Struggling Today...

It seems that lately I can make it a few months and then have a complete breakdown. All these feelings hit me at once and I just feel so incredibly sad. Like, sobbing mess on the floor sad. Well, now is that time. I've been sick with what seems to be the flu, to top it off.

I read the stories of so many others here who have to see their N or XN on a daily basis, or they hoover repeatedly, etc. That's not the case in my situation. He's not in the picture at all. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think about texting him sometimes, but I know the chances of that resulting in me feeling worse than I already do are pretty great. There's been so many times where he told me that he didn't ever not want me to be in his life, even if we weren't together. Well, there's been plenty of times where I've been at a low point and reached out to him, only to get no response at all. I'm not going to sink to that again. I can't set myself up for feeling like a total idiot on top of feeling miserable.

The last time I spoke to him was in August. We split up in January, and every so often I would send him a text, of course with no response. He finally responded in August after I had asked him if he thought we could ever get to the point where we were just friends. He replied that probably not, because he was moving back to his home state the next month. When I asked why he basically implied that he's sick of it here, it's a cold-hearted place, nothing but bad things happen to him here, etc. The same old woe-is-me act again. He then told me that I should be glad he's going, all he ever did was hurt me, that I should hate him, and that it will be good for me with him being 800 miles away.

He's right. I know that he said those things hoping I would take the bait and tell him it's not true and how amazing he is, but I didn't. All I said was that I didn't hate him. And I don't. Sometimes I wonder where life would have taken me had I not met him, and sometimes I regret meeting him at all, but I don't hate him. I loved him. Maybe I always WILL love him, but he is disordered, and that's where that story ends.

So that was in August. No contact since then. I'm sure he's long since moved away, but I struggle with these feelings of intense sadness. So many of my hopes were tied up in him. We split up years ago, and he met someone and married her. I felt deep down it wouldn't work, and that he would be back. He came back last year, and I foolishly thought it would be happily ever after. He made a mistake, enough time had gone by for me to believe he had a different perspective, but within a short time he began to withdraw again, become cold and distant, and then it was the inevitable "I don't want to do this." Once he had me, he didn't want to proceed any further. Like a sick game. And just like a light switch, he disappeared out of my life again.

I wonder how long I'll grieve this. I know the road to recovery is not linear, and that at least it's good that I'm actually crying and not keeping all these feelings stuffed inside. I think what upsets me most about the whole thing is how he just sold his house and left so quickly, after all we went through and how much we shared there seemed to be no feelings involved on his part about it. Just a cut and dried decision and I'm left to feel this sense of abandonment and sadness.

I know that things are done this time and that I really and truly have to move on. I feel so hurt and let down though, still. What makes me feel worse is that I'm in my 30s; everyone I know is married and starting their families and I spent 6 years of my life stuck on someone who turned out to not exist. I feel this sense of urgency, to meet someone and settle down and have people stop asking me why I'm still single, but the idea of dating just exhausts me. And you know…part of me still wants HIM. Well, him minus the dysfunction, which I guess is impossible. I don't know how to get him totally out of my head and not compare future people I date against the good qualities he had. I am afraid that I won't ever meet anyone that I will be that head over heels in love with again.

Thanks, all, for reading this and for giving me a space to let these feelings out. I do feel a tiny bit better having written this.