Talk me off the ledge!

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#1 Sep 9 - 4PM
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

Talk me off the ledge!

So I know that this is going to sound crazy, and my rational side is in conflict with my emotional side on this. It has been 8 weeks NC (neither one of us speaking to the other), and for some reason I am getting this feeling of "being the bigger person" and reaching out to him. Not because I want him back, but because he was such a large part of my life, and I do not feel that adults should act this way and treat each other like strangers.

Again, I know it is crazy, but I started to have this feeling yesterday and it is still with me today. So I came here instead of to the phone.

Sep 10 - 9AM
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

WOW!

First of all a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to everyone here. Last night I drove to my best friends house and handed her my cell phone. I then went to the gym and worked out with my trainer for well over an hour. After grabbing something to eat and feeling better and having things in perspective, I went to pick up my phone. Desperate times call for desperate measures right? I am so very thankful that I have this forum to come to, my friends are sick of hearing about it and I do not talk to them about it anymore. I am in a much better place than I was in July or even August, but the last two days seem to have pushed me back a couple of steps. I wish I could figure out the triggers in my head that make me go to that place. He is not normal, and I will not get a normal response or even a healthy conversation out of him if I was to call, so why waste my time. I realize that it is ok to acknowledge the fact that I love him, and that I gave my all. That in itself is not failure. Thank you ALL again so much! Brad

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 10 - 9AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Brad, Brad, Brad

Isn't this the god damned kicker? WE are adult enough to realize that this was a meaningful relationship (to us), that the craziness is unnecessary, that adults who end relationships go on to be civil and pleasant to one another. When you step away, you regain that sense of normalcy and sanity, but guess who doesn't? The narc. While you have been reconciling with the situation and with him, he's been likely telling people you were a nutcase. He is not going to offer a mutual olive branch. He's going to make you feel like shit. Trust us on this one. You are an absolutely drop dead gorgeous man; focus your grounded, adult compassion on those who are worthy--who won't try to hurt you when you try to heal.
Sep 9 - 6PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

step away from the ledge!

step away from the ledge!
Sep 9 - 6PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Listen

Listen to what everyone is telling you! In your mind you seek closure. You want it to end between two adults. there's only one...you! Whatever you say will be used against you. they don't think like normal people. It's so hard to accept this but accept we must! I havent ever felt like some do that I could have done anything different to change them to make it work. I find it the hardest thing to deal with is that I meant no more to him after 9 years than the skanks he cheated with. I blame myself for putting me on a pedastil. He won't understand or appreciate what you have to say. You think it will make you feel better. Until he gives his cold unfeeling response to which you'll want to try and make him understand how that hurts you. he doesn't care. They're cold and heartless. come here like you did. we'll listen to you and hear what you are saying. Because we do care.
Sep 9 - 5PM
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

NC IS being the bigger person

I hear where you're at - we all do, believe me! But, I get the sense from what you've written that it feels like a sort of stand-off to you and yes, when we counsel children in the playground we tell them that being stubborn isn't a good thing. But THIS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT because you are the adult here and it's not about who can hold out the longest, it's about you having built up 8 weeks of NC because you care about you! Like others have said here, it's not the bigger person who caves in to these N's, it's the bigger person who can love themselves enough to stay away from harmful, dangerous people, which is what this guy has been to you. Please stay NC and take care of you.
Sep 9 - 5PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

i know what that is

you are looking for validation from him, that's why. you feel like you are being petty, mean or whatever and you are afriad he thinks that, and that if you call, and get your fix, maybe you can have him in your life peacefully. i think we all go through that stage. of course you want his approval. you were brainwashed. go get a pedicure, or do something sweet for someone who actually love syou and will appreciate it. get your validation that way. hugs!! good job... DON'T CALL!!!
Sep 9 - 4PM
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

Get off the Ledge!

I am only 5 days NC, so you are doing so well - don't spoil it now. Am only a novice at this, and had a very wobbly moment earlier thinking I needed to contact HIM to ask him some questions about what he had done, and the lovely folks here talked me out of it .... much better to post here where you will get coherent, practical answers than try to argue the toss with someone who can't or won't listen. x
Sep 9 - 4PM
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

Deep Breath

So I had to get up from my desk and take a walk after I posted. I am so thankful for the responses when I got back. I am still not over this little hurdle, but I will spend the rest of today thinking about why the relationship ended. I will no call him, as hard as it is for me to type this, and as the tears begin to well up in my eyes, I just can't be subject to his coldness. But I do just want to hear his voice once more. That is where I am struggling. I have not cried in some time, but I think it is about to pour out of my eyes in my office. "Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Its Ok to cry, and let it

Its Ok to cry, and let it out. Like Betty said, take some time for yourself, because it is only you that deserves your own love and compassion now. Sending you some {{{HUGS}}, we know how you feel, and it will get better.

Nevergoback

Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Be kind to yourself today

Be kind to yourself today and know that this is a process and a painful one at times. It will pass. The light is there if you stay the course. I know your in tremendous pain but dont let it take you to a place of more pain down the road. A little pain now or a lot later. It is always far worse the second,third or fourth time around. If you can excuse yourself from work, go outside for some air hun. Know that everyone is here waiting for you when you return. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 9 - 4PM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

OriginalMe

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal, and as you get to a place of understanding, it is easy to start to convince yourself that you may be able to REACH him, if you are only given the opportunity to explain things in a rational manner. It is not that you want him back, as you have already said, it is because you are seeking closure. While initial contact may in fact have him admitting that maybe he may have been as some fault, this is where the hoovering starts, and you may feel that you are getting somewhere. While I do believe that an N can have moments of lucidity, they are always short lived and will quickly start to twist things back their own way. What you would be trying to deal with is a defense mechanism that is so powerful against facing their own true nature, that any normal thinking or feeling person cannot even begin to comprehend. I suppose the only thing we can do is turn our introspection to ourselves, rather than continue to wrestle with the idea that if we had just done things so and so, it would have made a difference. This is the delusion that we are guilty of, and one that we must recognize in order to move on. You are right in saying that adults should not be behaving in this way, but it pays to remember that when you are dealing with an N you are dealing with the emotional equivalent of a 6 year old in an adult body. It is not crazy to seek closure, it is just impossible to achieve with an N.

Nevergoback

Sep 9 - 4PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

OH LOVE, he was a big part

OH LOVE, he was a big part of your life but unfortunately the Narcs dont see this the same. You do want a reciprocated love dont you? If you contact him you have fed the monster, and this is not the bigger person. This is the opposite. Remember all the reasons you left this abusive relationship to begin with. You gave gave gave and he took took took. Do you really have it left to give anymore? Think hard before you act as you are surely setting your self back in recovery. Is he worth sacrificing your soul for? Think! Make a list of all the things he did that lead to the end. Read it, study and analyze it all. Share it with us. After you have done this tell me again why you want to reach out to him. And he will not take your attempt at reaching out as a sign of strength, he will see this as weakness and will make further attempt to exploit you. This is what they do best. Dont fall for it. lots of love Betty xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 9 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Nicole96
Nicole96's picture

Thank you Betty

That is a good idea. its so hard to remember to bring it back to the reality of things... the reality that was obvious, the real reasons it wasn't working and why it wont ever really work period. I get so wrapped up in the current nightmare and the current heartache... the chasing closure, apologies and justice but i know i need to stop putting so much of myself into this... it isn't worth it and i need to constantly find the reminders or examples to make me see this. Its like groundhog day a bit... having to wake up each morning and do all the work over again. start from scratch every day. Hopefully one day soon ill get it right and the cycle will stop.
Sep 9 - 4PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

You ARE the bigger person

When you go NC, you show that you are no longer rewarding childish behavior. It's not a sense of "punishing" the N (they don't get cause/effect, even if they belong to causality forums)... but of keeping yourself EMOTIONALLY safe. You were ALWAYS the adult, the bigger person in the "relationship." What you put into a relationship is what you get out of it... Ns put in nothing so they gain nothing. You put in your kindness, compassion, patience.... you still have those qualities.
Sep 9 - 4PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Two adults? I only see

Two adults? I only see one. I think your feelings are totally understandable. You did share a lot of time, and some of it was very good and meaningful. Except that with the way he operates, contact with him will open up a can of worms you may not be able to predict. You are coming at him with openness, love and vulnerability. You can pretty much guess what he'll do with THAT. What he ALWAYS did with it. Step on it, take a shit on it, ignore it, or twist it. The sad thing is, you can't share yourself normally with some people. You yearn to, but with this guy, it is like sticking your head into a blender and pushing PUREE. Just because you feel what you feel doesn't change WHO HE IS. Or what he'll do if you contact him.
Sep 9 - 4PM
sparky2009
sparky2009's picture

Yes two adults should be

Yes two adults should be able to come to an understanding and be friends. You are giving him too much credit don't give him the label of adult because then you are expecting adult actions and reactions from him. He is not a normal functioning adult so reaching out to him will make you feel like crap because he will either try to manipulate you or treat you like dirt either way it's no good. Stay no contact pat youself on the back and go talk to someone who deserves your sympathy and love because he definately does not.
Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Nicole96
Nicole96's picture

So True!

This is one of the reasons we have such a hard time dealing with these Ns. "Extreme narcissists are stuck in infancy and can only see their own needs" We are adults trying to deal with children who only look like adults!