Stuck in Self-Blame - needing to process a vent -

___ I've tried to keep this non-triggering, I'm not what the deal is with that here, but actual details hopefully I've kept minimal enough ---

I am finding it difficult to let go and move beyond the fact that, on some levels, I believe this entire painful experience, this entire relationship, is entirely my fault.

Ok - first, my intellect busts in with a few key facts: I've learned a LOT from this experience, I've had to face things about myself that are absolutely necessary to furthering my soul's evolution and growth, I have an amazing child out of it...

Buuuuuuuut... see, why is there ALWAYS a BUT?

What happened was, when I met PN, he without a doubt was the predator and I was the prey. I even felt uneasy with it at the time. He actively pursued me and I fell for it all, hard and fast. (I was coming out of a deep, suicidal depression when we met.. and hadn't really had any friends in years... well that's another story altogether)

After six months or so I felt he really wasn't respecting the boundary I set about being just friends because I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship at the time. He had texted about some romantic evening plans and I felt "ugh" I actually threw my phone away from my body when I read it Lol.

I got frustrated, deleted his number from my phone on impulse and didn't hear from him again. Six months after that, for some reason, I was curious about him I guess - our initial friendship/courtship was intense and heady and it was like finally I met someone who "got" me and thought I was wonderful and wanted to listen to my ideas etc.

I left a message on one of those local online classifieds site looking for him, and he replied and we met up again and literally within weeks he was talking about having babies and spending our lives together, how he could take care of me etc.

....Now as I actually type this all out, I see, it STILL wasn't me. I mean, yes, I invited him back in, but I was already caught at that point. I had NO idea. I had no friends at the time, was super isolated, trying to separate from my N mother and in him found the exact same abuse as I got from her, perhaps trying to re-create it on some level because I believe I don't deserve any better than that.

But lately I've been caught in the loop of it's all my fault because he was gone, out of my life, I was free and clear --- and then I went back. And it turned into 4 years and a child and very nearly killed my spirit entirely. The only reason (at the time consciously) that I left when I did was because of our then 2 year old child.

He's just such an ass. I feel sick to think of all the lies he has spread about me, about the lies he has told his family and friends and ex's about me.

And the lies he told me. God how was I so SO stupid to believe him? I was actually afraid to disbelieve him because of what it would mean. Because THAT couldn't be my reality.

I "know" in my rational brain, I get it, the Why's of my behaviour and willingness to put up with what I did and all that.

But emotionally I am stuck - HOW exactly do I release these emotions that are making me sick inside? No one ever taught me how to feel and then release an emotion. I think I 'm still holding on to basically all of the negative stuff since I was born :(

The amount of energy this all takes, to bring up these emotions and memories, feel them, allow them, and try to write it all out - it's crazy. Ain't nobody got time for this!!!

Yet I know I have no choice. It's now or never if I want my life back.

I feel stuck though, in the actual emotion....