Terrified of Men

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#1 Jun 23 - 5AM
Lobo555
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Terrified of Men

Apologies to the men on here! I don't mean you! :) Nor do I mean the wonderful men who are my friends and relatives.

I'm talking about the ones who end up taking me out. I've dated some great guys who broke things off for one reason or another (usually they didn't want a relationship or went back to an old girlfriend).

However, I've had such a run of bad luck over the past few years that even thinking about dating a guy terrifies me. I was asked on a date recently, agreed to go, then when the ball was put back in my court to call the guy, well. . . I haven't been able to bring myself to do so.

Let's work backwards for a brief history. Most recently was CharlieSheenWinning, narc extraordinaire. On and off with him for years as he didn't want a relationship and I did. Finally broke it off with him just over 3 months ago because he said he was still not over an old girlfriend who dumped him 2 yrs. ago. He met up with a woman he'd only met once before the day after I broke things off. He married her 3 weeks later. Cue major CD and crying continuously for me while he struts around town happy and in love. (And drunk -- I've heard they drink all the time.)

Before him there was Lotso, named after the bear in Toy Story 3 because he seemed nice but was evil. Lotso was the model town citizen, helped the veterans, loved by all. Nice guy. Started to date him -- found he was into porn and he belittled me for my lack of oral sex ability. Broke up with me via email when I called him "boyfriend" after 2 1/2 months of dating. Said he was never my boyfriend -- I had gotten the wrong idea.

Before that was The Eunuch -- named because he never had the balls to actually break up with me. Just stopped returning my calls and emails after 2 months of dating. We had been friends for years. He'd already pulled the never-calling-me-back routine 2 years prior when I dated him. I still took him back like an idiot and let him do it to me a second time.

Before *that* there was the Stalker who, after 3 weeks wanted to be together constantly. Wouldn't listen when I said I needed to slow things down. Badgered me via phone, email, and chased down my friends until I had to threaten police action and run to my brother's house because I was afraid he'd show up on my steps yelling, "STELLA! STELLA!" like in Streetcar Named Desire.

It's been a harrowing ride.

Does anyone else have a history that causes them to be terrified of what may come next? Is it possible to get over that? I can't take even one more bad date, much less another relationship. I've reached the end of my rope.

Jun 23 - 9AM
naive46
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Lobo555....it will get better...it is possible

I am one of those women who almost threw away a great marriage over my N. My husband and I have been together for 22+ years. We were in a phase of autopilot in our marriage and hadn't had sex in years. (On a side note, someone else had asked how this is possible. I think after we had our second child, we were exhausted from full time corporate jobs, 2 small children, I realize now I was depressed, etc. etc. We just quit connecting in that way...) So...along came my N and made me feel desired again. You know who's fault that really was? Mine. I always expected my husband to step up to the plate and break us out of our rut. You know what I realize now (I'm in counseling by the way)...he was being respectful to me in his way as I was giving off vibes that I didn't want to connect with him. Can I blame him?? I didn't express my needs either. So, getting back to the point....back in my dating days I wouldn't "like" someone unless I was crazy physically attracted to them. Those were far and few and, you know what? They were always guys who were selfish and typically addicts of some kind. I got tired of it and said this is crap. I quit "seeking" and worked on me. I worked out every day, got together with friends, enjoyed a full life and career. You know what? At one of the most positive times of my life, I met my husband. It wasn't "love at first site" but he met my new definition of whom I would date. 1. Had to be employed and financially self sufficient, 2. Had to treat me well, and 3. (related to number 2.) Had to call me and ask me out formally if he wanted to date. Over time, I did fall in love with my husband who treats me really well. He still does....we were experiencing what a lot of mid-life couples do and we're back on track. I'll tell you, this whole N experience has reinforced what I do have. I always tell people "God gave me what I needed, not what I thought I wanted" in my husband. I always assumed I'd marry a professional man that wore a suit and tie to work. My husband has college degrees but works with his hands -- engineer and machinist and now has over 20 patents. He is very quiet and reserved but it works for us. Best wishes to you. I read over and over on this board the age old -- find happiness on your own and don't lean on someone else to do it. I do believe if you send out positive energy and fulfillment, you will attract that in return. Hugs to you.
Jun 24 - 4AM (Reply to #9)
Lobo555
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Positive Energy

"back in my dating days I wouldn't "like" someone unless I was crazy physically attracted to them." Yep, I've done a fair share of that and paid for it. I did grow to love a very good man who I wasn't wildly attracted to at first. But he left because he was still in love with his ex-wife. I feel like I can't win either way. I do believe in positive energy. But fear overrides it. It's probably just too early to be thinking about this crap. It's only been 3 months since CharlieSheenWinning. I'm glad your husband is a good guy and you're away from the narc. As for someone working with his hands -- I've always preferred that type of man. No corporate b.s. :)
Jun 23 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
naive46
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I'd also like to add....

Lobo...my father was an alcoholic and I was absolutely terrified of boys in high school and men in college. I had absolutely no idea how to have a healthy relationship as it was not modelled for me in my home. I am your typical adult child of an alcoholic as I struggle with trusting and intimacy BIG TIME!!! So...I have my issues and I do get your struggle. One thing that I'm out of the loop on is dating at mid-life and available men -- so that has it's own set of challenges. My brother in law is getting divorced as I think his wife is an N. He is an awesome guy...he's feeling like no one would ever want to date him. He's a hottie but just beat down by his soon to be ex.
Jun 24 - 4AM (Reply to #8)
Lobo555
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I had a wonderful childhood

I had a wonderful childhood but a really f'd up adulthood. It's my adulthood that's caused my intimacy and trust issues. Sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. Narcs do so much damage. It's so sad.
Jun 23 - 8AM
Sparrow
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I hear ya! I am in the same

I hear ya! I am in the same boat! I'm not afraid of men though, I am disgusted with them. No interest in any of them any more in a love capacity. Maybe in time, in years....who knows. Friends are concerned because I was such a loving, compassionate, caring person who wanted to please the man I was with and make him happy and love him and now they hear a whole different attitude and they feel bad. I didn't make me this way, they did........I no longer have the willingness to trust and love a man, pretty sad but it is what it is. Call me a man-hater, I probably am, never was. When you have every male friend you ever had come out of the woodwork, circling like vultures after your husband leaves, you would think it flattering, but it's not, it's disgusting.......
Jun 24 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
Lobo555
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Friends

Yes, my friends keep telling me to move on and get someone else to get over CharlieSheenWinning. Ick. Yes the vultures circle as soon as they know you're available. I had the same experience after my husband left me. It was creepy.
Jun 23 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Littleone
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Yep vultures is the right

Yep vultures is the right word for them!
Jun 24 - 4AM (Reply to #4)
Lobo555
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Sharks could be another!

Sharks could be another!
Jun 23 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Yep vultures is the right

Yep vultures is the right word for them!