sweetpea12's story

Trying to Break Free-SweetPea12

I am just realizing that I was in a relationship with a narc. It began 16months ago when I was going through a very difficult time in my marriage. He came along and swept me off my feet. I had rented an apartment to him, his son, daughter and her boyfriend. My son and daughter-in-law lived next door and were going through a divorce. I was spending 90% of my time there helping my daughter-in-law. When she moved out, I moved in to her apartment next door to him. Within weeks he was living with me and I felt I had met my soulmate on one hand, but on the other, I had strong misgivings but I couldn't put my finger on them. My husband and I ultimately divorced but we kept in contact which really made my N. boyfriend furious. He once said that he would watch me from his kitchen and new that he wanted to get to know me. A couple months ago he admitted that he knew he just had to make love to me once and he would have me for as long as he wanted. He was the most loving and romantic man I had ever met. He always looked into my eyes when making love and made me feel so special. Yet, something was missing for me. I slowly realized that he was isolating me from my family and friends. I gained 30 pds and had begun drinking and smoking marijuana on a daily basis. Yet, I couldn't leave him. I didn't know why I couldn't leave but yet I didn't know why I wasn't happy either. There was something missing. The fights were getting worse and he would become more violent. He told me that I was the only person who brought out that side of him. His children lived next door and also agreed that they had never heard that side of him. Last summer I gave him $16,000 to buy the house that we lived in from my son. He promised to pay me back. Of course, he has only given me $1,000. In early February of this year, two weeks after my 4th shoulder surgery since November, we had a bad fight and he threw me out. He called the police and had a no trespassing order issued. I wasn't suppose to be driving but had no choice but to get in my car. I was devastated. My ex-husband took me in. I subsequently ended up in a psych hospital program Mon-Friday from 9-3 for two weeks and they are the ones that told me he was a narcissist and I had to go through withdrawals. I haven't been successful. He kept telling me that he was deeply scared about things I did that hurt him (what? I don't really know other than not breaking the contact with my ex who he hates and talks about during every conversation we have had). This has gone on since early February and I would try to break contact but always get sucked backed in. Last week he had me believing he was going to take me back and I was panicking thinking how I would get out of that. But, without warning a couple of days ago, he suddenly told me he couldn't do it. The pain of my hurting him too great and he said we needed to go on with our lives seperately. After making love to me and telling me again how much he loved me, I left him home in tears. The next day he called me like nothing had happened and last night received a "goodnight baby, sweet dreams" text. Then today....nothing. Nothing at all. I have tried to text him and receive nothing back. I know I shouldn't try to text him but it becomes almost like an anxiety attack to do this. I try to tell myself not to contact him and I actually sweat, become panicky, etc. I know if I were to get a phone call or text, I would feel relieved. None of this makes sense to me. I cannot believe the total disregard he has for me. He just tells me he loves me and makes love to me then totally disgards me like I am nothing. This is so hard to deal with. It is getting easier for me. I can predict his actions. His hate for my ex is something I don't understand. It is like a personal vendetta. I am going to wake up tomorrow and try my best not to text him. Everyday I say this. I know I was wrong to try to contact him. I just couldn't believe how much he would ignore me. I feel like this is the worse thing I have ever gone through in my life and sometimes feel like I won't survive it. I need to know that my feelings are normal and that I will indeed survive. Today was the first time that I have ever said I hate him. I feel hate today and I pray that it is still there in the a.m. Any advice on how to keep it there until I just don't care at all?