing this made me more aware of what made me tick, as when I first left my partner I had no idea who I was anymore. As I saw the pile in the jar grow I knew my life, like the jar, was filling up again. The slips also acted as a reminder when I felt low. I guess you could say, 'I bottled my feelings'. Anyway it worked for me and enabled me to see I was making progress. I also had a three friends I knew wouldn't collude with me in my misery. Only one lived nearby and she would say things like, 'I'm taking you out Sunday and I expect you to wear makeup and heels' (This is so not me, but it worked as she was hard to refuse). At other times she would phone and say: 'Hi do you fancy making soup', so we would cook and chat and then eat a healthy meal together'. She had been through something similar and always offered pearls of wisdom, even though she is twenty five years my junior! The other two who lived at a distance would answer their phones even if I rang after midnight; both changed my definition of friendship and I am so grateful to them for being there. When I got over the motivation problem I found the following useful: shopping for nice food, cooking it and eating it, inviting a friend round for a meal, cleaning and decorating, putting music on and dancing, reading, buying a magazine on a new topic, buying a fashion magazine and putting at least one idea in to practice, doing something kind for an elderly neighbour(someone who appreciates it, not like the narcissist), sending a tiny surprise gift to a friend for no reason, wear pyjamas and cuddle a teddy, grow some herbs of flowers in pots (even if you don't have a garden),have a pampering session at home, or out if you can afford it, go somewhere you've never been before (a different park, a different shop,different town), change your routine (get up with the sun, or walk a different route to work), do something you've always meant to do (I learnt to ride a motorbike), e.g. change your hairstyle, go out on impulse.............and put your mobile phone in the drawer! Better still remove his number or change your own phone number. And one other thing, wear a hair elastic on your wrist and when you are tempted to phone him, ping it to remind you of all the times he hurt you! The sting usually works!

I just recently gained some objectivity with the N's projection techniques. I turned it around by making post-it notes with all of the negative things he said about me and the names he called me. I wrote each one one a post it note and made a chart and looked at it for awhile. I began to realize that they were labels that he felt applied to HIM, but couldn't face them, so he projected them onto me. This really helped me get some clarity about who I am. I also made a list of all of the awful characteristics he has on my notes section of my IPhone and I look at it whenever I feel like calling him. This helps.

Color, paint, draw, write stories, poetry, journals, read a great novel, call a friend, go to bed early, get a massage, all the while reminding yourself Why you should not contact him. Play it out in your mind ahead of time. I do this and it is extremely helpful to me. What do I say when he answers? What does he say? How does the rest of the "conversation" go? Let's guess: criticism of me. Hanging up on me. Calling Me crazy. Done. No more. CM

To add to your list ~(well, this is after weeks of no contact)... I have this little scenario that I run through when I have even the slightest need to contact him: If I called my exN, he'd take that as, WOOHOO, VICTORY! See, she can't live without me, I knew it! I am all powerful and magical, I can get her to take me back NO MATTER WHAT...! muuuhaha He'd probably be just nice and loving enough so as not to turn me off altogether, but I'm sure work into the conversation how deeply hurt he is that I haven't called until now, and do I know what HIS life has been like without the contact, and how HE'S so lonely, HE'S so sad, I'm all he has...how could I not understand that he loves me, didn't our love ever mean anything?? *barf* (oh, he's actually said some of this crap in e-mails so I know he thinks this way). And...I'm absolutely certain that he'd make my life even more of a HELL than it ever was (PAYBACK!) for ignoring him...oh ya, YEARS worth of reminders, the guilt. Oh the mental torture I can just imagine! I'm so glad to know this without having to actually relive it. I just think of that, and that's enough to make me NEVER contact him again.