Surviving The Con

Sometimes even now that I think back I still can't believe it all happened. The EXN wanted to come visit me and eluded to proposing to me. I had not seen him in 20 years and from the start I wanted him to slow down. He told me he recently divorced and I knew better than to jump into a relationship with him. He could tell I was hesitant and he did his best to alay my doubts and fears by reassuring me of his true love for me. The love he had for me that had already burned for 20 years in hopeful silence. (so he claimed)

He worked on me over the phone daily, he worked on me via daily emails. He romantized our exchanges our history, our present..and our 'perfect' future. "You are perfect for me, Momo" he said.

I still struggle to understand the way he planned it all out. I look back at those 1st conversations (those 1st MAJOR LIES) and I am astonished at his acting ability. Would of this been possible if we were together? through long distance I was not able to see his facial gestures, get a sense of his body language. Surely something would of cued me that this man was a pscyho/liar/maniupulator.

He wanted to come see me and he wanted to have parties. Parties!? Yes, he specifically wanted parties...invite all my friends and family he told me..he wanted to meet everyone and know all about me and my life and friends and get caught up and let them all know that we were 're-uniting'. I didn't realize how much I was opening up my life ...to a stranger.

The 1st party was outdoors, waterfront get together that was very casual. It was just a BBQ but still he was the reason everyone came. Family and friends had heard the stories of this 'man from long ago that loved Momo for 20 years'. Friends had heard that he was barely able to contain his love for me, and barely could stop himself from getting down on one knee. It was hot news at that time.

I remember how he approached and greeted my friends and family like he already knew them. Shaking their hands, placing his hand on elbows ushering them in ...like it was already all his. He had such ease about him. He made eye contact, had all the right answers on the tip of his tongue to their inquiries. He impressed them. He smiled so wide that evening. After dessert he actually asked everyone to join him in a toast...he raised his beer and looked at me ..."Thank you all for your wonderful hospitatily...may you all feel as lucky as I do right now to be here again...here's to things worth waiting for and true love".

Surely somone there had to of noticed that he was a liar. But, like me, we all bought this act.

2nd party was more intimate. On my parents boat. Cruzing around the bay as my mother prepared grilled fish. He carried on conversation with my step father as I helped her. I think he asked him every question he could think of, and he had every appropriate answer ready. We sat and ate and had conversation. He slid his arms around me like he could stay forever. He was eager to assist with cleaning up and docking the boat.
Oh, they just loved him. EXN smiled was so wide and beaming, he was obvisiously happy almost joyous. I suspected nothing.

3rd party was at my parents house, just the select few people that are the 'inner circle'. This was the night before it all fell apart. My Uncle asked him "so what are your plans?" EXN said " To retire and find Momoya and be with her where ever she is". Awww. They all just ate it up.

No one suspected , especially not me what was to come.

After learning about NPD these interactions, these parties started to make more sense to me. AFter his disapearance I almost didn't want to show my face for fear of questions that I could not answer. I also could not stand the looks of sympathy and could hear the whispers of their thoughts. I was humiliated. Slowly my family and friends learned the truth as I did. Then came the out cries from friends and family of how could he?!

But they didn't know and they didn't see him transform -literally overnight into a void and vacant man. That last party was the last time I saw him, he was never the same person.

I felt I could not contain my anger, confusion, frustration and abadonment. I felt overwhelmed with my emotions. I felt so stupid when I learned he was married, when I learned he was a serial cheater. Then after 3 months his 3rd OW contacted me. By then I had my wits about me to ask more in depth questions that his wife refused to answer and that a background didn't give me.

Some of us will encounter the true NPD while others will deal with just Narc traits, and more others will deal with genuine psychos. I am lucky enough to say I survived and got out and found the truth about him.

Today I read this from SamV:
Pseudologica Fantastica is the compulsive need to lie consistently and about everything, however inconsequential - even if it yields no benefits to the liar. I am not that bad. But when I want to impress - I lie.

I love to see people excited, filled with wonder, bedazzled, dreamy, starry eyed, or hopeful. I guess I am a little like the myth spinners, legend tellers and troubadours of yore. I know that at the end of my rainbow there is nothing but a broken pot. But I so want to make people happy! I so want to feel the power of a giver, a God, a benefactor, a privileged witness.

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal23.html

I still grieve for the part of me that he was able to convice he was real, the part of me that opened my self up and jumped head first in to what I thought were loving arms. I still grieve his ability to show no remorse. But I am grieve less and less these days. If he conned me, he also conned all those closest to me as well. I can't continue to beat myself up and feel stupid for not seeing through him.

I am not the same. I am forever changed by this.