Surreal Moments & Stopping Crashing Waves

Wow. No really. I mean WOW.

I spent I don't know how long pushed-and-pulled through series of rejections keeping my fear of abandonment on high alert, desperate to prove that I would "be good enough" and what he wanted if only given one more chance. And then, the hit. The high. The wondrous high of his return and promise of something new.

The longer it dragged out, the longer I became like a true junkie. The illustrious high of the new shining man who made life seem to dazzle with brilliant color had turned into me shaking, twitching in the dark night just hoping for the hit of so much of a text. When I didn't get the drug I craved, I'd react the way any junkie might.

I would wonder time and time again why it didn't work, why I could fix it. I could fix it, couldn't I? I could rescue him and it would be brilliant and we would live happily ever after. After all, I could fix it.

Now I look back at him.
He has a personality disorder (if not worse in my case).

I cannot fix that.

He has multiple addictions, including to gambling and chasing women.

I cannot fix that.

He has one seriously screwed up family also full of addictions and abuse.
This is his normal. It's his environment, the way he grew up.

I cannot fix that.

He has always refused to work.

I cannot fix that.

I keep thinking of that part of Eat Pray Love when she has the dream about the monk asking her to stop the ocean waves. In her dream, she tries to engineer some contraption. She grows increasingly frustrated until the monk says, "How exactly, my dear, did you plan to stop THAT?"

The ocean! For crying out loud!

It's the same as him, his disordered personality and whacked out brain, his addictions, his past, his future, the poor choices he has always made and probably still does.

I CANNOT FIX THAT!

And now I have these surreal moments.

Like this morning when I was doing that thing that I do. I was at an event, all suited-up and doing my thing alongside state-level officials. (Yep. That's what I said.)

And him?

HE'S IN JAIL!

Where exactly in my head did I get the idea that our worlds would meld in any possible way? Where exactly did I get the idea that me HAVING values and his being completely amoral would somehow work? Where exactly did I get the idea that HIS validation MEANT something when he never even valued the same things I do like....being faithful?

How did I not stop and realize.....I DON'T WANT HIM

How did I get to the place where I took him being with someone else or this not working PERSONALLY? Even if he's not an N and this is just his life and how he is......how did I make that about me?

There is no way in which we are a match. Even if NOT an N (and trust me, he IS PsychoNarc), there was no way this would ever have been something I would want for my life....for the rest of my life.

These are GOOD moments.
I'm hanging on to them with all I've got.

Grace