Talk me off the ledge, please . . .

I'm so freakin' tired of feeling like this . . . 18 days of NC and it seems to get harder. The longest I've gone is 21 days (I think). I start out strong, and by the 3 week mark, I'm a blubbering idiot, crying over my lost fantasy man and the demise of our "someday" blah, blah, blah.

I typed several messages into my phone to him today. I DIDN'T SEND AND I WON'T. I hereby solemnly swear that I will NOT contact him.

I just want my life back. The obsessive thinking and crying fits to go away. My mind to be clear and engaged in the present. I don't want HIM. But I am still addicted to "contact."

We had an affair for 2.5 years, and I tried NC SOOO many times and failed. Then, once he was divorced, we tried dating for almost 2 years, and even then, I tried to end it a handful of times because I knew this was not the right guy for me. I didn't want to be with a known serial cheater, regardless of how much he professed he'd "changed." And then the emotional abuse kicked in and the constant cycle of D&Ds . . . and I knew I had to get out. That was in May. I broke a date, knew I needed to officially break up (and he knew I was on the verge) and he disappeared. Reappeared six weeks later with fresh NS and has tried since to engage with me in order to either 1) reject me, or 2) make things "amicable" so I'll keep the door open.

He's blocked. I'm committed to NC. But it HURTS and it's so hard! Why?! I don't WANT him. I want my fantasy guy, yes. But I KNOW that's not him. It was all an illusion.

So why is NC so fucking hard? :( (I'm venting to you because it's so much better than contacting him and healthier than eating the box of donuts on my table. I just need a shoulder right now. I hate this.)

-Juliette

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