Struggling today with this

23 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 May 18 - 8AM
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

Struggling today with this

So, when my N left me (this most recent time) for another woman about 4 weeks ago...he saw me the night before and was FINE. The next day he had a trivial reason (I think I didnt give him a good enough kiss goodnight and he was angry I did not spend the night with him) and the next day he was just DONE speaking to me. We were together 6 years, lived together (until last april when I told him to leave or marry me and he moved into his ex wifes house) I supported he and his kids...
My struggle is I was not even worth a good bye, an attmitance to someone else being what he wanted, or even just a simple 'I dont want to see you again'. NOTHING and after my week of pathetic phone calls (where I did call him a liar, cheat, piece of s*** that he is) he changed his number on ME, no concern of my life, the money he owes me, love (i know they dont love, but I am still at odds with this)
I am stuck on he and his OW, she is older, less attractive but has much $. He is charming the socks off of her. I feel so betrayed...my friends are helping, my therapist is good and my new job is great, but i feel like i cannot celebrate my victories in life. I just still cannot believe simply TELLING me he didnt want me and walking away wasnt an option even when I found out about her. Coward. He changed his number and email after a week of my sobbing, begging then later calling him a liar and cheat. I just want to stop having any concern for the two of them, she is pathetic cheater ( I know her ex husband) looking for thrills and he trashed my life to do me the same way. I hate them both and just want it out of my head.

May 18 - 9AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

cowgirl

Same here. I was with mine for four years and I have two daughters who were four and seven when we met. 4 and 7. I mean, for my little one he was ALWAYS there, and now he won't even look at her. After I found out about the other women he did the "I didn't love her I love you" "She's lying" and "It wasn't like she said" stuff for like two days. But when I asked him to actually apologize and admit he was wrong, all he could come up with was "I didn't mean to hurt you" and then raged when I asked him again if he knew it was wrong. Then nothing. Six months. Oh, except for the morning he put his hand on my cheek and told me he loved me and the other day when he said Good morning, love. I think he senses now that I am at a different place where I won't yell anymore; even I can't be sure of that, but HE is LOL He knows. I wrote on here the other day that I honestly believe that, the other morning, when he talked to me, he thought he could make me think none of it ever happened. That it was a spring morning four years ago when we first said hello, in the very same place. I really think he believed he could do that. It's gaslighting extraordinaire. And in some ways it breaks my heart to think of him living in such a fantasy world. It's like when you break something when you're little and you say you didn't do it so many tiumes that you believe it. That's for me. I think it reallly is just a case of them being so ashamed inside and so cowardly that they just stop talking until it "blows over"--even if that's twenty years from now. Rather than face it, they'll wait.
May 18 - 8AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

It's what they all do. They

It's what they all do. They all disappear for no good reason. Just on to new supply. It also proves that they don't care and never will for anyone. It doesn't matter what kind of supply you are...he will eventually go away. that's not any kind of relationship any of us want or need.
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #21)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Mine didn't disappear. I wish

Mine didn't disappear. I wish he would. lol I broke up with mine, and there are weeks, when it feels he has never left my life. Part of that is my fault, for taking his bait, and replying to him. But, I'm done with that. But, not all of them vanish. Some purposely stay in your life...like on the peripheral, just to eff with your head. Draw you in...to push you away. I think mine forgets I broke things off with him. lol It's comical during his bait and switch routines, when he's been like...''dee, don't ever call me again. I never want to hear from you again.'' Why do you call me then? Why do you try to engage me online? The thing to note about those who do vanish. Just from reading on here. I think that's just another form of abuse. To get you crazy...calling them...begging them...MORE SUPPLY. I think d&d is another form of how they get supply. They are sadists, afterall. Just my two cents.
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

I feel petty for it, but I so

I feel petty for it, but I so badly want to know he is doing the same things to her. I guess I KNOW it in the back of my mind, but I just want to know it for sure. For some weird reason I feel like that would validate me?? I hate feeling like this so much. I know I am better than this, but my heart and brain are just conflicting
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

That's the thing to work on

That's the thing to work on right now, cowgirl. Your need for his validation. I was in the same boat. I took myself out of the boat, though. Much of what draws a narc to us...is how they seem to know we are vulnerable, and in need of validation. NC will give you time to work on that. You won't care anymore as to what he does. You may even wish him happiness at some point. NC is interesting. It truly does heal. If you view it like that. Whether he treats her bad or good. For them? It's a means to an end. I honestly believe this. My ex was married four times. Need I say more? He hasn't learned a damn thing.
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #19)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I totally know what you are

I totally know what you are feeling. I often felt like 2 different people because my heart and my head were in 2 different places. Just know that he will do to her what he has done to you, but I've heard they get worse each time. It may not look like it on the outside, but trust me she's in for a horrible ride.
May 18 - 8AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I'll keep you in my prayers.

I'll keep you in my prayers. {{hugs}} I think while it's cliche, it's true...*time does heal all wounds.* Time AND NC. I think that once we make the strong commitment to NC...while we will have difficult days, we will begin to think clearer. Begin to see ourselves better than we once did. We will change and grow...and evolve and become stronger. If you have FB, and they do too...I'd block them. Or don't visit that site for a while. That has been a tremendous source of angst for so many here. Just a suggestion. Hang in there. This too shall pass...eventually. {{{warm hug}}}
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

thank you, i blocked him from

thank you, i blocked him from FB last week, I was sick of watching this sad, older woman CHASE and post to him non stop, to watch him send back aloof replies but never initiate with her. i feel sorry for her, but she acts like I am the enemy, she goes most places I am at and just stares at me...its so odd. I am sick of thinking of HER and HIM I just want ME back and I am unable!!! Its awful. Just to know a man is so cold that even uttering what is real in life he wont do. My therapist says he wouldnt, and wont say good bye and changed his number is so that HE is in control. A lack of goodbye leaves the door open in his head??? WTF? After all he did thats how they really think? Also chaning the number is control, not an effort to NC on his part, this way he can call when HE wants and I wont know it is him??? Really? Thats the logic? Im freakin exhausted.
May 18 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

After a while...whatever 'a

After a while...whatever 'a while' equates for you, for we all reach that limit on our own time...you will no longer care. Truly. I'm close to being there. I only care that he isn't bad mouthing me, but that's slowly dissipating, since people who know us both are starting to realize...he isn't over me, then. So...backfired on you, narc-hole! lol He thinks everyone's going to believe how horrible I was to date? They know me. It just makes him look childish. So...his antics. Changing his number. Telling you to never speak to him again. It's all part of their everyday games. They can't exist without games, it seems. The drama. They don't like themselves, so they ''collect'' women. I believe this. Once he is done with this next woman...or she gets fed up with him...he'll either circle back to you...acting like nothing happened, or he'll move to the next. They don't work on themselves, they just work on their game. Mine for example. He has stooped to posting things to bait me, but I'm not replying. I'm not even logging in. That's part of my NC 'therapy.' So, then, he posts something nice. Hmmm...maybe that will get her to log in, he thinks. Nope. Nice try though. See. They are different and the same. Mine can't stand that he lost control over me. It's HUGE for him...control. He needs it. He needs to control me, for whatever the reason. He will not call outright. He wants me to call him...so he is baiting me. Has it worked? It has, but not in the way he had hoped. He wants me to probably say...so, are you dating? So...do you miss me? Nope...not gonna do it. I am dating someone now, and I don't miss him. lol Hang in there. Keep posting here. We are here for you. {{hugs}} Question...this older woman is the woman he is now with? Why is he being aloof?
May 18 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

I am not sure why he isnt as

I am not sure why he isnt as over as she is on FB, he is aloof...I am assuming he is slightly embarassed of her...his friends are not going to understand the age dif..she has 4 daughters closer to his age-its a bit comical, She is clearly just trying to prove to the world on FB they are an item, and he is not reciprocating and she is chasing hardcore...but i am betting she has already shelled out lots of cash on him, just like I did.
May 18 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Ugh. They play the strangest

Ugh. They play the strangest things out on FB. I hope you are feeling better this afternoon? Have been thinking about you. {{hugs}}
May 18 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

Oh thank you :) The words and

Oh thank you :) The words and conversations here help me so much. I had the day off, worked out, rode my horse and just got home from a great therapy session. The therapist reminded me of the much needed reality that he has been a liar, cheat and no good since day one...and he really didnt spend much time sugar coating it. My therapist also reminded me that he will treat his new woman the same, if not worse. *sigh* I have much self loathing and confusion from him, and again reminded by her that that is his PLAN to keep me weak and wondering for his "comeback" She knows him well (was his court ordered therapist when he was arrested 4 years ago), so its scary to know shes right, hes just waiting to come back and more than likely planning and obsession while putting on his fake smile in public, while abusing new woman in private. I have to get strong, I have to be ready to not even have hate because it makes me weak. I must also realize he is a steriod user, heavy drinker loser...he never brought good to me, I just was trying to cling to a "love" i thought was going to grow and NEVER was going to. I cannot thank you all enough for the support and wise words.
May 18 - 4PM (Reply to #16)
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

On that note...I am NOT

On that note...I am NOT feeling stronger...but I am understanding the kind of nasty non feeling person I was dealing with. I still feel devauled sexually, emotionally and self esteem is in the toilet. Time and REAL feelings will fix me, I hope.
May 18 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You are processing this like

You are processing this like you are dealing with a normal psyche! Look at my Avatar "Charles Manson" maybe he doesnt go as far as the juggler but his mind is in the same place! Hunter
May 18 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Sorry Charlie

I can see the "humerous" aspects of the photo, I suppose, it's obvious the dude is totally wacked out and abnormal...but everytime I see his picture, I think of the Tate-LaBianca murders, and it's hard to think of him being as being funny. Sorry. Love your own photo by the way. You are cute and gorgeous!
May 18 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Soap

Charlie is there not to be funny, it's a reminder how far will some of these guys go! Happy Wed Hunter
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Love your avatar. Laugh

Love your avatar. Laugh everytime I see it.
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

That photo looks like my Narc

That photo looks like my Narc oh I mean gnome
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Definitely a resemblance

Definitely a resemblance there! haha!
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
MarlaH
MarlaH's picture

Im sorry, Are you talking to

Im sorry, Are you talking to me? lol. No, Im not imitating Robert Dinero. I will get into more detail from my cell.... This is just the beginning for me. I am so happy and excited to get support from memmbers on this page. Most of the people I talk to only know to an extent of what I am going through.
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

No, I just put up a post of

No, I just put up a post of my frustration today, not directed at anyone, just everyone whom would like to offer thoughts or advice on my topic :)
May 18 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
MarlaH
MarlaH's picture

I saw the name Hunter and

I saw the name Hunter and thought it was a response to me lol...