Sweetwater's Story

So I have found myself on this forum because of a confusing and painful 2 year relationship / eventual breakup. When the breakup was fresh, I was a mess. I could not (still cannot) focus on anything, I had obsessive thoughts, I blamed myself, I thought about therapy, I felt like a failure, I contacted my ex repeatedly practically begging him to take me back, etc. I repeatedly did google searches about my situation, and they kept directing me toward "narcissistic male". So I looked more into it, completed the "is he a narcissist?" quizzes and all that (although I don't find much value in them) and eventually found this forum. After all of this, I still find myself on a confusing roller coaster and I feel like I need some support and insight. I guess now I will go into my story.

I met my now "ex" (I put this in quotes because since our breakup he has been keeping me on a line, within his reach) by chance, through mutual friends. The night we met I didn't even really give him a second thought, but the next day he had obtained my number through a friend and was sending me text messages. I was initially flattered, thinking that I must have really wowed this guy. At this time I was happily single and was not even seeking a relationship. Early twenties, living it up and having fun. Anyway, he kept sending me messages throughout the week and I eventually agreed to meet him at his place (it wasn't really his place, he lived in a friend's basement, unemployed). Let me just say, it was WHIRLWIND from the start. He put me on a huge pedestal. I didn't even get a chance to breathe, let alone think and analyze things. He was constantly complimenting me, checking up on me, wanting to be around me all the time despite my busy schedule, keeping tabs on me, and I mistook all of this as sweet. I thought "Wow, he must really have strong feelings for me". I was living in a dream, feeling so loved. We got along so well, and I ignored his warning signs. I am now finally realizing that all of this was never about me at all. He told me he loved me terrifying soon into the relationship. I accepted this and even reciprocated, completely ignoring my gut. Most of my friends and family had one word to describe him: Controlling. I got angry when they said this and ignored it, eventually ceasing to tell them anything bad he did, in protection of him. When I did get a chance to think, and talked to him about boundaries, he seemed very hurt and offended. I immediately felt guilty. This was the beginning of the very many guilt trips. While he was living with his friend and unemployed (wow, I feel like such an idiot for even beginning a relationship but I was just taken away by the whole thing and eventually was in love), he seemed very insecure. I pushed him to get a job (and eventually he became a manager at this company), and I gave him my old car when I got a new one. Above all and most importantly, I wholeheartedly supported and cared for him. I didn’t expect anything in return, except for love and some gratitude. This entire time of giving him support and love, I kept feeling like I wasn’t appreciated. I interpreted these feelings as me being too needy, expecting too much in return. I blamed myself for wanting more love. If I tried to talk to him, he told me he was doing all he can and I was too needy.

Then I caught him talking to other women. No physical interaction (that I knew of), but flirting. If I had done this, his controlling ass would have gone berserk. He was extremely controlling and always suspected me of cheating and lying, although I never gave him a reason. I feel like he took and took and took from me, and gained so much from me being so supportive of him. I genuinely wanted to help him and build up his confidence and be there for him. In reality, he leached onto me. He sucked the life and love out of me.

We eventually moved into together, and that’s when the shit hit the fan. He never wanted to lift a finger around our apartment, it was almost like he was above it. He would say “I just don’t feel like it” and I was expected to take this as an answer as I washed dishes, gathered laundry and cleaned up the piss he never managed to get into the toilet bowl. He would come home from work, smoke pot (excessively) and play video games or watch tv while I spent endless hours trying to get his attention, to get his initial love back. I tried to change myself to re-interest him! I began to feel like I was just there to have sex with him when HE felt like it, and to pay half the rent. I felt so lonely. I was always the one to think of plans, he would agree to take me out and then at the last minute he was “too tired” and we would just stay in. The sex became lazy also. He would lay there, ask me to get on top and claim he was tired from work (as if I wasn’t tired too from work and college). I would find porn in the web history, and I would bring this up only for him to become annoyed and say “I’m a guy!” like I just had to accept finding porn on my computer. Not just porn, sick and twisted porn. I began to feel unattractive, which was baffling because in the beginning he always wanted sex, always complimented me on my body and told me I was beautiful. I was beginning to LOSE MY MIND. I stopped getting my period for 3 months because of the stress. It was insane. I have always been sensitive to stress.

Everything he became to care about was work, and how high up the ladder he could climb. He would have conference calls once a week, and if he was praised by the higher-ups he would be in heaven. He would get a light in his eye and his face would turn into one of a child, pure ecstasy. He only got this light in his eye when he spoke of his own accomplishments. I felt second rate.

Our arguments were the worst. Everything was tit for tat, and I don’t think he ever apologized for one thing during our entire 2 years together. He would say hurtful things, he would bring up every little thing he could to use against me in order for him to win. If I stood up for myself, he would sulk for hours in silence, not even looking me in my eyes. He would literally use physical things to block himself from me if we were in the same room, like he would put his leg up on the couch to use his knee to block me from his view. This is a man who is close to 30. This made me feel so guilty, I would always be the one to apologize. He got his way every time. My tears would ultimately anger him, and any issue or talk I wanted to have was a major annoyance, interfering with his life.

I felt like I spent our entire relationship trying to dig and dig for emotions that I thought were there, buried deep down. But I now realize that he was completely shallow. He lied about so many things, I lost count.

We broke up because I was demanding too much from him, challenging him too much. But since this breakup, which was months ago, he has kept in contact and we have even had sex. I wanted to get back together so badly, but for months it has been him saying “I want to take it slow, and ease back into this”. But I feel like I am the only one who really wants something real. He is still controlling and questions me about men I have been with since our breakup. He lies to me and says he has not been with anyone, but I have found him on multiple dating sites. I still have obsessive thoughts about him. I even still want him back sometimes. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. I feel like I have lost my self-respect, and something has to change. I feel like I have lost self-respect because I am aware of so much, but I still have deep feelings for him.

Wow, that was a lot to get out.