Stuck in limbo?
Stuck in limbo?
Stuck in limbo?
So does/did anyone else have a period of 'in limbo', post Narc, where they felt like they were kind of 'in between' lives?
I was talking to my GP last week and she is of the opinion that our society doesn't pay enough attention or respect to the people in a state of convalesce;
intr.v. con·va·lesced, con·va·lesc·ing, con·va·lesc·es
To return to health and strength after illness; recuperate.
Post Narc/Psychopath I was nothing short of a zombie!
Like many of you here I lost all semblance of my former life with the exception of my children; including job, home, standing in my hometown community as well as the incredible upheaval that my children experienced leaving all the aforementioned behind.
It has been 18 months of tumultuous feelings, anxiety PTSD symptoms and stress induced illness.
The ONLY thing I have been capable of is being able to function day to day by completing menial tasks and making sure my children are physically, mentally and emotionally ok.
I have not been employed for the duration and I was fortunate enough to have invested wisely so in this time of dire need I could sell some real estate to make sure both my children and myself were clothed, fed and sheltered.
I have been told to DO many things. Told what I SHOULD be feeling. Looked down upon for my SLOW recovery.
Yet I KNOW that for me this was a catalyst for enormous change in my life. It was, I guess a dark night of the soul and the Psychopath encounter opened a Pandoras box of confronting life truths that prior to this I had never been consciously aware of.
The inner child work has been the most painful thing I've ever had to endure.
The realisation that my family never loved nor wanted me and that my reality was a life of abuse was devastating yet at the same time enlightening.
Finally it was my chance to HAVE A VOICE and say NO THINGS WERE NEVER OK!!!
This lead me to look at my relationship with my husband which I now know was 17 years of him being passive aggressive/emotionally unavailable and me continuing on with my hard wired patterns of never speaking up and just thinking this is what my life was meant to be. Just to give endlessly and expect very little in return....and never ever complain because that would be selfish and condemned by those nearest to me.
The psychopath was everything I had never had and everything I had never felt. He was affectionate and passionate and enthusiastic and driven and fit and made me laugh and was sexy as hell!
Still to this day that time with him was the happiest and most alive I have ever felt in my entire life.
Regardless of the pain of the D&D and the resultant fallout he has given me the opportunity to find out who I am!!!
So I guess I'm in a state of limbo at the moment. I can look back on my former life and that girl/woman is a complete stranger to me now. Trouble is everyone who 'knows' me knows 'her' lol.
So in my time of convalesce where B has been a non productive 'non comprehendus' zombie everyone around me has struggled with the fact that they have lost control over me.
I no longer work my butt off to please my boss.
I no longer have the house in an obsessive compulsive state of cleanliness in case my mum drops in for a surprise visit!
I no longer run kilometre upon kilometre and religiously go to the gym so I can look acceptable to someone else :)
I no longer have unrealistic and 'one size fits all' expectations for my children.
At this very moment I have let all of that slide so I can figure out exactly what I want. Then I will take the necessary steps to make this happen.
So maybe just maybe being stuck in limbo may be a good thing. Maybe it will ensure I make good choices for my future based on my TRUE AUTHENTIC needs and wants rather than on what is EXPECTED of me.
Post narc I now know I DON'T want another man telling me what I need or want because guess what? I think I'm starting to figure that out on my own!
Does anyone else have any words of wisdom on taking those first steps into your new life? It can be a bit daunting at times, especially when you are navigating it alone.
Thank you and lots of love xx
X
B
Limbo and Zombie like...
Bgirl
Truth I think we are taking
bgirl, yes i think we sure do
Hey Truth :) Yep.. Who we are
increments
increments
I think my new adventures
Done Sourcing I thank you
Well done
Thank you JRB I still second
I agree bgirl, the emotional
This difference in you is
Thank you im_always_fine but
Observing the grooves instead
Awesome Ds!!!
Sounds
Dragonlady no nothing is set
Bgirl
Hi Janie xx I'm slowly
Limbo
luv2bme
Luv2bme I hear you. It is
I so hear you girl
Not-this-time thank you for
Who I am
Luv2bme my heart goes out to