Stuck....

So I realize that I have this "hope" that is left over from my childhood....it is a hope that someone (someone that I unconsciously select and become obsessed with) will finally make me feel special, loved, appreciated, approved of. Once I "fall"....it is game on trying to win their affection....any small breadcrumb of approval (smile, kind word etc)...or I sink into a depression of feeling not enough (ordinary) and I go through all kinds of twists within myself trying to change that (get that person's affections again). I am the perfect Narc victim. Even as I realize this...I am having just the hardest time working through it. I acknowledge the fact that I did not get this as a child and that I should have and I grieve the loss of that every single time I feel that ache of depression and that twinge of hope...but it hasn't decreased how I operate with men...in fact...it has made me a bit more desperate with the current guy (who btw...has zero interest in me and has a girlfriend that he loves).

Now...I could do what I normally do and remove myself from all groups, activities etc. that involve seeing him/being around him....but that hasn't exactly done me any good either because it is just avoiding the issue rather than confronting it. Let me also say...this man is not a Narc...he is a very good, decent man...he is not encouraging my feelings at all or playing mind games...and he has set very clear boundaries that honor his relationship. And yet....I am having the hardest time letting go and just interacting with him without the "hope" of something more.

Does anyone have suggestions of things that I can try while in his presence and after having seen him?? After having seen him is when I find the hope/longing, depression/sadness are the highest...after I have reviewed all his looks, interactions with others, interactions with me, everything I said and everything I didn't/should have said. It literally takes me 3 days after seeing him for 2 hours on Sunday (1 in the morning, 1 in the evening-in group situations) to stop feeling like I'm going through withdrawal.

I hope my post makes sense.

Katie