sunshine365's story

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Mar 31 - 2PM
sunshine365's picture

sunshine365's story

Dodged a bullet

As part of the healing process, i joined this forum. Extremely helpful, some great advice and genuine ppl on here. Thanks a bunch.

Need to share my story as i believe i've had an encounter with a female somatic Narc who recently devalued and discarded me after a three year relationship.

We are both married, she is on her second husband ... two children, one from each marriage. I'm on my first marriage, two kids ... same mother.

I should have seen the signs as i got into this relationship as she was having an affair directly prior to my relationship with her. She's attractive and quite frankly we developed a friendship first. I assumed incorrectly that i was different (i 'had' a healthy confidence and self esteem). She's a confirmed serial adulterer with multiple affairs.

Our relationship was intense and i got plenty of attention from the get go. From what i understand now, this was the overvaluation phase. In hindsight, we were getting to know one another and this honeymoon phase was fantastic. Eventually every relationship has to come out of this phase and as we did (in hindsight) there was little subtance as we couldn't grow our relationship as be were both still married.

On that note, we dreamt, planned, discussed the eventuality of living happily ever after but both made a conscience decision to stick it out in the current situation so as to maintain a sense of stability for the kids sake. On that note, my two kids and her oldest became friends ... her youngest wasn't included in our 'adventures' as he was too young. In an odd sense we were a 'family' during the summer months as we found a reason for the kids to hang out together so we could be together.

A little over two years into our relationship she committed to building a new house with her husband. To say the least, i was less than thrilled that she as making such a committment to her husband when we were 'in love'. The thought of them picking cupboards together, carpet, paint selection, etc. This was OUR dream how could she do that to me (lack of empathy, i wouldn't ever consider putting her through that agony. I should have left in Oct 2009 when they signed the papers to build.

2010 was tough as part of me died as their house was being built, she was excited ... i was supportive, but less than pleased. At then end of the day, i wanted her happiness and if a new house was it, in my mind it was just walls. I tried to be mature as hubby 2 and her built their dream. There was a certain stress an tension in our relationship as she was stress about selling her exising place in a down market, finances, etc. Normal everyday stuff that i had to approach in a supporting manner from the outside looking in.

There were are few 'discards' in 2010 (1 week or so) but we worked at it. Keep in mind we spoke and texted 24.7 at the beginning. We we married to each other under seperate roofs. Intense as you can imagine, so 5 days with NO contact was extremely out of the ordinary, but we mananged to find each other and reconnect after a certain time to reflect.

In Nov 2010 i attended her house warming party. Tough to say the least as i was in the company of husband 1, husband 2, and a number of people is really and truly didn't know (and didn't care to 'warm' their new abode). That being said, it was important for me be there for her as she wanted it that way.

Shortly after Xmas 2010, i received a text from her that she 'was sorry and no longer had the feeling for me'. Firstly, i was livid for staying and supporting through 2010, the house warming months before. No longer had the feeling ??? Still livid at that one, ya the honeymoon was over by no feeling. I don't get how the lightswitch can and did turn so quickly. I would truly mourn a lost pet longer than that.

Anyhow, i was proud ... didn't want to show weakness and went no contact until the end of Feb 2011. Keep in mind we broke up over wireless, so i didn't really have any proper closure. I'm stubborn and had a certain amount of healing in those 2 months .

Ran into one of her friends at the end of Feb and asked how she was doing (promised myself i wouldn't ask, but human nature got the best of me ... thought i was stronger).

WOW, did i ever get hit by a bus. Some time in January 2011 she left her husband (no 2) and started a relationship with the new neighbor ... keep in mind they only moved in in Oct 2010 and i don't think she met the neighbor until Dec 2011 @ a community xmas party. He came clean to his wife about the new relationship and apparently they are trying to make a go of it.

Still floored that after 3+ years with this person who was my best friend, she could pull this and discard me for someone she had only know for 6 weeks at best.

I did contact her after finding out this information to get some closure. She said 'when you have a connection and just know its right, you have to go for it'. Having a really tough time with this one. My two months of healing went out the window and now i'm back at square one ... in a darker place than i have ever been in my entire life.

I can't help but think of 'buddy' over at her house (as hubby 2 has moved out). It is tearing me up from the inside out. I gain solace in knowing that had i made a move in 2009 when she was first ready, i would be in the same position now ... and had blow apart my family (emotionally and financially).

I don't understand it, i don't get it ... but this was a brutal D&D, wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy . Pretty sure she has a sadistic side. Tossed our 3 year relationship out the door, her 7 year marriage out the door for someone she's know for 6 weeks. Pretty certain she was running him along side me though (that is what the gut is telling her). Her oldest has just witnessed the end of her mom's second marriage, her youngest just witnessed the end of her mom's first marriage.

Good luck babe and good riddance. Any thoughts or advice on this one 'friends'. Super tough right now, putting on a brave face.

Tks and God Bless.

Mar 31 - 10PM
kgirl's picture

Welcome to the board....I'm

Welcome to the board....I'm so sorry about the pain you are feeling right now. I am new here as well and your situation reminds me a little of my own. Whatever she is.....she wasn't sensitive to your feelings or the feelings of her own family. I think you can see that she isn't at all the person you fell in love with......that person likely doesn't exist. I, like you, have decided I love my husband and family enough to keep some things to myself....I will live with that pain to spare them of it. Stay'll come out of your dark place. I have found the members here to be helpful, supportive and non judgemental. Take Care~ kauaigirl
Mar 31 - 4PM
Hope's picture

she's a narc

Dear Sunshine 365: I agree she seems to have narcissist tendencies for sure. Thank God you didn't leave your family. I had a similar situation (I am single however) my XN was hinting at marriage but I was not too receptive to that, he also kept telling me his mother asked him not to until she dies, (she is in her 80's) since he is divorced 2x, then I hear shortly after he broke it off with me that he is engaged and will be married July 1 only a year and 3 mo. after our break-up and his mom is still alive! He kept trying to get me to move my sons out of the house, but I believe as long as they support themselves they are welcome to stay, one moved out the weekend he left me, it was planned he bought a new townhouse, my sons are older too, 22, 26, and 28, my xn left me for someone that has a 15, 24 and 25 year old, he is willing to wait for a 15 year old?? Why does she get time and I didn't? Anyway, sounds like your xn used her second husband to get the house, incredible and yes not normal behavior, let this be a lesson, the grass IS NOT GREENER!!! Stay strong for your family they are No. 1
Mar 31 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
sunshine365's picture

Sorry about your situation.

Sorry about your situation. It hurts when rules are set for you and then immediately changed for another. As for your comments on the house, feel really bad for her hubby. In as much as I got played, his victimization has to be much worse in the real world family sense and from a financial sense. He's too nice. He left his pregnant first wife to be with this narc, she likes attention and the more drama the better. He's now left paying support to two ex wives neither of whom he's with. It's sad and a travesty During our relationship she was stressed about money issues, debt load, line of credit, etc. Yet took the plunge on a larger house which had to stretch that household even more. Remember he was paying support to the first child. More so, in January they bought two new vehicles and only then did she inform hubby number 2 of her new relationship with the neighbor. Still can't believe a sane and rational human would pull that level of irresponsibility. Like I said "dodged a bullet". Thankfully someone was looking after me and I am grateful of this opportunity to make things right at home with those that truly care.
Mar 31 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
sadlymistaken's picture

Oh come on!

"He's too nice. He left his first pregnant wife to be with the narc...He's now left paying support for two ex wives neither of whom he's with. It's sad and a travesty." Uhhh, yeah for the poor pregnant wife. What kind of person would descibe this guy as the too nice VICTIM? What sheer hell that must have been for her while his was off with his new lover. THAT'S a much bigger travesty. THAT is the stuff that true narcs do-NOT something people should get sympathy for. The guy paying support for his responsibilities and choices is called justice. The woman ditched in her biggest time of need is heartbreaking. "Still can't believe a sane and rational human would pull that level of irresponsibility." You REALLY aren't seeing things clearly at all or you would not be able to pass judgement on someone else for running up debt, buying a house, etc., while you are engaging in behavior that could destroy souls! I would MUCH x1000 rather have a spouse that pulled that level of financial irresponsibility than one who created and maintained a 3 year affair behind the back of a spouse that "is a good person." "If I were truly selfish..." The fact that you don't get you were TRULY selfish points to YOUR narcissism. And yes, I know this is rubbing some others here who have had affairs the wrong way. I've read all of those postings too. They are so very different than this one. He's one of THEM. My first response was completely accurate based on even more evidence. Like attracted like in this case.
Mar 31 - 3PM
Timehelps2's picture

There are many of us who are

There are many of us who are married and chose to have an affair here. I carefully used the word chose. We did not however choose to be taken advantage by a disordered person. All our stories are different and we should own what pain we have caused to our families. But if I'm not mistaken we are here to heal and support each other. Being married adds another painful layer to this whole expirence because there is little sympathy for the adulterer even if you've been torn to shreds by a N. You want to talk about feeling totally alone? What probably drove most of us to falling into the situation is the empty marriage, being with a spouse but never more seperate. So maybe you want to share more of that side, maybe not. There are not very many men that I've seen while I've been on here. I hope you continue to post and read and heal.
Mar 31 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
sunshine365's picture

Thanks for your feedback.

Thanks for your feedback. Firstly having a ton of issues with trust right now after what i've just been through (and more importantly the decisision's / action's i have caused). I do have a tremendous amount of guilt that i'll have to live with for the ever. I don't take this lightly. In as much as i'd like to lighen my burden and dump on my spouse, i can't do that. Not because i'm afraid to have the talk with her, but because i don't want to hurt her. Trust be is would be alot easier to come clean, blow everything up, but she's a good person and doesn't need that. I'll carry this and work hand and fist to be the best partner that i can to her. If that is weak or cowardly on my part, then i appologize. I have learnt that and i'm alone in this (for her protection and benefit). After i got 'jumped' with the initial reply, i soon realized that i may not get alot of sympathy on this website being male. Assume the demographics here are predominantly female. Sincerest appologies on behalf of my gender for any hurt they've caused. I'm hurting too right now (It is shart and deep). Unfortunately narc's come in the female variety too. Just looking to express myself, get a small amount of compassion and support for exposing my feelings. Don't think it's too much to ask. Thanks for all the postive feedback thus far.
Mar 31 - 2PM
sadlymistaken's picture

I see 2 people being very

I see 2 people being very selfish but that doesn't necessarily mean either of you have a personality disorder. Most importantly, how does your wife feel about this betrayal?
Mar 31 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
sunshine365's picture

Never did I claim to be

Never did I claim to be perfect and I understand that what I was doing was wrong, take full responsibility for that until the day I die. If i was truly selfish, I would have left in 2009 at the expense of my kids and spouse. Choose not to as it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm choosing to live in a less than complete union because it is the right thing to do. Careful when you cast stones, you have no idea of my overall charater, don't be so quick to judge. Remember, even in YOUR stereotypical pre-judgement, there can be hurt and pain. You lost sight of that in your haste to judge.
Mar 31 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
sadlymistaken's picture

I was only going by exactly

I was only going by exactly what you wrote. Not once did you mention feeling bad about what you did to your family or hers. And you judged this woman by stating what she had done to her kids with this other man. That makes no sense when that family (and yours) could have easily been destroyed by your actions instead. I just notice a huge difference between most telling their stories of infidelity. They speak of the parties they wounded, not just of themselves. And any way you look at it, you acting like she is wrong for damaging her kids with this other man, when it could just as easily have been you, is completely hypocritical. How is she a narc? That isn't at all clear from the story either. Selfishness and irresponsibility doesn't equal a narcissist. Her changing her mind repeatedly about what she wants seems like normal and even expected behavior in this situation.
Mar 31 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
sunshine365's picture

Firstly, i feel terrible for

Firstly, i feel terrible for my actions and will carry that burden until the end. Secondly, my spouse and my family have no idea the extend of this relationship. Acquaintances yes, best friends / soul mates / lovers ... no idea!!! Trust me, the burden would is overwhelming and it would be easier for me to just come clean. For the benefit of my spouse and kids, i'll suffer alone. Secondly, i truly love her kids. I got to know the 11 year old on a personal level over the course of 3 years. I say the youngest grow from a 1 year old to a 4 year old from a distance, but felt the world of him cause i loved his mother. Obviously i didn't have a great deal of contact with him aside from regular pictures, but did interact prior to him becoming of speaking age (obviously). I can't see how you can even begin to compare the level of committment i had over a three year period to someone (6 weeks?) just looking for a piece of tail. For god sakes he doesn't even know her yet !!!!!1 As far as the narcistic tendancies. The whole putting down a deposit on a new house when she professed her love for me (keep in mind at this time we were in the most intense honeymoon stage, over valuation point). I would never ever consider doing that to someone, ever. Total lack of empathy, do you disagree?? She trained me to be ever present on text. She would have narcistic rages if i didn't immediately pick up, once i had strept throat and was at home from work, slept for a couple hour. Man did i ever get an ear-full because i was on meds and lights out. Let me ask you. You make future life plans, live happily ever after. Make the sacrifices along the way. You see her build a house, take a few vacations with her hubby, emotional capital so that one day you can be together. AND then, you get D&D immediately and a total stranger gets the benefit ?? Do you think that is normal ? I would seriosly mourn a lost pet longer than that. Ok, her and i broke up and she had a subsequent affair (which i fully expected), that would have been more palateable. But HER AND I CHOOSE TO STICK IT OUT and then the rules change in weeks? I have not explanation and never will understand. I was doing the right thing for her and her family. Boy did that ever work out painfully. OUCH !!!!
Mar 31 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
sadlymistaken's picture

I would like to respond to

I would like to respond to you, but not engage in battle. My mother is the most evil narcissist I've ever known so this is definitely not a gender thing. If you read your first post objectively, I think you may be able see how it may come across as very selfish. And I wasn't comparing any relationship you had with her kids v. the new man. You were judging her for forcing her kids to endure a divorce, which is exactly what all of the children involved could have easily had to endure due to your relationship. Cargo-I have been in a marriage exactly as you describe. I have never felt more alone than when laying next to him, yet worlds away. We all make mistakes in life. I'm not condeming everyone who has affairs. Hell, it's not my place to condem ANYONE. It was just the complete lack of concern for any other wounded parties and then the judgement of the other woman for putting the kids through a divorce when he essentially was risking doing the exact same thing. Sunshine-we all have some narcissistic tendencies. A balanced amount are even healthy and necessary. She sounds like a troubled, dysfunctional woman (hah-as am I but in different ways) but the things you describe don't rise to the level of a personality disorder, in my humble opinion. But many others here could better advise you on this. I wish you and your family (and hers) the very best. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Again, we all make mistakes. Take care.
Mar 31 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
dudette's picture


Welcome to the board. I feel for you, it must really suck right now... However, it will get better eventually. Words of wisdom from people on here, daily support and a daily healthy dose of non-contact.... Nothing probably makes any sense. but it soon will There is a whole thread about some of us who were married and seduced by a narc. There is no shame in it.... All the best